Struggling to move on from past problems/behavior with parents

[FirstimePoster]

Hello all,
First time post so bare with me.

I'm gay. Moved overseas to "find myself", came out and ended up falling in love with a woman. We've been together for over 5 years now, I'm crazy happy (like a scene from a movie almost) and we're getting married next year. I didn't tell my parents for months when we first got together as they've been very homophobic all my life (making comments about gay people if they seen them on TV, would warn what would happen if one of their kids was gay, father openly says gay slurs, that type of thing) although I told my siblings and they were both lovely.

When I told them, it was hell. A terrible time. They didn't talk to me, tried to pressure me into breaking up with her, said horrible things about my DP (she was trying to "steal me" from them), and banned her from coming to one of my siblings weddings (!!).

After around a year of this, I was ready to cut them off completely but DP has lost a parent and told me that although it was hard, maybe we could find a path forward as she thought I would regret it. We even went to counselling as a couple to work through it so it wouldn't affect our relationship and I'm really proud of how we worked through it together and how supportive my DP has been (really, she didn't deserve any of this).

Now, the wedding. They have never, ever apologized for their actions but I guess you could say things have improved. They acknowledge my partner on Skype calls now and always ask when we are coming to visit etc. My mother has worked particularly hard to change her POV I think, wants to be involved with planning the wedding etc, but I think my father still secretly wishes our relationship was over.

But here's my problem. Something inside of me just hates them for how they treated me and DP for the first 2-3 years of our relationship. It took the shine off of it... we never got our "honeymoon" period, it was wracked with anxiety and hate. I am really struggling to move on and move past how badly they treated her. I don't want to dig up "past graves" as we are all trying to move past it, but I know it hurts DP that she never ever got an apology or acknowledgement of their behavior.

I guess I would just love some advice on how I can move forward?

Thanks all.

I am glad you have found happiness with your DP and your parents are making steps to be supportive and establish a relationship with both of you.

As a parent, my observation is that your parents might have had a harder time understanding your relationship because it developed when you were abroad and then presented to them fully formed (for want if another expression). They didn’t have the opportunity to see you grow and explore new relationships. Perhaps if you had been near home and could have taken them step by step with you, their acceptance would have developed alongside your relationship.
Despite their homophobia, they might have wanted to understand you and support you. They might have had no clue at all and now feel sad to realise they didn’t know you as they thought they did and they didn’t offer you the support most parents wish to give their children.
Unless you think your parents would ruin your wedding by doing anything other than joining the celebration and showering you both with good wishes, I think you and your DP would have a happier start to married life by being inclusive of all your family and leaving resentment behind.

Best wishes to you both, whatever you decide!

but DP has lost a parent and told me that although it was hard, maybe we could find a path forward as she thought I would regret it.

I think your DP was speaking from her own POV and I wonder if you’ve really had a chance to address how let down and angry you feel by your parents? Have you had any counselling on your own to process how you really feel in freedom, away from your DP? You’ll only move forward by feeling your feelings - however uncomfortable and messy it might be.

Your feelings don’t need to dictate your actions, but you’ll probably enjoy your wedding more if you can do it with people who will celebrate and support your relationship.

Thank you very much for your insight. I've genuinely never, ever thought about it from that point before, it's given me something to think about. Much appreciated and thank you for your kind wishes.

Great point. No, I've never had solo counselling about it but I'm open to it as I think it would definitely help. I do feel very let down by them, especially because they are genuinely (outside of this) great parents who would do anything for me/my siblings. We've always had a good relationship and I feel like this has ruined it and I've lost a lot of respect for them, which has been really painful. Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it very much.