Romantic feelings for friend - what should I do ?

[Luketens]

Hi all,

I'm not a longtime poster, but have been lurking on MN for a while, I like the diversity and frankness of the views and was hoping you can give me some perspective on my situation (sorry if this will be a bit long).

I'm a man, early 40s, single at the moment, no kids and I have a very good female friend, also the same. We're both working for a big international aid organization, that's how we met a couple of years ago, in a posting in conflict area, we have more or less similar level positions, but in different departments.

We became friends after a while, have similar interests, outlook on life, sense of humor etc. We were spending quite a lot of time together, both at work and outside of it (as international staff sent around the world, we also share living compounds, usually with 10-15 other people at a time, so friendships and bonds tend to develop quickly in these situations).

It was platonic from the beginning, no romantic sparks (or at least none that I could see :), but I'm very bad at reading these signs), we were there for each other through some tough times (this type of life can get lonely and isolating) and I really do value our friendship as one of the closest in my life.

We last worked together and saw each other a few months ago, we've been in touch constantly since then. During that last period, my feelings for her became more romantic in nature, I started to see her in a different light, imagining a future together. I haven't acted on it so far, but the feeling is only getting stronger, even after a few months of only distance contact, texting etc., I can't stop thinking about her as more than a friend...

She recently got a higher level job in a regional humanitarian hub, so will probably be based there for some time (years); it's a very exciting opportunity and I'm very happy for her. Knowing her, she'll dedicate all the time and energy to making it work (it basically involves setting up a whole department from scratch). She invited me to visit as soon as it's feasible and she's settled in, so I'm hoping to do that in the coming months (I'm currently in another country, flight of a few hours away).

So I am now pondering what should I do ? These feelings are not going away it seems and I believe I need to be completely honest with her and tell her about it when I come visit (don't want to do it over text or phone).

I really do think we could have a future together, though relationships in our sector are not easy, lots of distance, travel, living in conflict areas etc., we have both seen examples of successful ones, but also more that ended badly and ruined friendships.
At the same time I would also not want to add more complications in her life just as she's starting this new job and will be focusing on it...

What would you do ? Or if you were in her situation, would you rather know or not about it if a close friend had these feelings for you ?

I agree waiting till you see her to ask her if she feels anything more than being just friends, tell her you think about her a lot and do wonder about a more romantic relationship. She may think it out of the question, but she may also feel the same, but you’ll never know unless you tell her. If you are such good friends, it shouldn’t damage your friendship.

@Mindymomo

exactly

I'd rather know and I'd prefer not hear the news face to face. Less pressure that way. Your friend may feel the same way or she may not. She may see you in a completely new light and feelings could come from that. Personally I find the 'Who Dares Wins' brave approach very attractive. If you've been friends for some time I think the friendship will be fine whatever the outcome.

I agree with @Mindymomo. Better to try than live with what ifs.

But then @erikbloodaxe makes a good point too. It's very easy to be faced with something unexpectedly and saying the wrong thing so maybe letting her have some time to think could be a good idea too.
Oh, it's so tricky.

For me, it's a bit strange that these feelings have developed when you're not in the same country as her. When you were staying in the same place, there was nothing, but now you never see each other, you've caught feelings. That's a bit odd and makes me wonder if you're being realistic.

It might be better to wait until you see each in person before revealing your thoughts. You might find that being in the same room will deflate these romantic feelings and that the spark still isn't there.

It's lovely to have a good friend, but a relationship needs that spark and so far there's no evidence that it's there between you

I've recently been in this situation! Good friend, part of a larger group, we all get together quite often although he lives a 4 hour drive from me. We all went on holiday earlier in the year and suddenly, on the last night, I looked at him and really fancied him. Got home and a few days later messaged him and told him that I'd felt something but maybe it was the sunshine, and what did he think? Thankfully he told me to get a grip and that our friendship was too important to spoil and he was looking for a girlfriend more local to him anyway. We are now good friends again and my feelings for him dissolved over a month or so.
Definitely tell her by text and be quite casual! And good luck 🤞

Thanks everyone for the replies !

@Mindymomo Yes, I also think our friendship can last after this, we're both pretty level headed and sensible most of the time. It would be awkward for a while probably, but we should be able to move on as friends

@erikbloodaxe Well, I've also been wondering about this, in case I go ahead with it, would a message/text beforehand work better, give her more time and headspace to think about it, without me there in person. We can talk about pretty much anything, except this so far, so there's no way of knowing for sure...

@beastlyslumber I would say the feelings started to develop while we were still working & living in the same place, earlier this year. Like taking that extra second to look at her, heart racing a bit when there's a message, is it from her ? And especially the sadness that we would soon be apart again.

It all sounds a bit like a teenage crush, I didn't say anything at the time, expecting it would go away once apart, except that it didn't, it got stronger over the past few months.

Best case scenario, then: She feels the same way and when you see each other, there's a definite spark/flirtatiousness/magnetism between you. Easy then to just let her know you like her.

But I would still wait until you see her before declaring feelings. You might not feel the same when you see her again, or it might be obvious that she doesn't feel that way about you. If it's not clear, then there's no harm in asking her, and giving her a bit of time to think about it.

Good luck! I hope it works out for you.

You can plan everything and never the unknown variable.

Let her know. You will kick yourself if someone else makes a move. May be she is interested in you but will get tired of waiting, and get swooped up by the next guy. May be she is not interested, in which case, you are both mature enough to be best friends.

Text her " I miss you in my life."

and wait for the response.

I'd prefer a message so I would have time to think properly rather than be put in a position that could possibly a) make me feel uncomfortable or b) do a happy dance (I'd rather do a happy dance without an audience .

I would send a lighthearted "flirty" txt just incase she doesn't feel the same you don't look so silly

My first thought was - You fly in to visit her as a guest in her home, tell her how you feel and then…. How awkward is that going to be if she doesn’t feel the same! I’ve clenched imagining it.

You’ve been communicating well from a distance, if you want to tell her face to face Skype or face time. If she feels the same your visit will be a lot of fun.

If you turn up with the news and it goes the other way the choices will be carrying on the visit with that elephant in the room or her having to ask you to leave.

If you turn up with the news and it goes the other way the choices will be carrying on the visit with that elephant in the room or her having to ask you to leave.

This.

Only way it could work is if you raise it shortly before you leave. Then at least there's a very limited period of awkwardness before you're leaving anyway.

I'm not even sure I'd advise someone is this position to go for a big declaration.

A YouTuber I watch calls it "vomiting your feelings all over them" lol.

A big declaration can create a lot of pressure even if it could go positively (i.e. they return some romantic feelings), it's very black & white, hit or miss, make a decision now type stuff. Many relationships don't start like that, they're not that pressured.

I would be inclined to flirt and see if there is reciprocation.

(If you need help with interpreting her responses, you could post here (as you sayd you're not great at that aspect).

The responses (polite brush off or reciprocation and encouragement) could tell you what you need to know without a big declaration that could, even with the best of intentions, damage your friendship (if she weren't to reciprocate your feelings).

You sound lovely by the way.

For me, it's a bit strange that these feelings have developed when you're not in the same country as her. When you were staying in the same place, there was nothing, but now you never see each other, you've caught feelings.

He didn't say there was nothing when they were in the same place.

And I've found plenty of people do intensify in their fledgling feelings for someone when they are separated. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

I definitely think you should tell her but I'd recommend doing it over message, although I know you said you'd rather not. Simply because it gives her time to process her response, as she might not have been thinking about you in the same way, but on further reflection realise she has "bigger" feelings than friendship too.

You could always make it quite a simple message, something along the lines of "I'm really happy about your new job, I can't wait to come and visit you. I've realised recently that I've developed feelings for you and I just wanted to let you know. We could talk about it more or leave it here, but I value our friendship regardless." I know that sounds a bit formal and clinical but obviously you'll have your own way of talking to each other!

Not to put a dampener on things but I have had a male friend tell me he has feelings for me and I felt a bit disappointed as I worried he'd only been investing in our friendship in the hope of having something more, so I'd reassure her you'd like to be friends regardless. Good luck with whatever you end up doing!

Are you getting any sense or vibes that she is interested romantically? What is your gut telling you? Your romantic feelings might be a response to something you are picking up on?

It's hard. I have male friends and there are a couple I think might have romantic feelings for me. I just sense something. I try to ignore it and enjoy the friendship but every so often it pops into my head. If they told me they did feel romantically towards me I would feel nervous, anxious, flattered and a little awkward. It's happened to me in the past and it probably did impact the friendship. But I have never felt angry or frustrated with them- I don't think. I guess I think it's a reasonable thing to do and if people don't take the risk then nothing would happen.

On the mechanism I think I would wait until face to face but not in the early days. Spend a few days enjoying her company, testing your feelings and maybe asking yourself is there a spark there.

If it was me I would rather have time to think so a message is what I would recommend. Not jokey either. I would I go and visit her and see how it goes. Then when you get home and feel the same way, send her a card thanking her . I would tell her how you feel then and ask her to respond when she’s had some time to reflect.

Well there are certainly a few things to think about, thanks again everyone !

I've always been a reflective nature, analyzing things over and over, sometimes too much : ). It has served me well in my current line of work for example, but not necessarily in love or relationships, I've been told a few times I lack spontaneity or need to make up my mind more quickly etc.

It's good to see that others also feel there could be different ways of approaching this. At the end of the day I know there's no perfect answer, whatever I will decide eventually, I'll just need to be kind (myself included), respectful for her and our shared experience so far, but also clear that I think we could have more together.

I do want to avoid making a grand scene or putting her on the spot, so indeed I'll see if there's an easier way into this.

@loveisinttheair Interesting text idea, it has the added bonus of being true :)

@LemonDrop22 Thanks for the kind words :) Yes, I'll definitely consider a more flirty vibe in our messages, and see what happens from there

@squashandrun Your last point is very important for me, I really don't want her to start believing that I was only a friend to get something more

@Jewel1968 No clear sense that she would be interested romantically, but like I said I am crap at seeing this. It could be that she's having the same feelings, just never showed them, but that it just wishful thinking probably.

Good luck Op, I hope you do tell her and it all goes well.

Just tell her.

" I miss you in my life. You mean so much to me."

Then sit back and see how she responds. She can read between the lines. At least you let her know.

Don't waste time for someone else to be romantically involved with her.

If she says no, your friendship will survive.

*Just tell her.

" I miss you in my life. You mean so much to me."*

I'd worry that's the kind of thing that works in films but could be a bit overwhelming, cheesy etc. in real life.

While certainly not wasting loads of time is important, I'm not sure such a big declaration out of the blue is a good idea.

It puts her in a very instant yes or no/all in or out position, with it being difficult to return to a platonic friendship if she doesn't return romantic feelings & intentions.

She's got a lot on her plate in her new posting by the sounds of it so the prospect of a big, all in romance that has to be something (with a broken hearted or potentially bitter op if it isn't) might make her baulk.

I'd probably flirt and be super affectionate etc on the run up to visiting her (see how that goes, you could perhaps move into some discussion about feelings if it goes very well. Just saying you miss her when you're not together is enough, it doesn't have to get some big "you complete me!!!!" thing) followed by being very flirtatious, affectionate and escalating to physical/romantic contact if she is receptive, while there.