Disappointed with fiancés lack of support

[Bruce84]

We have been together for 3.5yrs and engaged for 1yr. I’m growing frustration with his lack of support with issues, he sits on the fence and ignores what’s going on. I feel like I’m alone to deal with my feelings about things.

For example: last year we unfortunately suffered a miscarriage at 14weeks. I had to go into hospital on his daughter’s birthday, so quite tricky and I tried to understand this… so he didn’t stay with me the whole time, things weren’t progressing as they should so meant I was in hospital for a lot longer than initially expected. My partner left at 3pm to see his daughter, sort tea and try to do birthday celebrations. Which meant I went through the first stage alone. Meanwhile things took longer and longer, so he sorted his parents to stay with his daughter to get back to me at the hospital. I was very poorly, very emotional and very alone. He txt to say he’d be back around 8pm…. When he arrived back he told me he had to wait for his parents to get there as they’d gone out for food, I just assumed he meant pick up some shopping but it turns out they went for a meal!!!!! He stayed with me till
I needed an operation which went ahead about 5am my partner then went home, so his mother could go home and he could get his daughter to school (she was year 6 at the time) he came to visit me during the day, then left again to pick his daughter up from school. I was able to go home at about 6.30pm. He dropped me home then left to go back to his house where his daughter was (we live separately, I have 2 children from a previous relationship, I had put arrangements in place for my children. They stayed with their auntie then went to their dads) I was alone after surgery that night and the following weekend.

I just feel he’s let me down, but also not stood up to his parents and organised care for his daughter. I lost a child…. Or did WE loose a child?

He’s acknowledged he didn’t deal with it right but he just carries on if that makes sense.

I know his parents don’t like me, for no reason, nothing has happened. But I just feel frustrated that he ignores this.

In this situation, it seems like he did ok. Trying to do right by everyone.
Was there a reason he and his daughter couldn't come to yours for the weekend
I'm sorry for your loss

Not really, he just keeps it separate

Sadly I see this as lack of commitment to your relationship.. The cold fact is you were losing your baby and he was out having a meal.
Grim prospects for the future imo.
Sorry for your loss. Maybe make sure you don't get pregnant again while you decide your future.

Sorry for your loss but I think he did the best he could. He was juggling childcare and trying to be there for you. I'm not sure what more he could have done

No his parents had gone for food.

I don't see what he's done wrong here.
If you were ready to get married IMO your family would be as such that the auntie who had your kids would have his too or his parents would have all 3 but I know lots will disagree.

I had a late miscarriage with triplets at 18 weeks, my partner wasn't there when I was in labour. He was at home with our children and I haven't held it against him.
End of the day he had to look after his daughter, im so sorry I hope you can move on from this.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through, it sounds like you have a supportive partner although you needed a bit more support. I'm sure he found it difficult juggling being with you at the hospital, not letting his daughter down on her birthday, getting her to school etc. From your post it seems he did try to do everything he could for everyone but that fell short after you came out of hospital. Don't be too hard on him, he was also probably trying to handle his emotions too. I would speak to him and tell him how you are feeling, communication with each other is best. Wishing you all the best at this sad time

Was he out for a meal while you were in hospital? If yes that's not forgivable. He's shown you firmly where his priorities lie. I would not forgive either but move on and find someone who had a heart.

How was he supposed to stand up to his parents when he was asking them for a favour?

I honestly don't know what else you think he could have done

He didn’t go out for meal, his parents went for a meal. He had to wait till they got to his house to look after his daughter so he could get back to the hospital.

I know he was doing best by everyone but by doing that was vacant from any feelings. Realistically I ‘had’ to be there, I ‘had’ to make appropriate arrangements for my children.

So sorry for your loss

I can understand early in a relationship keeping your DC 'separate' to the relationship but surely not if you're engaged?

Personally I wouldn't be getting engaged where there are dc/SDC involved unless you were already a blended family

He had to prioritise the child he had to care for.
Unfortunately you had no choice but to be there. He had no choice but to be with his child. It was just an all round shit situation. But there is no villain here.

Yes I do see it from that point of view too! I just think there’s a time and a place to go for a meal, when your son is trying to juggle the situation isn’t one of them. But I’m looking at it, if it was my son in that position. Appreciate your comment though.

But you're not his parents. Ultimately his parents felt differently to you. That's not his fault.

I'm sorry for your loss.
What his parents chose to do wasn't his fault. It sounds like he was trying his best in an awful situation. I find it odd you don't live together if you are planning on having a baby. Did you ask him to stay at yours the night you came home?

Sorry for your loss too xx

What he did sounds OK to me, but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you don’t sound like you want to marry him.

Honestly I understand how you feel but I think he did the best he could. It seems he was juggling a lot and his parents going for a meal was not his fault. I think you need to look at it that way, that he was juggling a lot and depending on others to do what he needed to do so he did his best. If he hadn't come to see you in the hospital at all then i would think differently, but he did and I think that means a lot.

That's an awful ordeal you've been through, it sounds horrendous and I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I can understand you feel emotional and maybe even angry, but I think you're misplacing that anger?

So, are you upset with him or his parents? What would you have preferred him to do to show you more support? What were his options re childcare when it became apparent his parents were obviously going to finish their meal before considering helping out with childcare during this heartbreaking crisis?

I'm not giving him a pass as I obviously don't know the whole story and only you know if you think he was supportive enough. That said, I'm not sure I would be thinking of starting a family with someone who wants to 'keep things separate'. I can't see how this would work unless your DC lives with their other parent and so does his - or am I missing something here?

We are currently looking for our home and at the time our buyers had pulled out. Yes I’d asked him to stay.

I can’t see what he did wrong. Especially as it was his year 6 daughter’s birthday.

I don’t see what he did wrong tbh. He tried to be there as much as he could, whilst also trying to balance other commitments.

On the day I found out my cancer had returned after several years being cancer free, I had a client meeting just a few hours later that I couldn’t rearrange. I also had a court deadline that same day which only I could deal with. Sometimes you have different commitments and have to manage them as best as you can whilst dealing with something traumatic. You don’t want to but you have to as that’s life. I don’t know how to say this without sounding insensitive but the reality is the world doesn’t stop when something traumatic happens to you.

You also can’t hold it against him that his parents chose to go for a meal before watching their granddaughter.

So sorry for your loss. I have been through similar and I say kindly that some men just can't deal with baby loss very well. I also think he did the best he could with children to look after.

Don't blend families with multiple dcs from different relationships.

Just don't.

Similar happened to me, but l don’t hold it against Dh.

I was having a terrible miscarriage, so much blood, and had to go to hospital. He came with me, but then had to go to look after his ds.

l had a D and C on my own as he was looking after children.

its just the way it fell.