I don't know what to do

[FleurNancy]

My husband and I have been on the rocks for years. We had Relate counselling about 15 years ago when our eldest was a baby and it flagged up a LOT of issues with his very insular personality and willingness to have deep and meaningful relationships but he was adamant he could learn , grow and change and I was adamant that I loved him and could get used to him being him. The same old issues would crop again every few years or so, he'd promise to be more present and less insular, things would improve. But the cycle just seems to be shortening and I'm worn out. I'm also really lonely.

We basically live different lives with him getting up v early for sport so goes to bed at the same time as the kids. I'm more of a night owl and don't share his passion for running (and can't for medical reasons). We haven't had sex for years (a lot of which has been down to body confidence on my part, perimenopause & medical issues affecting drive but more fundamentally the fact he's asleep hours before I go to bed and hours before I wake up). I'm not particularly interested in meeting anyone else, and I'm not sure he is, he's just happy on his own (or with the kids) but I'm not. I want a partner to do things with, to go out as a family, to go out for dinner as a couple, to see friends without constantly clock watching because he wants to go to bed so he can get up in the morning to get his run miles in etc etc. He's not a conversationalist whereas I'm very chatty but that always complemented each other in the past but I'm sick of it now. Actually that's not true, he works in sales and can switch on the sales/networking patter in a heartbeat but openly says that he really enjoys that bit but not maintaining relationships afterwards!

I don't particularly want to separate but I've just had enough now. It's not fair on me and when the kids leave home in a decade or so it'll be another decade wasted. I've raised the idea of a split, he says he doesn't want to, does love me and accepts that what's happening is down to him. But he's accepted this before every time and done sweet fuck all about it. I think my stumbling blocks are a) fear b) the practicalities of separating. Mostly that I don't want to split, I just want him to stop being like this and go back to the nice fully functional version of himself that I fell in love with.

I just feel really sad and I really don't know what to do. I'm not even sure what the point of this thread actually is. :(

That nice fully functional version of him was his sales patter. It wasn't him. He can't give you what you need from a partner. It's not he won't, he can't. You've spent more than 15 years hoping he'll go back to the 'him' you first meet. Hope is, in my opinion, the worst thing you can have in a relationship that isn't functioning. Hope steals years of your life. If all you have is hope, you have nothing.

Sympathies from me, OP, I've been through just this. There were times when I yearned for some woman to steal him away from me, because splitting up for something as "minor" as lack of engagement seemed so unreasonable. But it's not unreasonable to expect companionship and friendship from a marriage. Just because he hasn't gambled the family savings away or been unfaithful or violent doesn't mean he's being a good husband. I think you know what to do.

(I got to the stage where I was planning a holiday on my own. He said he'd like to come and I spelled it out to him that we could go together provided he would talk to me. Guess what? He didn't. It took a further 18 months before I took steps to divorce. I've never regretted it.)

He isn't the person you thought he was when you first met. He has demonstrated that he is not capable of change. You have kind of accepted that for the last 15 years too. You need to decide if you want to separate or not. He has said he doesn't want to and so it is up to you.

You are not happy in the relationship. Would you be happy on your own?

You used each other to get the children/family units..is it any surprise you're doubting whether you want to be with him or not? It sounds like a dreadful set up but I suspect you won't have the balls to leave

@zonky why be so unkind? Did it make you feel good?

@FleurNancy I think you need to listen to your heart, he won't change, and you deserve to have companionship. Separating might be hard, but you'll come through the other side, and, I'm sure be happier for it. Don't look back in another 15 years and still be thinking the same thing.

I could've written your post I'm in exactly the same situation.
Too scared and can't afford to leave. But so lonely.

Jesus Christ. This is one of those MN don’t feed the troll moments isn’t it? 🙄

Thanks to everyone else who has commented so far. I’ve opened up to a couple of friends today which has helped. Lots of thinking to be done. I’ve seen a book mentioned on another thread which I’m going to read, called something like Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave so will hunt that down.

Just wondering how you're doing op? I realise it is probably too soon to have made any big decisions but I'm wondering where your thinking is at now?

Perimenopause and lack of connection amongst other things resonates with me.

He's not a conversationalist whereas I'm very chatty but that always complemented each other in the past but I'm sick of it now.

Op, I used to think my husband was taking on a good listening role (and I was happy to talk and more than delighted to feel someone was listening). I'm not so sure now how much listening was actually going on and I miss decent conversation. For me, it is about having someone show an interest, retain what they've been told. I think it all feeds into a sense of connection which I feel I'm lacking with him. My husband told somebody I am working on a project which I am not. He made an assumption. I'm tired of not being properly seen/heard. I'm not sure why it has dawned on me after all these years.