7 weeks and still not coping

[Mollylegs]

Hi, it's been 7 weeks since my husband left me and I'm still nor coping. We were together for 20 years and have an 18 year old son. My heart is just broken, my mother in law came round on Wednesday and I was in tears before she came anyway and she said can I not see a future for myself by now, I told her that her son had left me, I'm in the house that has only his name on the mortgage so I'm scared of what's going to happen to us,my husband has just rented a house so I can't see him paying the mortgage for long, and I'm still absolutley devastated. So she said ok I better be off then. I just can;t cope with it all, im trying to not be upset in front of my son so that he doesn;'t get upset but we were talking yesterday and he said he is bothered about his dad moving further away from us. I'm gutted that now probably my son will be away at weekends, I've been to my GP who gave me diazepam for a few days but that was when it first happened and she said she wouldn't give me anymore. I'm in such a state though I'm not sleeping and not eating much as I feel sick. Am I being stupid by still being so upset 7 weeks on, certain people are telling me I should be pulling myself together by now, but I'm not I\m still in pieces.

7 weeks is nothing op
I think you need to go back to your gp and ask what else they can do

You need to take control, work out what your options on the house are, can you sell and buy somewhere new, even somewhere new?

I don’t think it’s very long either.

But I also think it’s in your best interest to start thinking about your future so that your ex doesn’t take advantage and leave you screwed.

As well as medication can you try yoga (for grief and sleep - lots of options on YouTube if you google), acupuncture, gentle walks and eating as healthily as you can?? I’d also, as hard as it may be, try and make some plans. Find some support from family and friends.

You will get through this

Yanbu op. Hugs. 7weeks vs 20years, that's nothing. You are grieving. Have you contacted a lawyer about your options?

Of course it's not unreasonable to still be upset 7 weeks on, but you do need to help yourself. Eat good food, go for walks, keep up with housework and see a solicitor. Every day will be a small step forward.

Hi Fedup078 I've been back to my GP and she put my anti depressants up but it\s not helped, I"m in tears everyday.

Chanel that upset into anger. Get the best advice on how to move on both emotionally and practically.
FWIW - if he stops paying the mortgage his credit score will be fucked and the property will get repossessed. (So sort out a divorce lawyer ASAP).

Hi oopsiedaisy I"m not sure that I can do anything as the mortgage is just in his name.We have lived here for 13 years and my son doesn"t want to move

You need to see a lawyer so you know your legal rights and how to move forward from here.

If you are legally married then then house belongs to both of you.

Of course it's reasonable to upset about the breakdown of a 20 year marriage after a few weeks. And your son is 18, it's ok for him to see you upset.

You need to appoint a solicitor. Stop thinking Of things as belonging to your husband. All assets belong to you equally.

Do you work? As your son is an adult it's unlikely your ex will pay maintenance so you need to consider what you can afford, taking account of half of your assets (equity, savings, pensions).

Don't seek support from your ex's family. No matter how close you have been up until now he is their son and their loyalties will be with him. Seek out support from your friends and family. Let them know you are struggling.

My husband left me too and I’m 5 months gone and only now starting to feel somewhat ok. I’m still a mess inside and cannot process what’s happened BUT I can see a future. I can see this is a good thing. I can see myself again. 7 weeks is nothing. Everyday will be like an emotional rollercoaster. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to feel ok. Process your feelings now and do what you can. You will get through this xxx

Gosh poor you and you poor son.
take care of each other. Try to eat well, get some exercise (even a walk will do), confide in friends. 7 weeks is nothing. you will get there OP, you will.

Hi worthyornot, thank you for your kind message, I don't have family,my only family was my husband and my son and now he's gone. He was supposed to be staying at his sisters house which is across the road, yet he was never there. I can see my mother in laws house from my sons bedroom window so they were all I had too. If I didn't have my son I would honestly rather not be here at all then all this pain would be gone.x

7 weeks is absolutely nothing in this case. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are not going mad but grieving a huge shock, loss and change of life. It will take a good while to process. If you cry every day then cry every day. It is the grieving process and will be your pathway out of pain. You must understand you are married and it doesnt matter at all if the house is in his name it is split between you. If you are not working then it might be a good idea to start thinking about work or increasing your hours. Dont involve any of his family and just stick to your friends and family for support. Get legal advice asap. When you are vulnerable then bad financial mistakes can be made when your husband begins to move on financially and proactively with his life. Its terribly painful being left like this but please try and separate your grieving brain with the sensible brain that needs to move forward with practical financial advise with separation. Big hugs, try and eat and make sure you continue with the anti depressants they can take up to 6 weeks to work x

HI Havingamoment247 I just can't process it either, I don't know how long it will take me to get over it. x

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has replied, I don't know how to say thank you to every person xx

It may not seem like it now, but you still have a long and happy life ahead of you. It might not be what you envisioned but that doesn't mean it will be dismal or sad.

You can do this. First thing is to find a solicitor to stand up for your interests. You are in the driver's seat, not your ex. Take charge.

Of course your not being stupid - 7 weeks is nothing.

You've know the man for over 20 years - you can't just turn off emotions with a snap of your fingers.

A few suggestions which might help at least for a few minutes each day:-

Remember your MIL is your husband's mother. Her allegiance is to him so I would keep yourself distant from MIL, his sister and all of his family. They want you to be all bright eyed and looking forward to an amazing future by yourself so they don't have to feel guilt by association from your DH's actions.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor; Ask friends or your local Gossip girls / local recommendations pages on Facebooks for recommendations for solicitors who specialise the divorce.

I like Rainbowqueen's idea of yoga, or try my go-to-exercise of T'ai Chi, even a walking group. Exercise is really good for your frame of mind, it really is. And it will get you out of the house and help with your sleep too.

As for not eating - I get that. Try some soup to start with, or custard, ice cream. Simple soft food that slips down easily.

Financial stuff - the good news is, as your married, it doesn't matter if the house is in his name only as you have an equal claim, and also his pension and any savings. You don't mention if you work - if you do, can you increase your hours - would help you financially and also help with distracting you. If you don't work - could you think about what you could / would like to do ? There's a very good organisation called the National Careers Service. They advise of all things careers, including getting back into the workforce. Their website is nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/

Remember us - this a 24 hr website and someone will be around to hold you hand late at night / early morning when you can't sleep.

Don't be ashamed of your tears: this man has broken your marriage and it's totally understandable you are upset. Your son will also be upset and worried for his future - it's OK for him to see you upset, it validates his feelings too

Them people saying you should be pulling yourself together by now are fucking idiots and should be regarded as such x

7 weeks is nothing, 5 years my husband left me I am still in bits. I am still hoping he will come back despite the fact he is with someone else.

Kosherbill, thank you for your comment, that just seems impossible to see at the moment.

Hello DPotter, thank you for all your advice, a lot of my problem is that I don't go out of the house unless I'm with someone, so I don't have a job. He gave me no real reason for leaving he just said I don't care anymore and left. I didn't see it coming so it's hit me and Jack really hard. On the Wednesday morning he said he was going out on his motorbike at lunchtime, I asked if he'd be back for tea and he said no but I won't be late. By 1 o'clock in the morning he still hadn't came home, I rang his friend who he was out with as my husband had a motorbike accident once before, his friend said he had been home since 9pm so hubby wasn't with him. I started ringing local hospitals and giving his name and anything else but he hadn't been brought in. So he came back about 1.30 and I said where the hell have you been? you have a phone and could have rang so me and your don weren't going mad with worry. He just said he'd been out just riding around and went to sleep on the couch, when I got up the next morning and woke him up he said I'm leaving and he told my son the same apart from he had said to him he was going to his sisters for some space, he said he might be back but he might not. So myself and my son waited and he came back because the shower water was leaking through the kitchen ceiling so he had to sort it out. He then told me he wasn't coming back and I said to him well can you go upstairs and tell your son please, to which he replied no I've got to get back to look after my sisters dog. So I had to tell our son again that his dad had made his mind up and he wasn't coming back. I've also had to tell him his dad has rented a house nowhere us, it would take my son 3 buses to get there. I'm just so upset that I do feel physically sick all of the time. sorry for the long post xx

MissBombastic555 thank you, it's mostly my MIL and another friend x

ErinAoife, I feel so bad for you, that's what i"m worrying about thinking I wish he would just come back. Apart from that I have the worry about what is going to happen to my son and me if he sells the house, it wouldn't leave me with enough to pay for a new home, life id just awful xx