Three years down the line and still miss my ex husband...

[ChrisTrepidation]

DH left me and our two very young DC nearly three years ago. He has now moved away and has no contact with us save the very occasional text message.

I've had hours and hours of therapy, tried so hard to get on with my life but I still miss him so much. I feel robbed of the family life we should have had and I'm so horrible lonely. At the minute I just sit and cry once the DC are in bed.

Surely after so long I should be feeling better than this? He left at Christmas as well so the closer it gets to that time of year the worst I feel. I honestly feel like I will never get over the trauma. I see other people moving on, having relationships etc. and I don't understand how the do it.

I think I'm irreparably broken and I'm only in my early 40s...

You're still grieving- for the life you expected not for him.

I know it's hard with young children but do you have a job/social life/hobbies? I know it's cliche but the best way to get over someone is sometimes to get under someone else. You're well overdue a rebound fling! You've still got such a long life ahead you deserve to be happy

@over2021 I honestly don't want a rebound fling! People say that to me but the thought makes me ill. I actually have a man I find attractive showing interest atm but it's very much in a 'just up for some fun way' Whereas if I was going to go there I would want it to be with someone who actually wants to date me properly and get to know me. I have so much anger towards men in general and no amount of therapy is shifting it.

I do work but it's not a particularly fulfilling job. I have a hobby/passion that takes up much of my spare time. I'm definitely not sitting at home with nothing to do. I do have friends but I usually just see people during the day. I'm at home with DC once the evening comes and it's so lonely once they are in bed.

You're totally correct in saying I'm grieving for the life I expected and not him. If he was here I'd probably want to throw him out of the window within an hour! It's just the horrible feeling of my life not being where I want to be and the fear that I'll be alone and mentally stuck like this forever.

What an absolute shit he is. Get angry and get CMS involved if he's not supportive of the children.

I think you need to channel your inner anger. It sounds a bit like you still idolise him, and that is a bit hard to understand when he obviously left you, and your children. Is he non-contact with them? It's one thing to leave a partner you no longer love, but if he is non-contact with his kids, then he is hardly a prince amongst men.

You need to give yourself permission to be angry with him, to reframe him in a negative light, to move on, and if you want to, to try and find another partner.

Oh I am angry believe me. I've spent three years eaten up by anger. I'm sick of being angry.

I don't idolise him at all. I know he's a weak, cowardly person who is only capable of letting me down. Yet I still miss him. Its a horrible contradiction which I can't even explain to myself.

He does pay CM. That's the only good thing I can say about him. To be fair it was me who prevented him seeing the DC originally. He was very mentally unstable before he left and I also found out things about his past which made me fear for DC safety around him. I did say he could arrange to see them in a contact centre but he never bothered.

I don't think I really want about partner. I'm horribly lonely but I can't imagine ever trusting another man again. I was always someone who really believed in true love and my ex had taken that belief away from me.

I know I just have to learn live with it. It's just so hard :(

It also makes me so sad that my wonderful DC have no father. I see my friends husbands and partners with their DC and feel heartbroken that mine don't have that.

I can only go from my experiences, but for me having a casual FWB type set up helped me no end!! You don’t have to get into the whole trusting them thing, just hang out with them when you’re feeling lonely. If you were one of my friends, I would be telling you to go for the casual set up with the guy you find attractive.

@Theonlywayisup1 I really don't want a FWB. I have no interest in casual sex with men anymore. I did it when I was younger but in my experience these situations always end up weighted in the man's favour. If a man doesn't want to invest in actually getting to know me as a person that I'd rather not bother.

Everything men say and do just triggers my anger anyway. Maybe I don't even really know what I want anymore. I just feel lost and sad.

@ChrisTrepidation

i think you are being very strong. Looking after your kids is number one and don’t be so hard on yourself.

if you can’t go out doing hobbies as have to stay in for kids are there not friends you can talk or chat too.

pm me if you want to chat on line

most of all the pain will go and everyday you are making progress.

C

If he has no contact now then you haven't lost anything. You never had it in the first place.

I know it's easy to say but there will be someone come along that will make you happy again. It's senseless to let the past ruin your future. ----

I could have wrote a very similar post, my ex broke up with me nearly 6 years ago and I still feel angry bitter and sad about it, it hasn’t got better despite what people say it just hasn’t, I still feel mad he walked away, he hasn’t bothered with them much since and now hasn’t seen them in 2 years, I’m sad as I never wanted to be a lone parent, I see families and couples and feel jealous and it just hasn’t got any better, fwb would be the last thing on my mind I’ve had them in the past when younger but they always made me feel rubbish about myself so I’ve not been with another man since which hasn’t helped in its own way as I haven’t “moved on”

Only you can decide to move on, don't waste another three years of your life staying stuck. He's gone, nothing can change that and while you're buy being sad, opportunities of happiness are passing you by.

@Worriedaboutethics Thank you. You are very kind :)

Everyone thinks I'm so strong and level headed but inside I feel a total mess!

@SpinningFloppa I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation. I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can really appreciate the depths of bitterness and rage you end up feeling. I genuinely feel like my husbands betrayal has altered my brain chemistry. I'll never be the person I was before again.

@AgentJohnson To the outside world it probably looks like I have moved on. I'm getting on with my life.
If a genuine opportunity for happiness offered itself I like to think I wouldn't let it pass me by. Sadly that opportunity hasn't occurred and there's no guarantee it ever will.

How are your dcs coping without their dad being in regular contact? Or is it their norm now?

Thank goodness they have you.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp They don't remember him at all. They were both very little when he left. They've never even asked where their daddy is, which always surprises me! They are very happy and well adjusted. They don't seem to feel the lack of a father at all yet, it's me that feels it for them!

I'm nearly a year on from mine leaving me for one of our customers. I feel exactly the same I just miss him so much I am very angry and want to hate him (I should he's treated me like utter crap) but I just can't. I've had therapy but don't think I'll ever trust anyone again I trusted him a 110% and it still seems unthinkable that he's done this. We've no kids involved thankfully. I still have to see mine as we have businesses together that need sorting out and it actually makes it worse not better he's super nice to me and it makes me miss what we had more than ever. I could do with him reminding me of his shitty side which seems a strange thing to wish for. I've got on with rebuilding my life and in a lot of ways it's better as he was quite controlling and now I've got my freedom and a job I love but I still miss him terribly. Everyone tells me to find someone else but I just am not attracted to anyone else and it wouldn't be fair to involve someone in this mess. I spent the last few years of my marriage desperately wanting more sex and now I'm free to go and find it I can't think of anything worse I only want him. I read somewhere that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over it we were together 17 years so only another 7 or so years to go!

Sorry for rambling on but just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling like this. My friends don't get it they think I should hate him and move onto the next one but it's not as simple as that!

My STBEXH left only recent without warning - 3 young children - 2 only 1 year old twins. I feel very much the same OP. I'm late 30s and feel too young to be single but too old to date. I can't imagine bringing another man around my children so that means I'm faced with living on my own for many years. I'm scared by it all by the future and grieve for what was supposed to be. I don't miss him but I miss not feeling so alone

I know it's different but 6 months ago I realised I was with a personality disordered type man. He was very good and throwing me all this love and attention then he'd time it right down. He'd go quiet. Then when I questioned him he would punish me with anger or silence. Then he'd let me back but yelled what I did wrong. I was left scratching my head and confused. This gradually escalated into him taking all my savings. Contacting his ex behind my back. Other women talking to him. There was likely alot I didn't know. I was in this never ending cycle of stress and anxiety. I was forever watching him active on messenger and eventually I checked his phone once which showed me all I needed to know. I had got used to being thrown out his flat at all times of the day or night. It was awful. Eventually I just yelled I was done. He blocked me everywhere.

For 6 months now I've gone through every emotion going. I've ruminated. I've cried. My hearts ached for him. For answers. I've wanted my money back. I've desperately searched and pieced together everything. I am still troubled by him. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.but I'm at peace now in many ways. I have a way to go.

You are normal. But I wonder what you have done so far?
I had a few sessions with a therapist. I began writing it down in an email account like a diary!
I educated myself on abuse in my case and watched videos to understand patterns etc
I watched videos to understand why I was still struggling and stuck.

I guess it's the lack of closure.

I now spend more time with my kids and friends. I live more for me.
I discovered I love walking in the forest!

I have made peace with being single. Which is hard! But me and my friends all seem miserable when it comes to the male species so maybe we don't need them..

Loneliness is hard. I just really wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this feeling. You are stuck somewhere and that's normal. X

He was very mentally unstable before he left and I also found out things about his past which made me fear for DC safety around him. I did say he could arrange to see them in a contact centre but he never bothered.

You've mentioned it makes you feel bad to see other kids having their Dads, bit the above suggests it much better for them that they don't.

Added to you saying that don't miss him, are happy and well adjusted.

It seems they are better off without him.

The fear for their safety thing sounds worrying. Maybe he himself knows he shouldn't be around them.

It's also imho very wise and string of you not to get into sexual relationships that you know aren't really what you want.

You will meet someone who's interested in an actual relationship if you want sooner or later, it's a numbers game.

It's just the horrible feeling of my life not being where I want to be

But where you want to be is 'happy'. It's not about what you have or don't have. It's not about what someone else offers you.

What makes you happy? What makes you feel fulfilled, accomplished, proud of yourself, worthy?

OP I feel exactly how you describe in your posts…. how are you now?

OP I felt like you I am almost 2 years on and to be honest the thing that has helped me cope is taking happy pills, they give me clarity, keep me strong and stop me from crying