I'm not a single parent but may as well be.

[lost443]

DS is 12 months. I work part time 2 evenings a week, his dad full time Monday-Friday. DS has always been an awful sleeper. He's breastfed and therefore I've never ever had a night off. DP sleeps through the waking.
I'm just livid tbh. Last night was my first night out since he's been born. Since before I was pregnant even. It was a civilised meal in the nearest city with my work friends. I warned DP that DS hasn't been happy today- and he's cried a lot of the day (teething). I put the baby to bed and went out. Within 3 hours I had texts saying it's been 45 minutes of the baby crying and he's having a breakdown and I need to come home. He's also done this whilst I've been at work multiple times. The baby is crying- babies cry. Cuddles, calpol, teething granuals, all settle him off he's patient. He's been on nursing strike for a few days now so there's nothing I can do. Obviously when DS woke up at 6 this morning I got up. Despite waking up numerous times for feeds. DP is still in bed. He starts work at 9. He will get in from work at 6 and then baby is in bed at 7/7:30. It's a joke. He even had the cheek to have a go at me at the weekend for not tidying up enough. I can't leave as we private rent and I have no real income. Before the 'why have a baby with this man' comments come along, I obviously didn't expect this. I feel like a single mum but with him there just watching me struggle. I have no family nearby, I have 1 friend. I'm exhausted. I don't want to do this alone anymore.

You need to talk to him - ask what he would do if you demanded that he return home from work or for a night out because you couldn't settle the baby! How he would cope if he hadn't had a night of undisturbed sleep for over a year!

He's not more your baby than his. The only thing he can't do is breastfeed, but at 12 months it'll soon be time to phase out night feeds, really.

Is it your DP who looks after DS while you work?

(PS comparing oneself to a single parent when one can rely on the financial and practical support of a partner never ends well. I hope you have a tin hat handy!)

If you put your DS to bed every night and you knew he wasn't well it's almost 100% guaranteed that he wouldn't settle for your partner. What were you expecting?

Not saying you shouldn't go out of course you should but its no shock that your child was upset and looking for you for comfort.

I would start by getting your partner to put your DS to bed. Get them into a routine.
Your DS is over a year, can you switch to bottles?

(PS comparing oneself to a single parent when one can rely on the financial and practical support of a partner never ends well. I hope you have a tin hat handy!)

Yeah, this. You're not a single mum, you're in a relationship with a man who isn't pulling his weight, who you rely on financially. Time for a conversation about responsibilities, splitting up the household and kid duties, and getting a job with more hours op. Share some of the load, and get yourself in a better financial position.

'Single mum' 😂

This.

Choose the words more carefully op

Sorry for the poor choice of words, I never meant to offend and understand that having him support us financially makes things very different.

But taking on the entire parenting alone whilst watching the other parent live life as normal, and rely on me for absolutely everything, in the same household is a struggle.

It's not a poor choice of words ffs. I've been a lone parent for 13yrs and get where the OP is coming from.

My XP was like yours, he checked out of family life. It was like carrying a dead weight.

I've been a single mum and I've been married to a deadweight partner, I choose single mum every time.

OP, people will criticise you for a poor choice of words but the fact of the matter is that you're experiencing something really shit and should be able to depend on your baby's father for support. But you can't!

I understand what the OP is saying about feeling like a single parent. It's the first words that comes to mind when doing things on your own (ie taking care of kids on your own). You don't automatically think about the financial side of it. So I don't get the poor choice of words comments but that's besides the point. Sometimes we make a big deal out of small shite for no reason.

Anyways... OP my advice to you and is set your expectations straight to your partner. If you see no changes then you know what to do!

“But taking on the entire parenting alone whilst watching the other parent live life as normal, and rely on me for absolutely everything, in the same household is a struggle.”

This is why you need a proper conversation. Point out to your partner that he is your son’s parent as much as you are and he needs to be able to parent his son. He doesn’t get to opt out just because he doesn’t have breasts. As a PP suggested, your partner should be part of the evening routine. Does he parent at weekends?

I understand what you're saying, I was in a relationship with someone who was neglectful and didn't help and for the past 7 years I've been an actual single mum.
I work full time in a school, run all over the place for clubs and right now I have covid, all of which is an absolute nightmare when there's one of you. Having been on both sides I can tell you that the reality of being a single parent is very different. Something in your routine and the way you work together needs to change if you want to stay together. Sit down as a team, because that's what you're supposed to be, and figure out a way to make it work for both of you. No getting mad or defensive on either side. Sometimes we just have to get our crap together, and if we can't we have to leave. I left after he couldn't get it together, you can too.

you have my sympathy OP, some feathers seem to be ruffled but IMO it’s worse having another adult (parent!) in the household that can but won’t help, that sleeps in whilst you’re up early, that criticises that you’ve not done this, that and the other - when they’d have to do it all themselves if they lived alone, that your finances aren’t in your hands - sometimes you are in a worse place with a partner. I remember being made to feel guilty meeting my sister 45 minutes away for a day out and dinner for the first time in ages since the baby was born, and the first time I’d really gotten out and away, because the baby had a cold coming on and wouldn’t settle - my day out had been planned for weeks, if it was urgent I’d have come right home, but why can’t men just deal with it when it’s normal stuff? You have to decide if it’s a phase of him being unhelpful at this particular stage - but it’s not as though he’s also sleep-deprived helping with the baby - have you had a sit-down conversation that he is equally a parent and adult in the household? If you already feel like you need to leave can you apply to your local council for housing and government income support?

I don’t understand your statement that he relies on you for absolutely everything. Your DP brings in a full time salary versus your two evenings a week. That is what partly defines a single parent. I work full time, single parent to 2 DC with no help whatsoever from their father. A single parent does everything from feeding to all the household admin while throwing the bins out for collection to name a few as well
as financial responsibility.
Either you tell him he needs to change or you leave. That is your choices, do remember though that a bad partner is not better than no partner at all.

OP, the frustration and resentment will build up within you and you'll emotionally check out of your relationship.

Either talk to your partner or if you feel it is too late, present to your local authority as in need of help with housing, apply for single parent benefits and leave. Other woman can do it, so can you and life may be hard but at least you won't have to carry the burden of useless partner on top of life as a single mum.

You could even try asking your mum if she can have you while you wait for housing benefit/UC or whatever you may be entitled to.