Do I have unreasonable expectations?

[WhoKnew2]

Could I ask for some advice please?

I've been married to DH for 19 years, 2 DC (15 and 12), and I am not sure if my expectations are wrong, need to check if it's me as I have no one to talk to about this in real life. My parents are elderly and worry terribly about everything, and my friends think DH is wonderful (high earner and does a lot of work in the community), so I have no one objective to ask.

DH works very, very long hours and is often away. This means that I have essentially been a single parent (during the week at least). The maximum he will do in any week is 2 drops at the bus stop and 2 pickups from school, but this would be unusual. I organise all hobbies, school stuff, clothes, shopping, cooking, laundry dog etc etc etc. This is on top of working full time myself in a very demanding job. I do have a cleaner who comes in once a week which helps a lot though.

In addition to his long hours working, he also volunteers in a community sports organisation and is out at least one night a week and very often for at least half a day at the weekend. At certain times of the year this ramps up and he can be out or working on things most evenings and even more of the weekends.

I feel very neglected, if that makes sense? He definitely doesn't appreciate how hard things are at home and doesn't really engage with the hard graft of family life.

I am quite tearful today as I am not well and we had an argument last night. I have caught the lurgy from him, and he wouldn't leave his hobby early last night to pick the DC up from their activity to allow me to go to bed. Last week when he was ill himself I did everything.

I feel really sad, he never, ever puts me first. I feel like I am not even on his list of priorities. I don't know if this is normal though or if I am asking too much?

I did pick up a hobby myself earlier this year which takes me out of the house for a couple of hours a week. I love it and it has helped hold the bitterness back a bit.

No you’re not asking too much.

If you both work full time then why are you doing all the domestic stuff? That is unfair to start with. If he’d been doing his share he wouldn’t have time for the sports volunteering.

As for refusing to come home when you’re ill… just shitty.

I think he is taking you for granted, you’ve always coped without him so he’s got out of the habit of considering you as someone who might need him sometimes.

I’m sorry I don’t know how to fix it but I think you should be very clear with him how you feel. Also in your shoes I would be saying that the domestic stuff is now being redistributed, here is his list.

Well if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I can relate to this too and you don’t want to feel this way (which then affects the bedroom dept, causing other issues) but you can’t help it.

sounds like you have put up with it for some time, so maybe he just needs to know all this. If you haven’t queried the situation before then he will think everything is fine/carry on.

Time for a sit down chat. I often think that my DH would only know how much I deal with if I wasn’t there, as he just doesn’t see a lot of the graft I do and of course I don’t go bleating about it (unlike him who needs to tell me when he’s cleared up 🙄).

I have told him this but I guess as he doesn’t see the things I do, it’s hard to grasp.

I would emphasise your feelings to him as you have put here. Otherwise resentment sets in.

You are doing so so much. Especially if your teenagers extra curricular are many.
If he is earning so well, and with the age of your teenagers, I think you should be taking up far far more hobbies. Cleaner more than once a week too.

What positive things does he bring to your life apart from money? Is it nothing? Of course it's not normal for a partner to treat you with contempt. I guess he sees you as a useful appliance to have in the home to look after the house and the children whilst he shows the outside world what a great chap he is.

No YANBU you deserve to be looked after and cared for.

He's being very selfish! His ego and appearances of being a good man seem to matter more than actually being a good husband and Dad.

It sounds like the balance is all wrong, and your feelings are totally valid. He needs to step up with the mental load at home. This doesn't mean waiting for you to ask him to do stuff, it's him taking on his fair share of activities, and getting them done in full:

• Conception
• Planning
• Execution

That takes it off your plate, helps him realise and acknowledge what you've been doing, and hopefully will start to feel like you're both working together in parenting and managing a house.

In terms of your relationship, it sounds lonely. I think you need to talk to him about wanting to do things together, whatever is fun for you both. Making time for each other is so important, and you need to feel like his wife, not his mum/ house keeper!

You are expecting far too little! He's not a partner in any sense of the word. In fact he sounds completely disposable. And completely selfish.

YANBU he shouldn't be doing hobbies/community work when his family need him at home

I'd think about whether you want to be with him, tbh. What would separation look like? You both work full time, so the work at home (chores, children, dog, cooking, cleaning etc), should be split 50/50. It's as simple as that. He is not only dumping the majority of it on you, but he does it without your consent and doesn't thank you for it. In your shoes, I'd be very tempted to book a week away and let him do it all for that week. It will give you time to think, and might make him realise how much you do. I have a feeling that nothing will change unless you threaten to leave him - he needs a rocket up his arse.

It sounds like you need to be very clear about what you need from him, which for me at a minimum would be half of the grunt work involved in running a family and a home where both parents work full time.

It's all very well being the big man out in the community and having everyone think he's a fabulous husband, but the only person that actually needs to think that is you. He's not pulling his weight and fulfilling his role as your partner currently, you need to get very clear on what you need from him going forward and be prepared to stick to it.

Relationship*

But not particularly specialised in how social media works unfortunately.

OP your post virtually describes my previous marriage. I have 2 kids, a stressful job and basically did ALL the life admin - all the bills etc, laundry, cooking, sorting out anything the kids needed. I thought I was a good wife and sort of got on with it as husband worked very long hours in a stress job. I even organised and paid for our family holidays and booked any meals we had as a couple (which was basically just our birthday and anniversary).

So last November when HE ended the marriage I was shocked. I kept expecting things to get better, that his work would become less stressful and they didn’t. I felt under appreciated and taken for granted and this must have impacted our relationship.

we are now going through a divorce. I can’t believe I let him get away with so much for so long. He actually said the reason he never took me out was because he didn’t enjoy spending time with me.

so i’m unsure this is helpful or not? But it’s an example of things not getting any better.
he can now take care of himself. I took my kids on holiday on my own this summer and am looking forward to not having to look after a grown man anymore.

Maybe not the answer you're looking for, and I do agree that this is not good enough, but tbh this would be almost a dream for me! I too have felt like a single parent for years, and dh works long hours, but without the benefit of a good salary. I work 30 hours and earn more than he does working 50+. But because I work less, I feel obliged to do more (i.e. all) of the housework, and also end up with all of the responsibility for the kids. He's only ever picked them up from school when I've been in hospital. He goes out on evenings or weekends a lot, but for his own entertainment, not volunteering or anything useful. I started a hobby to take some time for myself, he then told me off for not inviting him to join in, so i now I feel selfish for doing that. Last saturday morning he came to a school thing like some kind of hero dad (does f* all with the kids most of the time) and then sat on the sofa the rest of the day as if he'd earned a nice relaxing day, while I spent two hours scrubbing the kitchen floor tiles which were mostly covered in his coffee granules...... So no, you do not have unreasonable expectations, you're meant to be in an equal partnership and you need to tell him that you expect and deserve more. But, and yes I am completely hijacking your post here, sorry, it makes me realise how low my own bar is. The shit we women put up with is astonishing when you see it written down. Tell him, OP

And it's entirely your choice if you put up with it or do something about it @Sadgirlonatrain