Partners son becoming a problem

[calamine]

My partner moved in with me and my son just before christmas. He brought with him his 7 year old son.

Anyway ever since odd stuff has been happening around the house and I know its his son but he just wont accept it. For instance a week after they moved in I went into the bathroom to find poo all over the wall next to the toilet. My son is 9 so wouldn't do that and his son had just come out of the bathroom. I mentioned it to DP who said it couldn't be his son as he'd never done it before. I left it and just cleaned it up but a few days later our pet snake escaped. The glass tank had been left wide open. We've had the snake for 4 years and my DS has never left the tank open before and just hours before his DS kept asking if he could hold it. I'd said no as it had just been fed. DP said his son would not have opened the tank as he was scared of snaked but he cant be that scared if he was asking to hold it, surely?

Just after christmas one of DS's chemistry sets was found scattered all over his bedroom floor, who else would do that other than his DS? but again he refused to believe it saying his DS doesn't like stuff like that.

A couple of weeks ago I found the tea bag pot swimming in water, all the tea bags soaked. I asked DP what had happened and he laughed at the mess. I said it wasn't funny because I was the one having to clean it up so he said he cant have been his DS as he couldnt reach. This time I asked his DS if he had "tried to make a cup of tea" and he looked a bit sheepish but said he "wondered what would happen" if he made a pot of tea with all the tea bags.

I sat down with DP and said his son is getting away with quite a bit and I know the move might have been hard for him but he will not get any better if we carry on ignoring what he is doing. DP said it was starting to sound like I wanted him and not his son. Am I sounding like this? am I being too hard?

A couple of days ago DS's posters had been scribbled all over with felt tip, it was obviously his DS...the pen was even found in his room yet still nothing was said.

How do I handle this? I'm starting to wish they hadn't moved in.

Perhaps you need to issue an ultimatum to your dp. Either he accepts that his son is no angel and deals with incidents as they happen, or they will have to move out.

It is unfair on your ds that his stuff is being ruined/interfered with and he will start to resent your dp and his son if he sees the son getting away with it all the time. Equally it is difficult for you to tackle his ds.

The poor kid sounds like he's finding it very very hard to adjust and that's coming out in his behaviour.

Does he see his mum? Maybe he's really missing her, or have they been separated for a long time?

It sounds like he really needs to talk to someone out of the family about how he feels before things get out of hand. If your dp takes him to the GP, he may be referred for some counselling sessions.

Maybe if you imagine how your son would feel if he was in the situation your dp's son is in, it would help. You sound like a nice person.

Hope things improve.

SOrry, this must be very hard for all of you. Especially as it is your home, and I am sure both children are very aware of this fact.

I am not a step parent, but what hits me reading your post is that you seem to be as opposed to the idea it could be your own ds who is doing this as your partner is.

I dont think you are going to get anywhere if you keep attacking his son insisting he is doing bad stuff whilst yours is an angel.

In fact, it does not matter what child is to blame, only that there is one, or possibly two unhappy little boys.

I think the only way forward is to approach dad and say something like "look, I dont know who is the culprit, mine or yours, but really it doesnt matter, this is a problem affecting all, and as a family we should try sort it together."

It would seem that you need some ground rules here. How do you feel about your dp disciplining your ds? I think in step-families, with children that age, that both parents should be able to discipline both children within reason. So your dp should trust you to make judgement calls without referring to him each time his ds steps out of line.

You don't sound like you don't want your dp's son there, you just sound unsure.

If it was me I would have taken him aside and talked to him about the poo incident as this is most odd and I don't think it should have been ignored by you or your dp. For one thing, the child is evidently upset at the move and presumeably acting out of character and for another, there is no way that you should have to put up with anyone smearing shit on your walls.

Oh dear, this is hard isn't it, but I do think you need to take a step back and imagine how all this might feel for your partner's son.

7 is still very young, and it's still early days. Whilst the things you mention are irritating, they're not exactly criminal, are they? Stuff like that happens all the time in our house with two boys about the same age.

How long have you known DP? Did you know his son very well before he moved in? Were they living on their own together before?

Even if he isn't overtly showing it, this little boy is probably confused, unsettled and finding it hard to adapt to the new situation. He's gone from being eldest boy to youngest kid, in a strange house, living with a new 'mum' and 'brother' he didn't choose.

I can understand you being a bit angry, but I think you need to give this child more time, show him as much care and friendship as you can, and also sit down with your partner and have a chat about how you intend to help everyone feel comfortable and valuable in this 'new' family unit? Some of this stuff sounds like attention-seeking behaviour to me?

My 7 year old has wiped poo on the wall before when the toilet roll had ran out. Very occasionally I still find traces of it. I find it very worrying, can't seem to get through to him how bad it is.

Agree with QuintessentialShadow

Your ds could be doing this - sometimes children destroy their own belongings to implicate the other party.

He might be your partner's ds but he's also your step son. You don't sound very engaged with him, from your post.

I live in a stepfamily. It is very hard beleiving at first that your own dc can do anything wrong. Because it has never happened before, it is easy to assume it was your dp's son.......and maybe it was.

But from my exp, both parents tend to defend their own dc's very early in a relationship, where you have just started to live together. It takes a looooong time to adjust to things.

I think you should talk to them both about what is accepatable and what isn't. Whoever is doing all this stuff sounds unsettled and this needs to be got to the bottom of (although normal to be unsettled this early on in relationship for dc). Also sometimes children don't appreciate other children's bondaries especially if they are used to being an only one, and I think this is the crux of the whole thing. Also youngest is in a more vulnerabnle position as he has gone from only child to youngest and may find it hard to adjust accordingly

Dc haven't learned to live together yet, but they will in time. My dss and ds were not at all nice to each other at first. Now they rub along ok together. However it took 3 years to reach that point. and it was AWFUL, often felt like walking out, but stuck with it.

Don't expect step parenting to be easy, this sounds quite normal to me

Firstly, as others have said, it's difficult to be absolutely certain that is was all your partner's DS, e.g. the chemistry set. Can you be sure that your own son isn't reacting in his own way against the change in living arrangements? Even if it was your partner's DS, most of the incidents (except the poo-on-wall-debacle) sound like fairly run of the mill scenarios with a 7 year old.

Secondly, try to see things from his perspective - it must be pretty bloody strange and disturbing moving into someone else's house at that age and trying to form a new family. Everything changes, there are new rules, new barriers, new relationships, new ways of doing things. He's probably not sure about anything anymore and certain incidents, e.g. the poo one, may be his way of expressing his distress.

I'm afraid I don't have any direct experience of step families, but the friends I know who do have step children all work really hard to accommodate, engage and be tolerant of each other, especially the children. No doubt someone with a lot more experience can give you some more thoughts on this.

Tolerance, tolerance tolerance, this is the glue of stepfamilies