Toxic mum

[Meklk]

Hi,
I am looking for any advice.
My parents divorced when I was 15. I was staying with my mum two more years until Uni. It was a nightmare. My mum had really bad moments and she didn't seek any medical help. She constantly blamed me for her "bad life", screamed, etc. She had lots of boyfriends who used to come to our flat. So you can imagine, I was feeling like I shouldn't be there and disturb her. I was completely exhausted and felt much better when moved out to study.
Things get better later when I used to see her only once /twice per month. 2012 I moved to UK. I was still visiting her every time I used to come back home. We had some issues too - she didn't like my husband, she thought I shouldn't have kids at 29, etc.
Recently she got worse and we had massive fights over the phone regarding some moments in the past (divorce related) and religion (she is fanatic and I don't believe in any God or any religion). Since that divorce I know my mum is not mentally stable anymore, so I always trying to change the topic of conversation to avoid any drama.
She blocked me everywhere - Facebook, WhatsApp, phone, etc. It's her birthday today and I sent her flowers which she refused.... I just received a call from flower company.
And - I'M PREGNANT. I'm feeling so upset that this moment in my life I can't have my mum at least available on the phone. I thought I will reveal pregnancy news on her birthday but I can't do it - she blocked me and my husband everywhere. And now I'm really not sure if I should do it. We have holidays planned in the end of October, flying back home.
Should I try one more time to reach her? I'm scattered, I was crying all morning. I am mum already and I can't understand how you can hate your kids....
Any advice welcome, thank you

Very sorry that this is happening to you OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
You can’t change her, if it’s a mental health issue then you can’t force her to get help, if it’s part of her personality again you can’t change her.
You still stuck back in that cycle of abuse. There is no action you can take here that will make things better between you both. OP in all honesty I would work on myself in this situation and deal with all the past hurt. Once I dealt with the past hurt then I found the new stuff rarely upsets me anymore. I can recognise that I was the child and wasn’t the cause of what happened. There was an adult there whose job it was to protect me and love me and that adult for whatever reason wasn’t able to do it. My mother will never be able to acknowledge her failings to me and change.
Enjoy your husband and children OP they are you family now.

I would not try with your mother any longer as she has and continues to put her own self and self interest ahead of you.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed. She does not want to seek the necessary help and it’s not your fault she is the ways she is. You were never to blame for her bad life, that is purely on her and the choices she herself made freely. You were also but a child at the time too. Let go of any and all hope that your mother will change.

Concentrate instead on your family unit which will now also consist of your child and be the mother to that person that your mother has never been to you. Reading “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward could help you.

Thank you, I think it would be little bit easier if I wouldn't be pregnant as I'm very emotional these days. I am expecting a girl so every single day I'm thinking how to be a better mum for her. My husband suggested to cancel these holidays and better go somewhere to UK for a few days. I think it might be good advice too. To be honest - I am scared to meet her. My pregnancy is visible and I'm pretty sure she will say that I'm an idiot to be pregnant with second one. We are from very small village in our country so she'll definitely see me if I'll be back.....

I think your husband is right forget about going back to your home place for now.
I think when you have had the kind of childhood you have had and then are pregnant this can definitely trigger some of the past to come back. Then on top of that you expecting a girl so you also have the mother-daughter relationship dynamic thrown in on top of that. What your feeling is very understandable given what you have been through.
This may sound very harsh but she will never be the mother you need or deserve. You can be the mother your children need and deserve though.

Thank you for your advice. I think I just need a few days to calm down. It's very hurtful, lady from flower company was so confused, she said my mum was screaming and smashed bouquet on the floor. I can't imagine doing that even when receiving flowers from my biggest enemy - you could simply say "I'm sorry, I can't except these flowers".
My brains are boiling today, I think I need to do spring clean in our house to be distracted from everything.

Being mother for a girl makes me anxious at the moment. I simply scared to be a mother like my mother was. I don't want her to feel the same like I'm feeling today, I don't want her to be scared to tell me she's pregnant. My friends keep saying that I'm perfect mum for my son but I still looking for my "mistakes".
I think I might need help too. Can I mention it to midwife or I need to book appointment for a GP?

No harm in mentioning to Midwife and see what they suggest. It’s very important to look after your mental health during pregnancy.
When I was pregnant with my first I was freaking out about what kind of parent I would be and someone said to me that I was worrying because my priorities in life had changed I was thinking with a mindset of putting the baby and their needs first. If I was going to repeat my mothers mistakes I wouldn’t be thinking or worrying from the babies perspective at all. When I read your last post it sounds to me like your a mother who wants her baby girl to have a better life then you had. Her happiness matters to you.

It was like I was reading my own story! Very similar!

Fast forward 30 years since I moved to the UK to be as far away from my mum as possible. I forgave her numerous times despite her being constantly alternating between being vile and ok-ish. People like them are narcissistic and manipulative - run, run as far away as you can and do not come back to see her.

I am now faced with the prospect of looking after her in her old age and came back home to sort a few things for her and she is as horrible to me as ever, snapping, gaslighting, being emotionally abusive.

My culture does not approve of me putting her in a home, but I am seriously scared and considering a career as the abuse is relentless.

So, run, as far away from her as possible and severe all contacts.

You will be a brilliant mum. I am nothing like her with my two children.

Toxic parents do not change.

Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I'm from Eastern Europe and it's the same - shame to put parents at care home, even private - where they have spa and nights out every weekend. But I could never take care of my mum, I mean to live with her or stay most of the day. Honestly, I would be in Mental health clinic after first week. Even thinking that I should spend couple of hours reminds me all that s*it she did.
I spoke with my aunt yesterday (her sister), we have very good relationship. And she said she is scared to meet my mum. So it's not only me. She is attacking more people around her....

Fuck her. I had one of these too. She will try to “win” the affection of the child and tell her poison about you if you let her be involved. She might also try to indoctrinate child into her religion. I would advise no contact for the sake of your child. It’s hard to go it alone but harder with someone like that dragging you down all the time and undermining you.
@Kol8aska516 from experience of caring for mine then going no contact, these people will always find someone else to lure in who will fall for their injured puppy act and care for them. It doesn’t have to be you. I know it is hard but don’t feel shame for letting her sort herself out.

@Meklk - omg! I think we are twins - I also have an aunt who I love and have good relationship with! She has not spoken to my mum for 7 years as mum had a terrible row with her over something trivial!

I am also from EE.

I am at my mum's house now for less than a week and I am scared, hurt, walking on eggshells and being gaslighted at. Not sure how it will pan out long term. I am ere to make her comfortable and then will run back home to my lovely family, loving husband and my amazing kids. That's what keeping me sane here!

Stay strong!

PS there is Stately Homes thread on MN for people with our experiences. I will drop a link here

@PeekabooAtTheZoo thank you! You are spot on! It is a great to have support and understanding on these issues! And a relief to know that I do not have to do it all!