Bisexuality and feeling like something is missing…

[FeelingInTheWrong]

I am a 40 year old woman, I’ve been married to a man for 13 years (together 15 years) and we have two children together aged 11 and 9.

I adore my husband, he’s the most amazing man and amazing father and I love him very much. He’d do anything for me and I know how lucky I am to have him.

But as a bisexual woman I just feel deep down that something is missing in my life. When I think about never kissing another woman again it makes me feel sad. I almost feel like that side of my sexuality isn’t being fulfilled…it’s like a large part of me is having to be suppressed, or denied or something.

I feel so guilty for saying this.

I don’t have any sexual/romantic feelings towards other men at all, I am 100% happy and satisfied with my husband and the idea of even kissing another man is just bizarre, it’s an incomprehensible notion. But like I said, I miss kissing women, and I miss feeling that spark and thrill I used to have when I was with a woman.

It’s like the part of me that is attracted to men is overflowing due to the love and fantastic life I have with my husband, but the part of me that is attracted to women is feeling very empty.

I hate saying it because of all the awful stereotypes about bisexual people “just being greedy” but it really does feel like a large part of me is screaming out for fulfilment but I know I will never have it.

Does anyone else have any similar feelings?

It's normal, yes. If you know you're not going to act on it though and you're happy with your dh, which it sounds like you are, then you need to accept that it's just one of those things that will rise and fall in your thoughts.

There is certainly an ugly stereotype of bisexuals never being satisfied in a monogamous relationship, as they'll always miss the gender they're not with. I guess there's some kind of logic in that and I say that as a bisexual woman, but you have to simplify it and accept the rules of monogamy are for all couples who choose to be faithful.

Is your dh aware of your feelings or at least aware of your sexuality?

I can relate to some of what you've said @FeelingInTheWrong althought I would say my curiosity came about in later life. I do agree with the horrible stereotypes, they aren't helpful at all.

Have you spoken to your husband about it? Is it just the physical aspect you're looking for or do you want more?

I know open relationships and enm are a contentious subject on here but it's worth considering if it's something you would both be comfortable with. It'll take a lot of discussion and trust before anything can happen but life is too short to have regrets too, that doesn't mean hurting people, it just has to be navigated the right way for you both. Happy to chat further, no judgement here.

I’m the same. Whilst I’m not married, in my previous relationships I’d always feel something missing. With a man I’d feel like I was missing a woman and the life that can bring, with a woman I’d miss the same. I’d never act on it but sometimes sitting in a restaurant or on holiday and you see the opposite of what you have - the feelings of lost youth appear.

It is the way we are wired I think. We are very lucky to be attracted to both sexes, but it can be a curse also. But like in any relationship it’s about compromise and choices. As we all know the grass is never greener.

I am also bisexual and married to a man. When I hang out with my exGF (now a friend), I do get wistful pangs. She’s married too, nothing will happen, but it’s there.

Does your DH know how you are feeling?

I am a man that’s been married to my lovely wife for 31 years. Early in the marriage, we came to terms with my bisexuality. In places like New Orleans and Las Vegas, we’d hire male escorts for threesomes. However, my wife didn’t seem happy but rather obligated for my sake so we stopped. Fast forward 20 years, the longing for male attention became so overwhelming that I sought relief on my own without consulting my wife. She found out as spouses often due and our relationship has been a struggle ever since. I feel like her insecurities will only allow me to seek fulfillment when it’s on her terms. So if she’s there looking all blah and judgey, it’s no fun but there is so much guilt associated with doing it on my on that it’s no fun either. I struggle with why she can’t understand my feelings of unfulfillment and I’m sad that I’ll never be able to kiss a hot guy again for as long as I’m married. 31 years ago when I got married, I just thought I could choose to be happily monogamous and that would be it. I never dreamed that I’d miss same-sex intimacy so much. I feel like keeping that part of my sexuality suppressed has suppressed all of my sexuality. I can’t figure out how to turn off one light bulb without making the whole room dimmer.