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Original poster

Really bad atmosphere :(

15 replies

AceSpades · 25/01/2008 13:08

At weekend my DH had a HUGE row with our son. Basically son had had a falling out with his friend and the friend had said something about "at least we don't live in a shit hole" referring to the area we live in. DS took offense and was quiet all night and we finally got it out of him what was said. Anyway DH hit the roof and said he wanted a fight with this kid. The kid is only 14.

DS started shouting that this is why he never tells us anything because his dad is so childish and ott so DH started saying he wanted a fight with DS AND his friend. In the end DH phoned the kid, gave him a mouthful and this resulted in the kids dad phing DS and telling him to keep "his family" away from his son.

DS hit the roof, said he hated DH and wanted to go and live with his grandma so DH decided he wanted a fight with the other kids father instead and started badgering on at DS about where they lived.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, ds went to school on monday, was bullied all day by the kid and his friends who ripped the piss out of DH apparantly and DS refused to come home, went to his grandmas and has refused to go to school for the rest of the week. School is now on my back asking what is going on and saying DS says he has problems at home. I'm worried they'll call social services.

DH refuses to talk about the situation saying it was all DS's fault and he wants nothing more to do with it. In other words he knows what he's done and is embarrassed and wants to pretend it hasnt happened.

So now, me and DH are not speaking, DS wont speak to me and my mother is not speaking to us either. How am I supposed to sort this out if nobody will speak to me???

OP posts:

pooka · 25/01/2008 13:12

I am afraid that your dh sounds like a grumpy child. I am desperately trying to think of something practical that you can do to resolve the situation. What does ds's grandma say? Is she dh's mother or your's. Somehow or other you need to get talking about this, but a great part I think must be played by your dh accepting that he was completely out of order and that your ds was right to want to avoid aggressive parental confrontation.

mumblechum · 25/01/2008 13:13

Your dh sounds like Kevin the Teenager. He was completely out of line to call your ds's friend and I don't blame his dad for getting upset.

Having said that, I'd let the whole episode be water under the bridge now.

Carmenere · 25/01/2008 13:15

OMG how bloody irresponsible and childish is your dh? I am shocked that a grown adult would want to 'fight' a child of 14 and encourage some playground teasing to become a major issue. I don't have and advice for you, just sympathy. And I don't blame your ds for wanting to stay at his grandmas.

Carmenere · 25/01/2008 13:16

I think that your dh should apologise to your ds, the friend and the friends dad tbh.

Niecie · 25/01/2008 13:21

That is really awful for you! Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.

I think you have to go round and see your son and talk to him at his Grandma's house. Your DH has caused this and I think this on of those instances where you have to put your child ahead of your husband. Find out what your DS would like to happen, what he would want from your DH to make him feel happy to come home. I think you also need to tell Grandma the whole story so that she has both sides as she isn't helping the situation much by refusing to talk either.

Once you know what DS wants you can talk to DH and tell him why DS is so upset. Is there ever any reasoning with DH? Is there even the smallest possibility that he will apologise? He needs to recognise the part he played in this mess rather than just walking away.

I feel very sorry for both you and your DS.

chopchopbusybusy · 25/01/2008 13:26

Being a teenager is tough enough without having a complete arse as a Dad.

I've just read your thread about your DH and your friend.

Harsh maybe, but does he have any redeeming qualities.

Niecie · 25/01/2008 13:40

I was going to ask how good your relationship is with DH because I think if DS wouldn't come home because of his father, DH should move out, at least temporarily. I am assuming from Chopchop's comment it isn't great and your DH has to realise he can't go on behaving like this.

DS has done nothing wrong and needs your protection and support.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 25/01/2008 14:04

I don't think DH is embarrassed. I think he is hoping it will blow over.

He has been a complete idiot and he needs to grow up.

Unbelievable that he wanted to fight a 14 year old kid and his son.

Your son needs to go to school, his school need to stop the bullying and your DH needs to grow up. Oops, said that already.

Your mother needs to stay out of your business if she isn't going to help or be supportive.

evelynrose · 25/01/2008 14:07

No advice really, just to say that 14 is probably the peak age of being embarrassed by one's parents so I do feel for your son here even though I can understand why your DH was offended and upset.

mumof2fabkids · 26/01/2008 23:27

God, I really feel for you and your DS, poor kid, how embarassing for him, it was a storm in a tea cup but your H has made it all out war. I would go and visit him at his Grans and talk it through with him and then speak to the school as they could be imagining all sorts is going on when they could actually be helping you get through this. Go 1st thing Monday to the school and see what they can do. As for DS - lost for words!

Blu · 26/01/2008 23:34

If your DS and mother think you are on the fence, no wonder they are fed up with you.

I think your DS needs to know that you think his dad was completely out of order, and that you sympathise with him. Tell your DS that - and then leave it to the two of them to negotiate thier relationship.

You can't play piggy-in-the -middle - no one will end up happy that wya, especially you.

Your DH is a complete idiot - frankly I would send him to his own mother's until he apologises to every other party involved.

Blu · 26/01/2008 23:37

Actually, it is quite a problem, really, isn't it? That your young teenager feels he cannot talk to you about important things because he can't trust his father's reaction?

Would it help to start spending lots of time with your son without his dad present? Let him know that you at least can be trusted to listen sensitively?

catsmother · 27/01/2008 13:48

Your DH sounds like a neanderthal. FFS, what supposed "adult" thinks the answer to any disagreement - or apparent slight - is a fight ??

Let alone the fact that his 1st thought was a fight with a child !!! Then he wanted to fight the child's father as well. Actually, having re-read this, he also wanted to fight his own son too didn't he - jesus christ, no wonder the poor lad didn't want to explain why he was upset.

And then, to compound matters further, his summing up of the situation is that his own 14 year old child is the root cause of the current problematic situation.

I feel really, really sorry for your DS. I can just imagine what the other kids at school have made of his psycho-dad. If one or more of them already think he lives in a "shithole" (okay, completely unacceptable and a rude, hurtful thing to say, but pretty much on a par with the sort of stuff ignorant teenagers come out with) then his father's ranting will have just compounded the stereotype of a "shithole" and the sort of people who live there. The fact this "adult" is refusing to a) accept the blame for this (and IMO it's 100%) and b) is too bloody stupid/childish to try to sort it out actually proves that your son's friends' assessment of his dad is pretty accurate. That poor boy must feel he has no-one he can trust.

Am guessing that this hasn't come out of the blue ?

Your son desperately needs at least one of his parents on his side .... I agree with Blu & Niecie, that at the very least he needs to know that you care enough about him to put him first and if that means asking DH to move out temporarily until he is "man" enough to deal with this properly then so be it.

Hecate · 27/01/2008 13:52

Your husband is ridiculous.

TBH, it sounds like your son is well out of it. Why not let him stay with his grandma?

This kid said a stupid thing. Kids do that. Your husband responding with, basically, "C'mon then, y'bastards, I'll 'ave the lot o yer.." is ludicrous.

He is doing nothing beyond showing himself to be stupid and a thug.

Credit to you that your son is not following suit.

chenin · 27/01/2008 14:55

Your DS sounds like a complete darling. Poor him having this to contend with... it is hard at 14 tbh

And if your DH is gonna react like this every time someone says something he doesn't agree with, you are going to have a LOT of problems. At age 14 this is just the start of it... kids and teens can be hurtful, but that's life and all part of growing up. I can't for one minute imagine myself in this situation, but i would go completely beserk if my DH threatend to beat up a 14 year old boy and your DS. He obviously has a huge huge chip on his shoulder....

Your son needs to see you take drastic steps to sort this.... maybe your DH could be the one who moves out for a while.

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