Why do I want to be in a relationship that is going nowhere?

[Lostoldusername]

Been with partner 2yrs. Both have children from previous marriages
When he drinks he turns into a twat. I feel on edge, anxious what he may say or do (not physical, thats never ever been a worry)
I often have to throw his or my drink away when he's not looking as he doesn't know when to stop and the next day he is full of remorse and self pity.
Why am I holding on to the hope he will change?
We can have a really good stint, then he can just change and ignore me or go quiet on me for a day or 2.
I know it's no good for me but I'm lost on what to do next.
He's very opinionated and if it doesn't go the way he wants, he sulks. Or we are all in the wrong.
Yet I still want to be with him! Why?
When it's good it's bloody incredible but when it's not, it's unbearable.

Sorry to hear this. Your post suggests that you are both mature with previous lives and experience. Sadly nothing will change. The worrying bit is the alcohol and what you are made to put up with afterwards. Life is too short to only live between incredible and unbearable. It should be calm, soothing, compromising with open conversations. You shouldn't be taking on his self pity, putting up with his drinking and most importantly feeling anxious. These men suck the life out of us. When they sense they have a compassionate listener we get trapped. Talking from experience. Those incredible moments are really not worth the rest that is unbearable and full of anxiety. Ask your self - am I only worth this? Would I want my daughter to be in a relationship like this? Am I happy in this or is this just an emotional crutch out of fear of being alone/ single etc? You can change it. You are worth so much more.

Could it be that you value part of your worth, or you think society does, by being part of a couple. No matter how miserable you are you think "but he has chosen me".

Whereas what you are choosing sounds awful. We know some awful men in relationships (ones who drink and think their "daily mail informed" opinions are the only right ones) and our first thought is "it's such a relief that they are no longer on the market".

You know what he is like. You still decide to stay.

Are you living together?

If so, you really need to think about your child's interests - which are not served by being exposed to a problem drinker/alcoholic.

And if not, you really need to think about the energy you're wasting on a problem drinker/alcoholic that would be better spent on your child and your own life.

Doesn't really matter if you want to be with him - you need to do the strong thing.

You know what the truth is - he's no good for you. It's about acknowledging that fact and acting in your best interests, regardless of your feelings. If you wait until you no longer love him to leave, you could be waiting a very long time, but if you leave him now then with a bit of distance you'll start to see clearly who he is and the love will quickly fade. The good times only seem so good because you're comparing them to the bad times which are awful. His behaviour is emotionally abusive, you know it. You're addicted to the drama at the moment, even though you don't like it, the highs seem higher when compared to the lows. You need to stop chasing those highs, they're false. Imagine having the good times all the time with someone else and any bad times being mild, compared to what you're going through now with your partner. Imagine being single first and creating your own peaceful haven for your DC and yourself, no more ups and downs, a stable contented life.

I stayed with someone for 20 years with drug and alcohol plus serious mental health issues. Now we have been separated for over two years and when I see him (co parents) I honestly am baffled as to why I thought the good times were worth the bad. My only explanation is that I am someone who hates discord and we had an established pattern where his bad behaviour would build to a climax, which would provoke a confrontation, then a resolution where he would be hugely contrite and then an angel for a time. My brain would be so relieved at the let up from the awfulness that I would be buoyed into staying even though I knew full well it would just start again. I had to get to a point where I was so numb to him that the cycle had no effect and I was just done.

I think I would have left much sooner if I had sought counselling for myself and I really recommend that.

Because you're afraid of being alone (and not chosen again by someone)?

Thanks so much for your replies, every single one of them makes sense..I will say though that I don't fear being alone, I think it's more so I do genuinely love him so the thought of going through all that heartbreak I'm scared of.
The not eating, sleeping, being short with the kids. All of that I know will happen and that scares me.

He won’t change, don’t waste your life waiting for him to.

No, we don't live together and neither of us want to. It's also unachievable at the moment as our children go to schools 40 mins away from each other.

Is it possible you think of yourself more as his rescuer? I believe this was how my ex-h sucked me in. Oh what a sad life he had and how much happier he’d be with me by his side ( to work and pay the bills except he didn’t say that bit of course) it’s easy to mistake love for rescuing.
Contact Al Anon for support.
And think if you really want to be living like this in 5, 10 years time because he won’t change unless he wants to.

If you don’t live with him, walk away. You owe him nothing. There’s plenty of professional help available to him.

Well, thank goodness for that.

So end it with him, and cry over it, grieve it, and move on.

He's a waste of your mental energy and you know it's going nowhere (which is a good thing). Free yourself.

That's fear of short term pain over long term wasting years of your life and energy on a damaging relationship.