Can anyone explain this strange heartbreak?

[FeegleFion]

Hi 👋 so I've spent the entire day bursting into tears and feeling the most crushing heartbreak at the end of this relationship... The only thing is, it's my daughter's relationship that's ended and I just feel utterly bereft. This came totally out of nowhere. There's nobody else.

She ended it. They were together for 3ish years, have a lovely life and great careers.

Does anyone have any ideas as to why it's affecting me so much? I can hardly see through my tears as I type.

Any offers of comfort, support or wisdom are very welcome here

I can only say if my DD split with her boyfriend I'd feel the same, I'd be distraught - in my case because I think he's a good person for her and also as I think she'd struggle with anxiety without him. As I don't want my DD to be unhappy in any way shape or form, I'd assumed this is why I would dread them splitting so much. I think its natural to feel this way; you only want the best for your DD. Obviously you have to keep it to yourself though and just listen and nod if she turns to you for support.

How old is your dd, OP? My dd is 40 and has been married almost 20 years. I'd be upset if she and her dh split, for her, him and my dgd. But if it's someone in their teens or early twenties, not so much. Cry a bit, wash your face, carry on.

I had the same and l think it was because l thought they were so suited and l was very fond of the guy himself. He fitted in so well with our family and l felt she was throwing it all away. But obviously she had to make her own choices and was the one in the relationship. It took me a while to get over it but, of course, supported my dd in all her decisions..keeping my own feelings to myself. I really wanted her to be happy and was concerned she would regret her decision...she hasn't.
One of my friends has said she will never get so attached to a girl friend again after being devastated when her ds broke up. She loved having that girl around and really missed her.
The big thing is giving your dd full control of her own life unless she asks for advice.

He's probably part of your family by now

I was the same when DS and his long term GF broke up a few years ago I felt gutted as she was part of the family.

I wonder what your experience of relationships has been yourself? Have you, perhaps, been so relieved for her that she's not had her heart broken/been treated badly/had to go through relationship difficulties, and now your relief has turned out to be unfounded and you feel she's struggling like you've had to?

Just a guess, I realise you may have been in a blissful relationship since your early years, but often if something hits us harder than we think, it's because it's touching on something personal to us as an individual, something from the past.

Might it be something like that?

Its horrible when you think they're settled and happy and their life is moving in a direction and then it all comes crashing down. You've just had the shock of finding your daughters happy life and future was not what you thought, and you have all the uncertainty of wondering what will happen next. You were all set up to accept this man as a close family member and now that will never happen either. Of course is upsetting. I hope you have someone you can share that with so you can mask it from DD.

Thanks everyone for your words and thoughts.

My first priority is always my daughter's happiness and supporting the decisions she makes.

I had DD (24) when I was very young and so we have a very close bond, and I think 5128gap you've hit the nail on the head with mostly everything you said.

Thanks again everyone.