OLD advice needed - not sure if to pursue further

[Jefferz54]

Hi, just looking for some general OLD advice….

I am late thirties and back to OLD after the COVID hiatus, and prior to that never had much luck with dates and OLD in general. My last relationship was about 10 years ago (and was not really serious); being lazy and general bad luck in dating had not really made me motivated to pursue a relationship.

Anyway, I am back to the drawing board, and have met a quite a nice guy on a site and have met him twice now. Unlike most of the guys I’ve come across on this app so far, he seems so far very genuine, really responsive to messages and actually nice and interesting (i.e. pursues his own interests, not lazy, or into the same old cliché activities). My only issue is that I don’t feel this instant ‘sexual attraction’ that most people would expect from the first few dates (which I thing is a weird concept anyway), and I just feel so stressed out by this pressure that if I meet him again I’m expected to do something (i.e. kiss) or after that third time give an answer whether I want to take this seriously or not. I have seen some past threads on this forum where a lot of people have said that not kissing by third date is almost like saying you don’t really like someone. Which I kid of think is unfair, as I do really think he is nice but it’s like my body does not want to give a verdict! If that makes sense. I tend to get this with most dates i've had in the past.

So I suppose what I’m asking if I should carry on meeting him and not feel the pressure to make it all serious (obviously being open to him how I feel) or whether this would almost be like stringing him along? The last thing I’d want to do is give that impression, as he’s quite a decent chap. It feels stupid to say 'oh i like you, but not that much yet...can we still meet up again?'.

Sorry if this seems like such a silly problem, I just hate the pressure of OLD and am thinking maybe it’s not for me at all.

Cheers

I’m hoping that there will be a more positive experience compared to mine OP.

I was in this exact situation, met a chap via OLD who was lovely, attractive and ticked all of the boxes but there was no chemistry from my side. I kept hoping that it would appear over time, it never did. After a night out he kissed me, I felt sick. Bloody chemistry!

It will depend on your personal preferences (and his, of course). I've discovered that I'm happier taking time to get to know someone as friends first for a good long time before taking things to a sexual/romantic level, and I was lucky enough to meet someone on OLD who is similar. I definitely didn't feel "chemistry" with him right off the bat, but what I did feel was "this person seems nice and I wouldn't mind getting to know him more." The attraction grew over time and it turns out we're very physically compatible, so it worked in my case (and we took months getting to know each other first!).

I realize that this presents a problem if you invest months of your time into a getting to know someone and then sex turns out to be a disappointment. Especially a problem if you want to have children and need to hustle things along. But snogging or having sex by date 3 isn't the only way to do things, even for some men.

good luck!

It could also be that you're out of practice..

This is the thing with OLD- the common expectation that everything will jump straight to romance and become physical. Go at a pace your comfortable with and don't be rushed along. It's perfectly sensible to build your foundations first and if he really is compatible he will understand. I'd say continue to reassure that you enjoy his company and hopefully the chemistry side of things will develop in good time- your time. We're all different and that's a good thing.

What are you expecting out of a potential future relationship?

Do you want to settle down (cohabit/marriage/children)? I think these desires can sometimes make us "hurry" up the process because we are effectively in a rush.

If that's not the case, there's nothing wrong wanting to take time to get to know someone at your pace

Just take it at the pace you feel comfortable with.

I met my DP on OLD and he was different to the other men I'd met. He was very respectful of me and how slow I wanted to take things - it wasn't discussed, he just waited for me to decide how I felt. There wasn't instant physical chemistry for me, but we had a great time together and were incredibly similar.
It took several dates before we kissed but it didn't take long after that for it to progress. We've been together around 4yrs and it's been 99% great, we get on well and there's never been so much as a hint of disagreement. It's so nice not having the drama that has come with other OLD time wasters, despite us going through much tougher times, including some personal problems, a house renovation and 2 pregnancies.

Thanks all for the replies, really appreciated!

I decided it would be worth meeting up with him again, however not sure if my reticence has put him off, as he hasn't replied...

The joys of OLD!

There’s a saying I heard years ago that men fall in love with the women they lust after, and women will fall in lust with the men they love.

I think that’s very true for some people. I have a low sex drive /sexual attraction. I never fancy any actors, celebrities, random guy. I can see that he’s good looking, but that’s it. But I can start to fancy someone I get to know well. I can get the ick very quickly.

Have a think about your past relationships, have you warmed up slowly to someone before?

yeah, that quote makes a lot of sense!

I am definitely on the warming up slowly side, and it can be a totally random reason why I find the person attractive. Sometimes their looks come into, sometimes not. I also don't find most 'handsome' celebrities attractive, even most of the good looking guys on these OLD apps.

I just feel like there's no way for me to get know anyone properly; guys write hardly anything on their profiles, trying to meet anyone in person in like getting blood from a stone, and then it all seems to be so rushed/boil down to sex/instant attraction.