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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He keeps singing...

17 replies

Laughingtherapy · 01/10/2022 13:13

So long story short I'm back living with family (hopefully only short term until I can find a suitable rental) my own fault. Should have have better.

But my gosh is it bringing up some complicated feelings. When I left home over a decade ago I had seriously poor boundaries...and ocd. Over the years I healed. Funily enough, I've only ever seen my ocd resurface on family holidays (when younger).

Anyway, my dad is the controlling sort. I try to stay out of their way as much as possible. But...he sings. OK, you say, so what? Can't a man sing in his own home? xD but omg it's bringing up such a rage in me.

If he wakes up in the morning he sings and wakes the whole house. Usually its just 20 seconds of singing every five minutes or so...over the course of a few hours. But no joke, he's currently been singing for an hour downstairs.

I've put some music on. And I'll head out in a bit. I'm trying to be gracious as they are putting me up atm afterall! But it just...I think I'm so angry because i realise growing up, I couldn't create head space because well, noise carries. I think that was probably a substantial contributor to the ocd. He also didn't like me listening to my own music (always a judgement on my choices) and I suppose that was because it was an escape for me.

Anyway, got me thinking about how controllers don't let you have head space in various ways. Wondered if anyone else had experienced similar.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 01/10/2022 13:22

Unless your dad did something much worse than sing in his own home and criticise your music choices, I have no idea where tou are getting this "he is a controller" business from.

Dacadactyl · 01/10/2022 13:25

That sounded harsh. I do sympathise though because there would be WW3 if I had to move back in with my parents.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/10/2022 13:25

Dacadactyl · 01/10/2022 13:22

Unless your dad did something much worse than sing in his own home and criticise your music choices, I have no idea where tou are getting this "he is a controller" business from.

Can you take her word for it that he was and assume that there was much more to it than that? Sheesh

Laughingtherapy · 01/10/2022 13:27

Dacadactyl · 01/10/2022 13:22

Unless your dad did something much worse than sing in his own home and criticise your music choices, I have no idea where tou are getting this "he is a controller" business from.

...Well of course you haven't. Because i haven't gone into those details.

OP posts:
Laughingtherapy · 01/10/2022 13:30

Haha yeah it is certainly testing my nerve that's for sure! Hopefully it's just a short term thing. I had thought to stay until spring to avoid huge winter energy bills but...I don't think I can take it lol

OP posts:
Vanillaoatcake · 01/10/2022 13:31

Sounds exactly like my dad. He sings constantly and gets angry if interrupted or asked to be quiet.

I'm in my 30s and still tries to get me to highlight my hair instead of dyeing it darker, because I was a natural blonde as a child/preteen. Definitely controlling.

VanillaParkersBowl · 01/10/2022 13:36

Anyway, got me thinking about how controllers don't let you have head space in various ways. Wondered if anyone else had experienced similar.

Yes. It can appear so innocent to those who haven't experienced it but it is an intentional act to keep your mind on them all of the time, even if they are not pleasant thoughts.

I hear you and hope you can move out very soon Flowers

Laughingtherapy · 01/10/2022 13:38

Yes that's exactly it! It feels like he is saying 'your attention needs to be on me!'.

I hear ya vanilla, its so draining isn't it!

OP posts:
Hexenjagd · 01/10/2022 13:39

Totally get where you are coming from.

can I suggest, if you can afford it, noise cancelling headphones and earplugs to sleep in.

i love the Christmas tree style sleep earplugs. Can’t even feel them. And can’t hear owt either.

Laughingtherapy · 01/10/2022 13:41

Hexenjagd · 01/10/2022 13:39

Totally get where you are coming from.

can I suggest, if you can afford it, noise cancelling headphones and earplugs to sleep in.

i love the Christmas tree style sleep earplugs. Can’t even feel them. And can’t hear owt either.

Good idea!

Might help me sleep through the families snoring too haha.

OP posts:
neonjumper · 01/10/2022 13:43

Since my husband has been wfh, I've noticed how much space he takes up with his whistling, singing , humming .

I have asked him to stop when I am working or trying to watch tv. It is an invasion of my space, interrupts my concentration and is irritating. Interestingly , he never did this in his office ... In fact he used to complain about others.

Your dad is coming across as controlling, he needs to make his presence known and uses noise to do this.

Repetitive noises are irritating. He has found your weak spot and it taking advantage of it .

I wouldn't be surprised if growing up he regularly invaded your space in other ways leaving you feeling out of control.

I wonder if you've had therapy and explored what triggered your OCD ... wouldn't be surprised if it's linked to your dad !

Laughingtherapy · 01/10/2022 13:44

Also, there are noise cancelling earplugs? Like, different from those normal ones you get in packs of 6 in boots the chemist? Cause that would absolutely be worthwhile!

OP posts:
Magissa · 01/10/2022 13:44

We live on a street where there are often buskers. I tend to put my AirPods in my ears and listen to white noise - I like music but don't always want to hear music or singing! I totally get you.

Laughingtherapy · 01/10/2022 13:51

Yes neonjumper, I wouldn't be surprised either. He did seem to be the key trigger considering if I went on hol with my mum, it never flared up. But If he came too, it would come back.

I think him+other added stresses (eg: holiday). Perhaps because in a stress situation (or unfamiliar place), he added stress and made it harder for me to de-stress.

I never have had therapy(there's till time after this haha). But I have read studies linking controlling behaviour from parents with ocd in children. And also recently there was a study about npd in parents link to ocd in Ä·ids.

OP posts:
woodhill · 01/10/2022 13:53

Yes dh does inane whistling

Hexenjagd · 02/10/2022 10:29

Oh ffs I had a huge post and lost it all.

yes, you can get nois cancelling earbuds

the newer AirPods, do as do these:
www.bose.co.uk/en_gb/products/headphones/earbuds/quietcomfort-earbuds-ii.html?mc=05_PS_E2_GE_00_GO_&gclsrc=aw.ds&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI5MCs5JzB-gIVkO3tCh3ukQIkEAAYAyAAEgI7cPD_BwE#v=qc_earbuds_ii_black

use them with a white noise app and drown out almost everything

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 12:14

As others have said, earplugs and white noise.

I discovered brown noise recently and have found it works better for me and is very soothing.

I have ADHD and apparently it is common for brown noise to soothe our brains.

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