Please help me with what to say to a teenage boy who has lost his mum

[mycrotchedumbrella]

It happened out of the blue. He cries when he talks about it. I know he wants connection outside his immediate family. I knew his mother and knew that his father(who now lives with them) is not the nicest character and she feared that she would die and he would be left to take the kids.

how can I help from a distance?

So sad. I think it's not what you say, but just being available to him, to listen and to help him get any support he needs when he wants it. X

As a teenage girl I lost my Mum. The things that people said to me that made the difference included,
*If you ever want to talk I'll be happy to listen

• I knew your Mum, if ever you want to share memories I'd be happy to *it's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. Be sad, be angry, it's okay to think life's not fair because damn it's not. *you don't have to be strong, you just have to be you

In this case with a less than pleasant Dad I imagine anything that tells him that your door and ears are open for him any time he needs it will be welcomed.

When my mother died a couple of her friends offered support and reached out to me and called me (even though I didnt really know them well or who they were). They told me stories about her and the things she did with then and for them (e.g. even small things like picking them up from hospital or driving them to places/events together) - somehow it felt like an incredible wave of her and her love being given to me. My mother had cared for these people and that care was now being reflected in their actions and care of and for me. I felt her love of me through them and their actions. It was a great comfort.

Offer a place to be for an hour to a few hours, if things get to intense at home

Go and take him out for the day. Give him a hug. Let him talk. Get a steer from him about what he needs from you right now. Offer lots of reassurance that even though his mum is gone, his link to you is as solid as a rock, and for life (or as long as he needs/wants it).

My friend runs a walking therapy counselling service and apparently men /boys often like that approach as they can walk side by side talking, which encourages them to share more than actual face to face over a desk/table.

Also worth contacting one of the various charities that provide support specifically for kids who have been bereaved.

Make sure you call him at least once a week (same time, same day) so that he has a predictable time and space he can head for if and when he needs to talk It will give him some much needed stability.

Be clear to him about what your relationship is with his dad. He will need to trust you if he wants to disclose anything re difficulties on that front going forward.

Get him on WhatsApp and send gentle messages and things if no consequence that he might like (stupid stories, pictures of daft dogs and cats etc). It shows him that he is in your mind, without you having to say it.

Make sure your put key dates in your diary (his birthday, mums birthday, her death day) to make sure you contact him on those days to show you remember and care.

So sad. That poor child. Your support will be invaluable to him.

*It was particularly powerful because one of my mothers friends knew the difficult and complex circumstances of her death and our family issues. Sometimes he'd just call randomly out of the blue. I cannot express how helpful and effective it is on wellbeing.

What's your situation? I take it you live a long way away.
It's sad.

I agree, get on whatsapp and not every message has to be meaningful. Just that sense that you're on the other end. I think sending a real life card to him on his mum's birthday would be nice, to let him know he's not alone missing her.
This thread is so sad becuase my x is an emotionally stunted angry blamer and I used to worry about what would happen if I died. Your friend got him in to his teenage years though. xx

That's lovely of you to want to be there in some form.

Be willing to talk about his Mum. Show interest in him and his activities ,hobbies , education etc.

If you are near him, take out for coffee and maybe, if you are a baker, bake some cakes etc. I went to a funeral recently where the family talked about how much they were going to miss home baked cakes.

Obviously, you can't replicate something like that, but it shows you've got the teen in mind and have done something specially for him.

You don't need to say anything. Just be there for him. Cry with him, listen to him. Sometimes just saying nothing is the right thing to do. Just being available.

My mother died when I was a teen and when my sister was quite young. There are some great suggestions above. I’d also add the value of having someone who knew her and loved her in his life will be great - talk about her and tell him things about her that are happy and quirky. Most people will not mention her so it’s a way of commemorating her. Also, his own rites of passage without his mother will be hard and can bring stuff back up. Things where his mother would have been very proud e.g school exams, driving tests etc can often really remind you of your loss, well into adulthood. Also, if you have any pictures on your phone or know people who might, perhaps get them printed for him and put them in a little album and give them to him at a later date.

It’s kind of you to be concerned but you need to consider how the father will respond, and you should ask the father if you can contact his son. You can’t possibly have contact with this boy unless the father agrees

The lad’s a teen so he can choose to have contact with OP. If she asks dad and he says no then the boy has no one.
All the above advice is appropriate and caring. So sad that pp have lost their mums, and how more positive their lives were for having caring friends in it.

All of this really 💙

"You can’t possibly have contact with this boy unless the father agrees"

Why? You have no idea how old this kid he's. He could be 17/18 but even if he's 14/15 then there's nothing wrong with offering sympathies and to chat about her friend, his Mum.

Personally I'd kill the Dad with kindness and try to become a "friend" figure to him. At least in the meantime while the kids get used to it

Do what you can.

when my DD was 14 she became friends with a girl who had lost her mum the previous year. She went to live with her dad and stepmom. They were a lot more strict than I was with my DD.

I made sure she was always welcome at my house and made sure I liked her for herself not just as a friend of my DD. She is 25 now and I’m still in contact with her separate to my Dd. She came and stayed with us on Christmas Day. I always send something on her birthday.

I would like her to think that if something awful were to happen, there is someone who she could talk to.

Thank you for all your responses, they have been so helpful.
He is 14 years old and I have known his Mum a long time as part of a local christian community. She was very kind to me, but also did occasional work for me. She was very religious but his father wasn't. His father did not live with them previously but has moved into the council house where she was living with their kids now.
At age 14, what do I have to do in terms of contact with him and his father knowing? I would like to give them money too, but I would prefer it did not go directly to his father.
I am going to check in with him in a consistent way over whatsapp (I have his whatspp - thanks for that tip) and I am going to invite him round in a consistent cadence.

@mycrotchedumbrella there was a lovely programme on BBC1 years ago called being Mum and Dad about how Rio Ferdinand dealt with the death of his wife and how he supported their children.

while your circumstances are different, there were some great tips about dealing with grief that you might find helpful.

I remember in one scene, the children wrote their favourite memories of their mother, each on a separate piece of paper, and kept them in a large jar. Every so often they would empty the jar and read all the memories together.

Do you let your teens choose which adults they associate with by themselves?

speak to the father but if says no and the boy meets you anyway all you’ll be doing is creating stress and tension in the family.

"Do you let your teens choose which adults they associate with by themselves?"

His late mothers friend? Yes
Random bloke off the internet? No

If you can't see the difference then that's on you not the OP. If his dad says no then it's lost forever, not worth the risk.

Write down now everything you can remember about her, small memories and large; funny stories, likes, dislikes, anything. Even seemingly insignificant things you did together, things she said. But also anything which relates to him. You think you'll remember but you might not. Write it all down now- for yourself not for him in this form. Then you can use these memories as and when appropriate throughout your future relationship with him.

Be prepared to be there long term. Everyone expresses concern at first and then they all go back to their normal lives. A teenager may be in acute emotional crisis for a decade. I know I was when my mum died when i was 14.

When i was 21, i went to stay with a uni friend. Her mum made me some sandwiches for the train home. I loved it. I felt so.... mothered. When I opened the packet up on the train, she'd cut them into quarters. Quarters! I cried because I had forgotten how good it felt to be mothered.

My DS, also 14, has had to deal with 2 close deaths this year, though admittedly not as close as a mum.

I found the best way to speak/get him talking was when we were in the car not looking at each other and when we were out for a walk (playing Pokemon Go!) as he didn't have to look at me.
He also has times when he's sat next to me and just leaned on me.

He's cried, he's seen us crying, he knows its all shit and we don't pretend otherwise. We've emphasised that everyone grieves differently and whatever he feels is ok. Talking is ok, not talking is ok, going to your room and zoning out on the Xbox is ok too!

The offers of hugs are always welcomed, even by a teenager, because they mean more than words sometimes.

All these ideas are wonderful. I think it’s perfectly fine for him to be able to talk/meet up with a friend of his late mums without his fathers permission.

How far away are you? If it's local, ask him if he'd like to come over after school and walk your dog with you. Or invite him for a a pizza and film.

If he's a bit further away, tell him you'd love him to come for a weekend.

INvite him to the theatre, or a match.

If things are not too good with Dad he's probably longing to get out of the house.

if You really want to help, help the whole family, be friend the father, encourage the son to improve his relationship with his father.
if you take him out for a walk and the father does nt know about it you could report his son as missing or report you for child abduction.