Dealing with a girlfriend suffering from depression

[Tinpanalley78]

My girlfriend (40) suffers from depression and anxiety. She's on meds.
I (44) also have a bit of anxiety and have suffered panic attacks in social situations.
Yes, we're quite a match...

My girlfriend is divorced and has a daughter (13).
I have two daughters (10 and 12).
Our kids get along fine.

I have never suffered from depression. I like to think I somewhat understand how it chews at her thoughts, but I probably don't.
I've read a lot about it online, though.

On good days, she has a terrific sense of humor, is fun and very affectionate.
On bad days, she cries, regrets her failed marriage, snaps and curses at anything and everything.
The good days are usually when her daughter is there (every other week) and when we are just the two of us.
I get along great with her daughter and I often stay at their house.

But when her daughter leaves to go to her dad's home, things get very, very gloomy.

My daughters and I have a pretty good bond: We play and laugh a lot together.
I've invited my GF for dinner and for the night, but she is usually just distant and cold and sometimes downright mean to me and my daughters. I would like her to feel welcome and comfortable at my place but after a bit more than a year, it's simply not happening. In fact, it's making me (and my daughters, who are being very patient and understanding) feel awkward when she's around.

Sometimes she leaves in the middle of the evening, sobbing, and says she wants to be alone. I tell her I understand, that everything's ok, that if she wants to talk, I'm here for her.

I think I like being a bit of a caretaker for her, and I try to be rational about it, offering my help but knowing that her well-being is not my responsibility.

But it's taking its toll, and bringing out my own relationship anxieties.
These anxieties tell me I'd be better off without her, that she'll probably leave me anyway.

To be honest, time by myself feels like a battery recharge.

She wants our relationship to move forward, but I can't see that happening in the current state of things. My kids come first and I definitely don't want to inflict her mood swings on them.

Anyone have tips on dealing with a loved one suffering from depression ?

What is she doing about her depression? Has she been to the doctors?

This will sound heartless but I was once in a similar situation though with no kids and I ended the relationship.

In the end I had to ask myself if I wanted to be the “carer” for this person for the rest of my life for indefinite periods. I knew I wanted kids at some point so I asked myself if we had DC was I prepared to do everything for them when DP was in the midst of a depression; was I prepared to carry him while trying to be the sole parent to those theoretical DC; was I prepared for the potential hurt that having a parent with depression could cause them; was I prepared to suppress my wants and needs while he was in a relapse? And the answer was no.

You already have DC and it sounds like you are sometimes having to prioritise tiptoeing around your partner to keep things “ok” for your DC, but that they are still picking up on some sort of hostility from your partner.

Being brutally honest, I wouldn’t continue in the relationship.

Perhaps talk to her about seeing her doctor together. If she's already on meds, they might need adjusting.
I battled depression, about a decade ago now, and I had my ups and downs... but I was never rude to others, especially children! People with depression can control their emotions. They know what behaviours are acceptable, especially around children. I suspect she's just not able to hold it together when her daughter's away, which should tell you she's not thinking about your daughters or you. Have an honest conversation about how you're willing to help her, but be strong and explain it can't be at the expense of your daughter's happiness. Be a father first and a partner second. As a mother, she should understand that. Good luck.

Children of 10 and 12 should have to be patient with an adult who comes into their home and is ‘down right mean’ to them?

Stop subjecting your kids to this. It’s really unfair on them.

Ffs…should NOT have to be patient

Run

I'm all for being supportive but not at the risk of my own mental health. I'd bail. Being depressed is no reason to be mean to your daughters. Put yourself and your children first.

I’d personally leave her.

No way would I want any of that around my kids at all.

She is taking antidepressants. I once asked her if she would consider therapy. She says she tried but felt it was wasting her time.

I should clarify that "mean" is probably a harsh word for her behavior around me and the kids. She'll make off puting statements. Like if we're watching a movie my DC and I are enjoying, she'll say "this is so stupid" in the middle of the movie.
Or if we suggest playing a board game and ask her what she wants to play, she'll say "I don't care, juste decide already"...

I like to think it's her depression talking and not her. On good days, she is absolutely not like this. I really enjoy her company on those days.

It's a Dr Jekyll and Hyde situation.

I know that one of the symptoms of depression is pushing people away. Depression wants to isolate its victim.

I feel like she would not have this behavior if she wasn't mentally ill. I can't be angry at her for being Ill.

Depression is a very selfish illness, unfortunately. And it's difficult to see and understand that when you're in the midst of it. You can't cure her, only she can do that and it's a hard path and takes time.
You have two lovely daughters. If I were you, I'd walk away. And keep walking. Sorry.

Honestly you have gone from saying f your children are patient with her AND she is down right mean to ‘actually’ that’s a bit harsh.

a child having to be patient with their partner girlfriend aims one of the saddest things.

So either you came on here being really harsh (or making things up about your girlfriend) for people to jump on OR you are now back tracking once you realised it’s poor parenting to have someone like this around your children.

I think you need to decide. Is you girlfriend and arse who will end up negatively impacting your children and your relationship with your children. Or are you overly critical and enjoy people bashing her. Neither are a good sign for a relationship.

Tbf if a movie is stupid is it terribly wrong to say so? Also I fucking hate board games, the fact she is doing these things when she obviously doesn't like them, shows she does love you. Perhaps it's just a personality thing, if you think her not being pollyana about things she finds dull.

On good days, she likes board games. So it's not about liking board games or not, and yes, if you find a movie stupid, there's no problem in saying so, but this is not about not liking a movie.

I never asked for anyone to bash anyone!

My girlfriend has a mental disease. I want to learn how to support her while preserving my own health.

You are not her rehab, and your children certainly should not be expected to be. Its your responsibility as parent to ensure that they aren't put in this position.

Draw some boundaries if you want to continue the relationship. See her without your children, don't drag them through this. If you think you're finding this difficult imagine how they feel about it.

If she wants the relationship to move forward, let her know that will only be possible if she engages with therapy seriously and successfully.

Time to step back and put your children first.

*is mean

If you stay with her then keep her away from your kids. It sounds like her behaviour is noticed by them & your responsibility is towards them. She’s an adult.

Given your opening post it sounds like this relationship is on a road to nowhere. Whether to end it is up to you but do remove her from your kids time with you

On bad days, she cries, regrets her failed marriage, snaps and curses at anything and everything.
But when her daughter leaves to go to her dad's home, things get very, very gloomy.
I've invited my GF for dinner and for the night, but she is usually just distant and cold and sometimes downright mean to me and my daughters.
It's making me (and my daughters, who are being very patient and understanding) feel awkward when she's around.
Sometimes she leaves in the middle of the evening, sobbing, and says she wants to be alone.

You're very confusing. This seems a long way from saying a TV programme is stupid or not being bothered about which board game to play.

If the situation is your opening post, I'd leave her. Being nice when her child is there and when you two are alone, but not when your daughters are there, does not sound cool to me.

If it's the follow up posts, I'd tell her to get her shit together in front of my children because that doesn't sound like depressive behaviour. It sounds more like she's just being awkward.

But only you know which of these two descriptions are true.

It sounds a tricky situation. But I loathe board games with a passion..

You won't get support on here there's a weird attitude that unless someone is perfectly cheery and productive you should never put up with anything, nothing about the people you love is your problem at all and you should go no contact immediately

Tbh I think its really unhealthy, teaching kids that if someone is down or sad you should fuck them off instead of having a bit of flipping empathy. Obviously if someone is actually abusive then leave, but the bar for abusive on here seems to get lower all the time.

There's a vast difference between suffering from depression and being down or sad!

If your boyfriend of a year behaved like this with your children, would you stay?

On bad days, she cries, regrets her failed marriage, snaps and curses at anything and everything.
But when her daughter leaves to go to her dad's home, things get very, very gloomy.
I've invited my GF for dinner and for the night, but she is usually just distant and cold and sometimes downright mean to me and my daughters.
It's making me (and my daughters, who are being very patient and understanding) feel awkward when she's around.
Sometimes she leaves in the middle of the evening, sobbing, and says she wants to be alone.

Whatever the reasons why you've decided to post, ultimately you are questioning your future.

You only have to scour this board to see many people move too quick and find out he / she isn't who they thought they were. Far from ideal when kids are involved.

You seem to be trying to avoid making a decision that impacts on your girls (and hers).

All I can say is that you can leave a relationship for any reason you want. You've tried to make it work, not sure it is so if you want to walk away, that's your prerogative.

Why are you putting your dds through this? Keep your relationship away from your house.