Is something wrong with me?

[Rosaofthevalley]

I don’t really know why I’m bothering to write this. I think I just need some advice and preferably to tell me I’m not nuts, or maybe I really am.

My long term relationship has been a bit hit and miss for a while now. Sometimes it’s great and I feel like an idiot but often I’m just left feeling flat.

Our lives are fairly separate as he works away 2-3wks of every month and in that time I have my own life and although usually quite an extrovert I feel I’m fairly unattractive and not very independent, so am lacking in self confidence.

Just recently I feel battered (not physically). For example these are just conversations today;
He started talking about a certain area local to us, I said about somewhere we’d slept together and he got really moody with me saying it wasn’t him and he had a go about my previous partners. I have a very clear memory of this with him, I have no other previous partners in this area and had never been to that area. Now I’m second guessing my memory.
He asked about a certain event I’d written on the calendar yesterday and discussed with him. He says it’s the first he’s heard of it and I’m making it up.
I went for a bath and asked him to bring me up a glass of wine. Having finished my bath I went down and went to get a glass of wine. Apparently I told him I’d changed my mind and no longer wanted it.

This is constant and the problem is I’m really second guessing my memory. Is there something wrong with me? I had this all the time with my mother and I just can’t be made to think I’m crazy again. With my mum I ended up saving all messages and recording things to prove I hadn’t made things up. She still managed to persuade the rest of my family I’m nuts but I’ve saved everything, so in that instant I have proof should they ever wish to speak to me again.

But do I really just have a terrible memory? I don’t really know what to do, thank you if you read this far.

People bandy the term ‘gaslighting’ around a lot on here, but this actually is gaslighting. This man is horrible. LTB.

This is really horrible gaslighting. People who do the dangerous and you need to get away from him before you actually to go crazy. Once you are away, see a counsellor and talk through everything.

Unless there actually is something wrong with your memory, which seems very unlikely, then he is either deliberately gaslighting you, or his own memory is total crap AND he can't admit it's crap and deal with his own mistakes.

Best thing for you to do is talk to Women's Aid.

Maybe for your own peace of mind get some recording equipment in the room so you’ve got evidence for yourself?

Sounds like gaslighting for sure. My stepdaughter's mother does this to her all the time and it's crazy-making.

Nope! This is gaslighting! A form of emotional abuse and manipulation to make you feel like you’re going crazy! Next time he does it I’d tell him that he’s crazy if he cannot remember stuff you’ve said and walk away!

He doesnt sound very nice. From now on communicate by text message. Can't argue with that.

You need to end this relationship and it’s over anyway because of the gaslighting he is doing to you. This is not going to improve and I think he targeted you deliberately to abuse.

Subconsciously, you have chosen your mother.

The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there might be something wrong with you.

If you had faith in yourself and your memory, the only option left is that he's bullshitting you to the point that he's trying to make you think you have brain problems.

This is what's happened: your mum has trained you from birth to doubt your memory, even though there's nothing wrong with it. Now, if you meet someone who tells you you have a poor memory, you think they might be right. That's it. If you stop thinking that they might be right, your whole outlook changes.

Do you have problems with your memory in other relationships/friendships/situations? Or is it just with your mum and with him? Sometimes it can be easy to find the toxin by looking at when and where the symptoms occur. If you get belly ache every time you eat broccoli but not at any other time, you know it's the broccoli causing the problem, rather than you having a general belly-ache problem. If you get accused of memory issues only when you're with 2 people, then it's those 2 people causing the problem, and not you having a general memory problem.