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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I horrible?

23 replies

jellybeannn · 29/09/2022 16:25

Hi - NC as I know people on this app who know of previous name.

I feel so sick even writing this - please be gentle.

Been with partner for 7 years, one child (nearly 2 years) together and have been together since early 20s. We live (rent) together also.

Things had gone stale between us a while back. He's never been a very outgoing person which is fine, over time he's gone more in his shell. I have tried over and over again to make it work, I have supported him, drs appts about MH, he never follows through, I am the one who tries to organise date nights, sex life is non existent unless he's drunk and feels fruity. I've brought "outfits" to try and spice things up and been met with "im tried". I've asked him multiple times if he still finds me attractive and he is adamant he does. I ask him what he wants to do/eat/see at the cinema etc and I get "dunno" 99% of the time. I WFH, look after our toddler, keep on top of the house and also try to make time for myself and if he comes home and the house is untidy with toys or I haven't had a chance to wash up I just get moaned at about how the house is a sh*thole (even tho it's toys and bits the little one pulls out). Yet, he rarely does a tidy, leaves mess himself & I have to ask if he will do certain things. I get he works longer hours than me but I work hard too.
He did not want to go out and do activities with me (cinema, meals, bar etc) yet will happily go to the pub by himself and talk to random people? I just feel so bored and that makes me feel awful. I also have had a rough couple of years with mental health and suffered with PND, depression (since teen) and have been diagnosed with bipolar. I always continue to try and be my best self, always smile and make sure my little one doesn't see the sad side. I do all the play dates and kiddy days out (which I love) but if I don't do them they won't be done. He has only taken little one on a play date once.
I've told him multiple times I'm not happy, he barely shows me any affection or attention. I feel like we are together because of familiarity and comfort as it's been so many years and we've grown up together. Things pretty much started to change when I fell pregnant and since then just got worse. He's always so miserable and always moaning and nothing I seem to do makes him happy. I tell him that I don't feel intimately wanted by him and he's not sexually attracted to me and I get "show me your t'ts" which doesn't exactly get me going..
I once was in an argument with a friend and said friend called me a "C--t" to which my partner said nothing and didn't stick up for me at all.
Whenever I speak to partner and say that I don't think we are working and our spark has gone I am made to feel awful like I have ruined his life but I've tried so hard and it's driving me to despair. Am I being horrible? Am I the bad guy? I don't even feel myself or whether I'm coming or going anymore.

Thanks for reading if you got this far x

OP posts:

Surtsey · 29/09/2022 16:40

I am made to feel awful like I have ruined his life but I've tried so hard and it's driving me to despair.

You have tried everything. You're not the bad guy. He has checked out of family life. Sorry, but this relationship just doesn't seem worth saving, does it?

Rowen32 · 29/09/2022 16:44

Gosh, I thought all that was the build up to telling us you'd cheated - you are 100% not being horrible - break up with him

Discovereads · 29/09/2022 16:46

You’re not a horrible person, you’re forcing yourself to live a horrible life. There’s a difference. You can either insist on relationship counselling or you can call it quits. But you cannot let the status quo continue.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 29/09/2022 16:48

He can't be arsed. So why should you keep trying?

It's a pity but it's time you went on alone and eventually you will find someone who is really into you.

pilates · 29/09/2022 16:56

I thought at the end you was going to say you are having an affair - I wouldn’t blame you but I doubt you have the energy tbh. It sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse and I would think about separating. 💐

Notjusta · 29/09/2022 16:58

I was also waiting for the 'horrible' bit OP. I don't think you sound horrible at all. You sound worn down and like you don't feel very loved.

Wibbly1008 · 29/09/2022 16:59

Break this off. It’s time to save yourself - he cannot be helped and you will drown with him. Worst case is your child will grow up feeling this is normal and get into a similar relationship, please don’t let this happen and make positive changes now.

wackamole · 29/09/2022 17:01

He sounds awful, sorry. If you're WFH AND looking after a toddler all day and he's out at work only looking after himself, he should be giving you a break when he gets home, including spending time with his child and doing a regular share of the housework. Over the weekend/on his days off, too. As he recognises that the house is often messy or needs cleaned, you shouldn't have to be asking him to do specific chores at all. Perhaps he does have longer hours and a long commute, but figure out together what needs to be done and what each of you will do week by week and stick to it. Don;t let him make it your responsibility to dole out chores and nag when they don't get done; that's bullshit. (Also the "tits" thing is bleeech, even without the context of his being useless as a sexual partner. )

I'm struggling to see what you get out of this relationship. If you do end it, don't let him off the hook in terms of his responsibilities as a father, though - half the costs and work of raising your shared child are his whether the two of you are together or not, and it sounds like you can't trust him to act on that.

ForeverFailing · 29/09/2022 17:24

Leave now @jellybeannn, while your LO is still young. The longer you wait the harder it will be. Trust me, I could have written this myself and now, 20 years later with school age children, I am finding it impossible to cope. I should have left years ago but, like you, kept trying to make a happy home.
Do yourself and more importantly your LO a favour and leave. It doesn’t matter what he thinks because you will never be able to do right from wrong and it is going to seriously damage your own mental health further down the line.

layladomino · 29/09/2022 17:25

I'm shocked that you're thinking you might be the horrible one. He sounds vile. Selfish, lazy, won't look after his own health, no sex life, leaves everything to you, doesn't want to go out with you but will go out with other people, never affectionate, doesn't care that you aren't happy.

He is showing you literally zero signs that he loves you or respects you.

Why are you doing all the trying? All the looking after? All the worrying? All the running around?

And why is it you thinking you're horrible for not liking this awful life he creates for you?

He's the one who should feel bad. You're the one who should be running a mile so you can find a better life. Without him your life will be easier and happy. You won't regret it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2022 19:31

He's really headfucked you, for you to even consider that you might be horrible. You're not. You're a woman trying her best to keep her relationship going, but to be honest with you @jellybeannn, you're flogging a dead horse here. It's dead.

"He did not want to go out and do activities with me (cinema, meals, bar etc) yet will happily go to the pub by himself and talk to random people?"
This says to me that he has checked out of the relationship. And you've "told him multiple times I'm not happy", but nothing ever changes because (and I'm sorry to be so blunt) he doesn't care whether you're happy or not.

I think your mental health will improve if you stop carrying this dead weight. You deserve better than him, and you should move on from this relationship. It's dead.

Original poster

jellybeannn · 29/09/2022 23:03

Thank you everyone for such lovely and supportive responses ❤️
I know deep down what I've gotta do, it's just a hard situation because he's a great dad, he's not a bad guy, never once shouted at me etc and I do have love for him but I'm not in love anymore thank you all again xx

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 30/09/2022 00:33

I WFH, look after our toddler, keep on top of the house and also try to make time for myself and if he comes home and the house is untidy with toys or I haven't had a chance to wash up I just get moaned at about how the house is a shthole (even tho it's toys and bits the little one pulls out). Yet, he rarely does a tidy, leaves mess himself & I have to ask if he will do certain things. I get he works longer hours than me but I work hard too

I do all the play dates and kiddy days out (which I love) but if I don't do them they won't be done. He has only taken little one on a play date once.

He is NOT a "great dad" and it's scary you think he is.

You don't really, objectively believe he is a great dad, do you?

Monty27 · 30/09/2022 01:30

What's he contributed to be described as a great dad.
He doesn't deserve the honour of being a great partner nor dad.
I wouldn't be living with him.

Felixfeather223 · 30/09/2022 01:51

jellybeannn · 29/09/2022 23:03

@jellybeannn you don’t sound horrible at all! You sound way too nice to him to be honest. Not in love is one thing, it’s an important thing, but this man seems to actively put you down and make you unhappy. Life’s too short- take all the time you need to get your head around leaving him, but find a way to be free💐

Cakeycrumbz · 30/09/2022 07:06

Its time to end it. Things have not turned around for regardless. You deserve someone to pull you up and along too. I call these types life suckers. I was with a right life sucker in my last relationship. All was about his pains and past and mental health. He was a victim of life and he was boring.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2022 07:41

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment also when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Nothing at all from what you are writing and he will continue to drag both you and your child down with him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/09/2022 13:05

jellybeannn · 29/09/2022 23:03

Please, please, please - do not lie to yourself about him being a great dad, he's clearly not. Not only would a great dad model respect of and affection towards their child's mother (which he clearly doesn't) this would never be able to be said of a great dad -

"I do all the play dates and kiddy days out (which I love) but if I don't do them they won't be done. He has only taken little one on a play date once."

That is not a great dad, not by a long chalk. He's not a great dad. He's not a good dad. He's not even an adequate dad. He's just - there. And that's not enough.

The reason I ask you not to convince yourself about him being a great dad, is because if you do, it will affect the choices you will make for your and your child's future. If I was splitting from someone who really was a great dad to my child, I would move heaven and earth to ensure my child had access to their great dad, even at a cost to myself (e.g. missing them), because that is what's best for my child. With an inadequate dad, my focus would be on protecting my child from disappointment, not building up their hopes that this time, he'll turn up to see them / remember their birthday / do more than sit them in front of the TV whilst he plays with his phone. Different choices. So please, be truthful to yourself. He's a shit partner and a shit dad. Plan accordingly. ((hug))

CaptainMum · 30/09/2022 13:35

He's not a great dad. Don't insult great dads. He maybe talks to his toddler a bit and pushes a swing.

blockpavingismynightmare · 30/09/2022 13:40

Ho he is not a great dad and you do not have to feel grateful that he has never shouted at you. You are living a horrible life with a truly horrible person and it will never stop until you put an end to it for your own sake and those of your poor children who have to witness his miserable behaviour

Pinkbonbon · 30/09/2022 14:43

If that's a great dad then I'd hate to see a bad one xD

Give yourself permission to call it a day. You tried. But he never did. It's not up to you to 'fix' him. He's a grown man and he doesn't give a shit. There's no fixing that.

Time to go. Be free.

ThisWormHasTurned · 30/09/2022 18:56

I was in a similar position last year. I called it a day in the end. You can’t make it work with someone who has stopped trying and you’ll make yourself miserable in the process.
It’s not been easy separating, but honestly, odd wobbles about money aside, I feel like a weight has been lifted! We have managed to be amicable through the split but we are much happier apart. I did have individual counselling before I separated from my H. That was really helpful to understand what was going on, to have the confidence to go it alone and realise there wasn’t anything else I could do.
Good luck OP. You’re not a horrible person! Just someone who has run out of energy to fight I think.

WisherWood · 30/09/2022 19:14

He's not meaningfully any kind of dad at all, let alone a great one. And 'not shouting' is almost as low a bar as you can get. You can have kindness, love and support, none of which you're getting here.

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