Break up and holding my nerve.

[ZealAndArdour]

Hi all,

I broke up with my partner of just under four years yesterday. No horrific transgression on either part, I’d been very anxious for a long time which kind of reached a critical point over the last few weeks where I’ve been feeling I haven’t had control of my life and timelines for career/babies/finances etc as we seemed to be on different trajectories with money/aspirations, etc. We hadn’t been intimate for a long time and it wasn’t really fair on either of us.

He is a great person though, my best friend, kind and gentle, looked after me when I’ve had some health problems, and day to day we rubbed along just fine, nice weekends away, shared interests etc, but I think we had just become the very best of friends. I could have carried on like that, but was getting more and more anxious, as whenever I zoomed out to look at the bigger picture of the future/fertility (I’m 36, he’s 37) I just couldn’t make it all stack up right, so I’d been putting it off and just trying to live in the moment.

I want to make it clear that I do love this person, and I care about him and respect him very, very much. I’m just not sure the love is the kind that would sustain us into marriage and raising a family, etc. The love almost feels maternal and protective in a way.

I’d initiated multiple conversations in the past about how we’d get ourselves to a level playing field with finances and all of those things, but he’s very conflict-averse and we’d end up shelving the conversation and I’d ask again in several months time. Because of the inability to ever get everything out on the table and discuss it all, I’d over time felt the relationship becoming a bit more superficial, lots of “love yous” and quick pecks on the cheek, but never any health conflict or deep discussion. I would raise an issue, and he would retreat in fear to an almost child-like “are you going to dump me?” default position. So I’d offer reassurance, attend to his emotional needs, and at the same time sacrifice my own.

Yesterday after a totally sleepless night (and acutely worsening anxiety over the last few weeks) I realised I finally had to act on it all and spoke to him about the issues, explained that I’d felt things were too far gone for us to really fix them, and that I no longer felt like I had time to spare on waiting for things to get sorted, that I’d tried conversations etc and we’d never made progress. He took some things and went to his mums.

What I wonder is how do I hold my nerve now and stick with being apart? It feels very hard when you have your little routines within a relationship that all worked okay. Last night one of our cats who he normally plays with just before bed came into look for him and it made me really sad. How do I continue in my belief that this is right? That something better or happier or more fulfilling is out there? How do I remain certain that hurting someone so kind and gentle (but emotionally immature) is the right thing to have done?

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

You save this post on your phone and read it back when needed. Sometimes breakups happen because long term you know you won't be happy. Alot of people sleepwalk along and don't ever question the relationship, you have and saved yourself further unhappiness my getting out now. I was in a similar position to you and ended a relationship after 3 years, if im honest i regularly wonder did i make the right decision. We all tend to look back on things with rose tinted glasses. My ex and I have both moved on to new relationships and i wonder is he happier, am i happier, are they more suited to each other, am i more suited to my new partner? Sometimes i know the answer and sometimes i dont. Life goes on though. There isnt really an answer if that makes sense, we lived each day anew.

My advice is make a list of goals, things you would like to achieve and plan.
Also know that as long as you want and are willing to you will find love again, so will he.

You are right, I think I’m just in the thick of the early days of it, and it will pass at some point, I hope it does. Opening the fridge and seeing shopping he bought at the start of the week for our evening meals, knowing the bedding needs changing but then it won’t be bedding he’s slept in. Wandering around a four bed house on my own and not needing all this space. It all just feels a bit bleak. I know he’s hurting and I’ve done that to him, and simultaneously being the only person who can offer him comfort, but not being able to do that. I know I might have regrets at some stage, and those are the worries coming to the fore currently.

This is going to be very tough and painful for a while but huge well done to you. Your future self will be so grateful that you have taken this step.

Rather than having your fertility window run down by a man who won’t move to the next stage (because he can probably father children well into his 40s and even 50s), you’re taking the wheel so you can get yourself to the right place for you. There are no guarantees but the chances of regret would be much greater if you had stayed than with you going.

By taking this bold step, you are investing in the future you want to build for yourself rather than acting out of fear and clinging to something you know isn’t right for you. And you know this relationship isn’t right for you.