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Relationships

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Original poster

Would this put you off?

18 replies

curlywurlygirlie · 30/09/2022 08:53

I've been seeing someone since January but I'd known him a while before. We only see each other maybe once or twice a week, I have 2 children and he works full time.
He still lives with his mum which I do too after my failed marriage, so that's fine. I actually knew and liked his mum before we were together. But she demands a lot of him. Sometimes he can't meet on weekends as he has to help her do jobs, and she gets upset if he wants to go out too often! He wants to move out soon and I'm not sure how that will go down.
He's lovely, kind, funny, we have good chemistry.. but would that put you off?

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 30/09/2022 09:00

Why do you care whether it would put other people off? Is that how you decide what to feel?

Does it put you off? How does it make you feel?

Chamomileteaplease · 30/09/2022 09:01

Which bit? The fact that he would let his mother dictate his weekends?? Yes it bloody well would!

It is great that he is planning to move out but is this going to be very soon??

What does he say about putting his mother's jobs before seeing you? I would not be happy and nor would many others.

A serious chat is in order I would say, to see if this can be saved.

forgotoldusername · 30/09/2022 09:04

Both the fact that he lives with mum and the fact that she dictates his every move would put me off. I think after the age of 21 a man (MAN is the key word here) needs to have his own independence. I would move on swiftly

NightmareSlashDelightful · 30/09/2022 09:07

Has he ever lived independently? Have you? (I’m assuming you have, but you do never know.)

I think you need to get a sense of where your values as individuals align (and where they don’t) and also have a good, cold, hard look at boundaries.

MermaidEyes · 30/09/2022 09:10

He sounds like a bit of a mummy's boy. It's nice he helps her out but she shouldn't be dictating his life. Even if he moves out, you can guarantee she'll expect him round there several evenings and weekends, just because.

Original poster

curlywurlygirlie · 30/09/2022 09:14

I lived with my ex husband for 10 years, I'm only at my parents now due to financial reasons. My youngest is only a year old.
It does miff me off that I only have limited free time due to the children and then he can't meet me sometimes during that free time "because mum has a list of chores for me to do"
I understand he respects her and pays his way for living with her. But I don't know. If him and his brother have too many evenings not at home she gets upset and makes him stay in, or at least guilt trips him enough that he feels he has to. He missed football training last night as she said he had been out a lot this week!
He lived with his ex for about 6 months I think and every single Sunday they had to go round.

OP posts:

SallyWD · 30/09/2022 09:21

As long as he's able to stand up to his mother and live his life as he wishes, then no it wouldn't put me off. If he was seemed scared to leave home or generally just scared of upsetting her then I'd worry. It's not his fault how his mother is but if she has too much power over him it would make your life as a couple quite difficult.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 30/09/2022 09:25

He lived with his ex for about 6 months I think and every single Sunday they had to go round

move on, this Mammy's boy will do your head in!!

I can understand him helping her with heavy/big jobs & doing at least his share of housework, but 'has a list of chores he has to do'. Fuck off.

if he's willing to let his team down because mammy said he's been out too much this week, he's as wet as a fish.

& if he'll stay home with her 'because' and not see you when you can arrange your parents/babysitters/ex to have the kids, things are not going to change.

he's not a viable option until he develops a backbone & you'll be wasting years if not 'forever' waiting for that to happen!!

Bookworm20 · 30/09/2022 09:33

Would totally put me off. You are restricted with time for a very legitimate reason - the children.

He is being restricted because of his mum? Nah, hes either lying and using her as an excuse or he is a total mummys boy. Neither of these are attractive!

I am assuming as you lived with your ex for 10 years, he isn't fresh out of uni either and into his thirties?

As for him saying he wants to move out. Whats he actually doing to make that happen?

MermaidEyes · 30/09/2022 09:35

So his brother lives at home too? If they're both much older than mid 20s I'd do a runner. Otherwise you know where you'll be every Sunday for the next 30 years!

zonky · 30/09/2022 09:45

Does he mind being at home? Maybe he feels a sense of duty towards his mum and why he helps her out a lot? Just because you're restricted by children (and it's deemed more acceptable by society), doesn't mean others can't have whatever 'restrictions' they choose, one isn't more legitimate than the other.

ReeseWitherfork · 30/09/2022 10:03

For me…. It’s not a deal breaker but it certainly is something to monitor. If it actually stops you seeing each other in a meaningful way then probably time to call it quits, and I don’t think that just applies to seeing his mum but whatever it might be, even if it’s something positive. He might be a rocket scientist (that don’t impress me much) and has to go to the moon once a week every six months. If you’re not down with that sort of disruption in seeing each other then it’s not worth pursuing.

Upsidedownagain · 30/09/2022 10:09

Your second post makes it sound even worse. Assuming he is well into adulthood, this is ridiculous. I had a friend at uni whose mother made him phone her at regular intervals on the dot of 6pm (pre mobile phone/ internet days) and I thought that was OTT.

If he can't shake off the shackles, this doesn't sound like it's going to change anytime soon.

wackamole · 30/09/2022 10:32

You each have obligations and need to plan ahead for when you see each other. If you're doing that planning together and he's frequently cancelling, that's a problem. The majority of household chores can be planned ahead so they don't conflict with his plans with you or his other obligations. It may also help for him to communicate his plans more clearly to his mother than he'd be used to doing with a partner or flatmate - e.g., if he tells her in advance that he'll be out all day on Saturday and she has something she wants help with over the weekend, they can plan ahead to do it Sunday afternoon.

If him and his brother have too many evenings not at home she gets upset and makes him stay in, or at least guilt trips him enough that he feels he has to. I can understand her wanting to spend time with them to do something in particular, and wanting him to follow through on his promises of what he'll get done around the house, but this sounds more like she just doesn't want them out?

He missed football training last night as she said he had been out a lot this week!
Again, sounds like she wants him in due to some arbitrary ratio, not because they have plans or she needs him at the moment. If he plays football he likely has obligations to his team and his coach/trainer(s) - fine to skip in an emergency but this is a very silly reason and I'd expect him to say no to his mother and go anyway.

In your place, I might be worried at this point that (1) he isn't standing up to his mother/following through on his obligations to others even if that means a little hassle and (2) he may be using his mother as an excuse for avoiding or cancelling things he didn't really want to do in the first place. I realise (2) sounds a bit odd, and it may not apply in this case, but I've seen too many men (including my own brother all through secondary school) do a helpless "mum won't let me!" to get out of things they themselves did not want to do. Unfortunately, society is all to ready to believe anything of a "problem mum" no matter how unrealistic the descriptions of her behaviour and demands sound. Just something to think about.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 30/09/2022 10:52

Suggest a very tempting event. Find out if he is prepared to put his relationship with you before the demands of his dm. Sounds very enmeshed to me.

GoogleUser · 30/09/2022 13:09

The Sunday lunch part of your last message made me cringe! The mum of a guy I dated in my younger years expected all four of her adult sons, along with their families, at her house every Sunday for the traditional lunch at 1pm sharp! No excuses! Be very cautious here and set your boundries now. Believe me, you do not want to spend every single Sunday at the mums house! Parents who have this type of control over their adult childrens lives should be kept at arms length... otherwise they'll end up controlling your life too, by association. It may be too late to save him from the Sunday lunches, but please... save yourself!

Bookworm20 · 30/09/2022 13:42

One thing that has stood out, is you say you only see each other once or twice a week.

But he tells you he can't meet up sometimes because hes been out too much already that week and his mum wants/needs him in.

Sounds like a bit of an excuse, i'm sorry. Or he is finding time to be out doing alot of other stuff in the week, and he isn't prioritising those 1 or 2 times a week he could have been able to see you.

So basically you appear to be at the bottom of a list somewhat:
Stuff he's out doing that he wants to do
Stuff his mum wants him to do/time with her
Time with curlywurlygirlie

coverp · 30/09/2022 14:12

Honestly, dating someone who is a mummy's boy requires far less understanding and compromise than dating someone with young children. So if he is otherwise a good egg I'd probably crack on.

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