Self esteem in relationships

[Namechanged454]

Apologies if this doesn't make sense but I've just been sat thinking and wondered if anyone else was the same. When I was with my ExH (for 10 years) I literally had zero self confidence or esteem...hated looking in the mirror unless I was heavily dolled up for a night out or something..had issues with weight..was basically just always hating on how I looked and wondering what people saw when they looked at me. I didn't often put effort in to looking nice - threw on clothes and never really did my hair and makeup. In 2020 I left him, and I gained so much confidence. I still wouldn't have said I thought I was attractive, but I had an air of confidence even if I had no make up on and joggers for the school run. I made more effort daily to look after myself and I think it showed, I didn't hate the way I looked so much. I've now been with my new partner for 18months and I have been feeling for a few months that I'm slipping back into them habits..hair is shoved up every day, makeup ran out and I haven't rebought, haven't been to the hairdressers for months, eyebrows need doing, never really pamper myself, back to hating my weight and zoning in on the things I hate (my nose..my belly...my thick hair!?). It's all consuming at times and I've gone back to throwing comfy clothes on instead of trying to look nice. I know I drive my boyfriend mad because I don't believe any of his compliments...whereas when we first met I probably lapped them up and felt great! Why does this seem to happen when I'm in a relationship?! It's so strange! I'm determined to get out of this funk, hair appt booked for tomorrow and I'm gonna have a pamper evening tonight...but knowing why it happens might help I guess!? I dunno..needed to get my ramblings out 🤣

I have no confidence in myself but I try to look at the best things I have in life. If ur new partner is happy with u, it doesn't matter wot u look like he loves u for the inner u. Inner beauty is better than outer beauty 😍

The sane part of my brain does think this way, and I know he loves me for exactly how I am...but the irrational side of my brain fixates on all the things he surely finds repulsive 🤣. Thank you for your reply though and sorry you also lack self confidence xx

Thing is, I'm only a size 10 so I know in my brain that I'm not massively overweight or anything..but that's not what I see when I look in the mirror..I'm only about 8lbs heavier than when I met my boyfriend but I obsess over the fact he met the skinnier version of me so how can he like me now. I hate the way I think!

I had a baby in November I was a 14 now a size 16/18 in jeans so my confidence is bad but I think.now my husband still loves me for me. I'll get back there

I bet you're absolutely beautiful, size 8, 14 or 18 ❤️ congrats on the baby! X

How else do you hold yourself in high/low esteem, other than looks?

Tbh, I pretty much beat myself up about everything! Parenting, relationship, friendships, work etc. I'm quite a bright woman but don't push myself to go for jobs that give me much responsibility because I'm terrified of failure. I have an interview next week at a college and I'm ready to cancel...I wish I hadn't even applied even though the sensible part of my brain knows I'm more than qualified and capable. I give myself a hard time about pretty much everything.

So why is your whole post regarding self esteem about how you look? Why is it looks that you're focussing on? You have bigger fish to fry.

If you were a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist or a marathon runner or an award winning musician, do you honestly think you'd be here, writing posts about running out of make up and how big your bum is?

I guess because how I look is something that affects me every day? Every time I get dressed, or leave the house, or walk past a mirror etc. I can cope with beating myself up about parenting - it just makes me try harder. I can cope with not pushing myself career wise because I still work and earn money. I can cope with analysing my friendships too much - it probably makes me a better friend as I check in with people more often etc. I know I have several issues regarding self esteem but "looks" was what I guess I've been noticing more recently...and hating how you look is bloody exhausting! Every comment made by someone at work stating that I look tired that day, or my friend telling me I looked bloated the other week. Probably laughed or brushed off by most people but I will feel conscious for weeks over one small comment. It's ridiculous!

It's ridiculous

So you're calling your feelings ridiculous. That's the root of the problem. Think about what would happen if you respected that feeling, the one where someone makes a comment, and you feel like you can hear it over and over again for weeks, and it makes you feel like shit.

What would you do if you thought that that feeling was actually giving you a valid message, rather than just being some silly stupid little distraction? What would the message be?

I don't really know? The message I guess would be a) it doesn't matter what other people say b) I need to care less about other peoples opinions c) I have no idea how to care less 🤣.
The annoying thing is, I wouldn't dream of judging other people or commenting on how they look..yet I judge myself so heavily.

a) it doesn't matter what other people say b) I need to care less about other peoples opinions c) I have no idea how to care less 🤣

Right. So, a) it does matter to you what people say, so why are you over-riding that in interpreting your feeling. This is the issue: as soon as you feel something, you over-ride it with correction thoughts about what you should be feeling.

There are no 'shoulds'. If something makes you feel crap, it makes you feel crap. You want to feel less crap, so firstly, you have to accept where you are. And where you are isn't 'it doesn't matter what people say'.

b) Do you need to care less, or just keep caring exactly as you do, and develop other things that matter more? i.e. currently, all you have is other people's opinion of you, but if you added a more positive self-view, those people's opinions would get over-laid with a dose of 'I don't give a shit because I think I'm fab whether you agree with me or not.' This means that you don't have to try to stop feeling something, but can develop your emotional resilience so that you can better handle feeling what you feel. It's impossible to stop feeling something, or we'd all stop feeling good about eating chocolate digestives and watching Netflix, and stop feeling bad about studying and working hard, exercising etc.

c) watch this space and we'll get there :)