How long to wait for the joy to return?

[CatSatMat]

I’m reflecting on my current relationship. We’re nearing our 2 year anniversary and things aren’t as wonderful as they once were. But I’m well aware that initial sparks and passion and thinking the sun shines out of their arse can’t last forever! But he doesn’t bring me much joy anymore. In fact on reflection I think he makes my life harder and I walk around on egg shells.

He is perhaps a little down at the moment. I didn’t want to be that person who left him when he was down. It’s Work/money issues which he is now doing something about, so I am hopeful for improvements in his general mood. Because he can be quick to anger, and I worry that is a bad environment for my kids (5 & 9). He does show anger in front of them in a hot headed manner: road rage etc. and sometimes gets annoyed by them (food/mealtime issues with youngest). never violent. But he almost like a toddler having a tantrum himself: not learnt any self control.

I really really dislike arguing. Would chew off my own arm to avoid confrontation. He does get angry at me too. Usually because of thinly disguised jealousy. For instance usual flare up is about the fact that I have a good relationship with their father and will not have him criticising him. It was getting unbearable, but he has now stopped drinking so is not nearly as bigger problem.

So. I think he is making big changes to his life (work and drinking): which will hopefully change his general demeanour and attitude. And then life with him might get more positive again. So I’m still hanging on in there. How long to wait though? He is trading on past glories so to speak. It was beautiful. I think he gets a lot out of our relationship. Me? When we’ve got a child-free weekend we’re a-ok. But during the week when he’s tired, I’d almost prefer him not to be here so I can get on looking after my kids in peace.

For goodness sake get rid of him. Your children's childhoods and welfare are your problem, him and his work issues and money issues are not.
He is an adult and you are not responsible for him.
Don't slip into the role of being his mother.
It doesn't matter what his problems are, if he's causing a bad atmosphere in the home then he needs to go.
Any relationship can be wonderful at the beginning but if they are like this once the shine wears off they rarely live up to your expectations, I should know.
He should be contributing to half of the household bills, be an adult, communicate properly and not get angry and impatient all the time, be someone you can all look up to and admire.
You should be feeling this is somebody you can rely on.
Instead you are walking on eggshells as will your children be, he has tantrums, he doesn't bring you any joy, its been two years and he still doesn't have a proper job, he is jealous of your ex and he is/was a heavy drinker.
He doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.

P.S Men like this pick on single mums because they know they will get somewhere to live, money and someone to look after them. You can be sure they wouldn't date anyone in their own predicament.

Sorry who cares if it's a bad time for him? It's most definitely a bad time for your children - put them first.

I get that you hate confrontation and he's an angry man. So don't enter into 'why' discussions with him. Clearly state this isn't working for you, he needs to move out and your relationship is over. I know it's not that easy, but you don't owe him to listen to him abusing you. Try to detach from his moods - hus behaviour is not your responsibility

Thanks for all your replies. All your comments ring true. But it’s like I’m reading about someone else’s life. Not sure how i got here.
im going to keep reading the comments until it goes in that objectively this isn’t working for anyone (except maybe him). In fact, the fact I’m failing to act is actually meaning I’m failing in my role as mother. That realisation makes me feel sick tbh.

That is really useful advice thank you.

Good points re thinking about what Behaviours I am demonstrating to the kids. I do not want them turning out like him (or even me with the avoidance)

He used to be such a good influence. We all had a wonderful life together. It’s slowly changed to him being a bad influence on our lives. I’m not even sure how long ago this happened.

I had a step dad like this. He left when I was 9. I'm 58 now and it affected my life in so many ways. For the sake of your children get rid now.

He’s not changed. This is who he really is , he may have hides it before. No he’s not building up to abuse. It is abuse but to some extent you’re right. It will get worse.

look at WA resources, or call them. Don’t think it’s not bad enough, it is and they may be able to help you see what’s going on, and how to get out. Trying to work out why he is this way is pointless, he is. As is talking to him. You need a strategy to get him out so that you and your DC are free, and safe and able to be happy again. Good luck.

2 year anniversary? So he managed to hide his real self for what? A year??
Get rid

You can do this OP.
You dont need him.
And if he wanted you and your kids he wouldnt behave like this. Why would he behave in a way thats upsetting for you and the kids? He doesnt care whats best for them, whats a good example to set, or he wouldnt be doing this stuff. He should still be on his best behaviour at this point. He will survive without you, relationships break down all the time, he can get a job, a houseshare and leave. Any inconvenience he goes through is a result of his actions, not yours.
You can do this - dont let your kids grow up in this. He's showing you who he is, 2 years in when really he should be on his best behaviour. If this is his best, whats his worst going to be like.

Protect your kids, OP. Good luck.

He used to be such a good influence. We all had a wonderful life together. It’s slowly changed to him being a bad influence on our lives. I’m not even sure how long ago this happened.

It has only been 2 years OP. He can’t even hide his real self for 2 years. Which is good for you because you can sack him off before you’ve wasted more of your children’s precious childhood on him.

If you had been together 10 years, and he recently had a major bereavement or illness which made him snappy and depressed, maybe your comment would ring true. But there’s no slow change here- he has always been this way because he’s already like this early in the relationship. Bin him.

If you’re walking on eggshells around his temper tantrums I can only imagine how your young children must be feeling. And they have no choice but to tolerate it, no doubt becoming smaller and smaller, while you keep him in their home.

It’s unrealistic two years in to feel pure joy in a relationship and to fancy the pants off each other, how do you think people in stay relationships for decades happy and content?

It won’t be possible to feel any of that while you’re living with a bully.

Get him gone.

Men like this are all the same,.put on a good show until they get their feet under the table then before you know it they are taking over.
I am a single parent of 10 yrs and thank God everyday l never brought another man in, its a beautiful way to live when home is peaceful and calm, we are thriving. He sounds jealous of your kids l wouldn' t tolerate his behaviour , he is nothing but a negative influence, you need to get rid.

Nauseates me to read the constant threads on here about kids having a traumatic childhood inflicted on them just to facilitate a parents sex life. Women typing out paragraphs analysing her shit boyfriend, meanwhile kids continue being robbed of an actual childhood. I sadly know the lifelong damage childhood trauma causes. That should be your focus OP. Parenting kids exposed to domestic abuse, ACEs, what therapy you should be sorting, how to model bare minimum standards in adult relationships, how to not pick scum. Things like that.

His inability to house himself is not your kids problem. He can fuck off and tantrum at someone else, who gives a shit. Get him away from your kids, and if he acts up, have the police remove him.

2 years is nothing. Just walk away. Don't confront him if you don't want to confront, just make plans and move out.

I know that's easier said than done. But this just won't get any better.

Do you have any friends or family IRL you could turn to?

Could you please call Women's Aid, just to talk it over, at least?

I too absolutely HATE confrontation. My family didn't model disagreement well when I was growing up. But the thing is, if you have an emotionally healthy partner, talking about disagreements and difficult things won't be so hard and scary, because they will act like a reasonable adult.

You will be shocked and delighted by the difference.

If he thinks you seriously mean it about chucking him out he'll put on a whole new performance of love and care, ramping up to the next level (marriage, baby, major project you've been wanting for ages) but it is all bullshit. He will revert once you've invested in him again. Prepare yourself for this, and keep reminding yourself it's for your kids protection. Get him gone.

I do wonder why women feel the need to spend their lives trying to fix arseholes. We have got to move away from this thinking. You owe him nothing and your children everything.

And OP, please don't beat yourself up, these things take you by stealth. I think you have recognised that this is not healthy for you or your children. That's a good thing. Now you need to separate your wishful thinking about what he pretended to offer you and become detached. It will hurt for a while but there are no other options unless you want to continue allowing him to ruin your future.

You don’t say how long you have been together?

but he has issues with alcohol? You feel nervous about upsetting him and you are subsiding his career change

what happened that meant he had to change career? Don’t tell me he was down and depressed with his previous career and he came to the conclusion that a new career would stop him being unhappy? Or maybe he knew you were fed up so took the path of least resistance- retraining - so no work as such but still effort required (makes him look good I suppose)

please be careful about what type of relationship you are showing your lovely children. Do they like him? Is he kind to them? How do they feel about him?

What you accept, will continue.
Avoiding confrontation enables behaviour like this to become normal. You need to swallow the frog & tell him you're seriously considering ending it.

Fuck walking on eggshells. Seriously. Fuck. That. Shit. You are his equal & this is your life, how dare he make you timid with his moods.
I'm interested to know if he is able to keep his temper with others - at work, with family, his friends? If so, he doesn't have anger issues, he just knows he can behave like that with you.

Find your anger that he treats your kids this way & tell him he can go & be angry and miserable elsewhere.

When does the joy come back?????
At just 2 years in, it should still be there !

I'm almost 3 years in to my relationship with DP and I absolutely adore him. He's incredible. I left an awful relationship where I walked out eggshells, felt taken for granted etc. This is nothing like that.

Get out ! I'm 47, if I can , you can