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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help- what would you do

19 replies

Whatanidiot22 · 28/09/2022 06:09

Name change for this one. So I'm laid awake contemplating this, and really need some guidance-
A colleague has been flirting hard with me for 6 months (including him sending some pretty graphic dick pics). He'd even asked me to meet him. So glad I didn't as I found out last night in front of all my colleagues that he actually has a girlfriend, and it seems I'm the only one who didn't know.
I feel totally humiliated, especially the way he let me find out, and if I'm honest, I really liked him and I'm quite upset. I called him out on it- sent him a message to give him the chance to explain himself, or even apologise, and he didn't even bother to respond.
So here's my dilemma- in a few weeks we have a big work conference, and I'm the organiser of an evening dinner for a large group of us at the end of the first day. He is included. Should I send him an email to politely suggest it would be better if he didn't attend? Or just refund his payment and say nothing? Or just allow him to come and have a nice time, despite the fact he didn't even think I was worth an apology? Or should I drop him in it by telling our colleagues that he's not the nice, awkward, shy guy they all think he is, and is in actual fact a lying, predatory piece of work???
I should add that he is my (female) current team manager's best friend.... makes it even more of a tricky situation but similarly I'm pretty sure she'd not be impressed by his behaviour.

Any help here would be so appreciated.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 28/09/2022 06:17

I think you just have to suck it up and remain professional. I don't think you can remove him from the dinner plans.

You are going to care for more about his conduct than his other colleagues. You could report him for sexual harassment but then I'd expect an examination of your messages would show you were complicit.

In future, don't be flattered by work colleagues who send you photos of their genitals.

Original poster

Whatanidiot22 · 28/09/2022 06:32

You're probably right, sucking it up is the only thing I can really do.

OP posts:

DosCervezas · 28/09/2022 06:56

At least you know what he's like now. A forced apology isn't an apology so I would suggest letting go of thinking that's going to help. Cut all contact that you can with him, he's not going to explain himself or discuss his behaviour.

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2022 06:57

No you have to remain professional. Otherwise you'll make yourself look look like a bunny boiler. Just pretend you don't know him and avoid him as much as possible.

TacCat49 · 28/09/2022 06:59

I hope all these shenanigans weren't going on during working hours or any communications/pics where sent over the company computer system. If so, and you report him, you will be in just as much trouble as this can be easily traced. Employees are expected to work in the best interests of the company during their paid working hours. You have had a lucky escape here. Just in future keep your social/sex life out of the workplace.

gamerchick · 28/09/2022 11:57

Always keep personal feelings outside of work. Just stay professional and give him a swerve. If he steps out of being professional tell him youll be reporting his dick pics.

Marineboy67 · 28/09/2022 12:26

I think I'd find his Facebook and send her the dick pics on messenger and say " Ere d'you recognise this knob?" Belongs to your boyfriend, he sent them to me" Best way to deal with the twat!

OldFan · 28/09/2022 12:34

You can't remove him from the thing for the group because he has a personal issue with just you. People wouldn't be impressed with that. I mean, it'd be great if you could, but it wouldn't come across well, and you need to consider that, especially if he's your team manager 's best friend.

I would have as little to do with him as possible, but keep your head down and don't do anything, for the sake of not having any issues at work.

If he (objectively) harrasses you in any way in future, then obviously report that to HR.

GreenManalishi · 28/09/2022 12:41

You stay in your lane and keep your head high and don't engage with him. He is no loss, and the only way you can lose in this situation is if you engage in any drama. Remain entirely professional and do what you need to do for your career.

(Alternatively, you could set up an anonymous email address and email your department with photos of his dick and go out with a bang and never have to see him again!)

wellhelloitsme · 28/09/2022 12:45

GreenManalishi · 28/09/2022 12:41

(Alternatively, you could set up an anonymous email address and email your department with photos of his dick and go out with a bang and never have to see him again!)

I know (or hope!) you're joking there but in case anyone reading thinks that would be a good idea, sending the picture to people would be a criminal offence that falls under 'revenge porn' laws.

GreenManalishi · 28/09/2022 13:45

@wellhelloitsme I wasn't seriously suggesting she use this as her resignation letter, but good idea to point that out for anyone that might think it would be good idea.

Watchkeys · 28/09/2022 14:36

I think you need to realise that your hurt feelings are making you think that other people will give a crap.

Their lives aren't about you, or him, and you'll just look petty if you take any sort of revenge.

Pretend none of it never happened. When you go to dinner, treat him like you would treat someone who smelled disgusting; polite, but brief, and distant whenever possible.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/09/2022 14:48

Yeah you can't exclude him - that would go down as workplace bullying. It would also send him a huge message that you've been hurt, which would give his already-inflated ego a boost.

LuckyLil · 28/09/2022 15:01

Whatanidiot22 · 28/09/2022 06:32

You're probably right, sucking it up is the only thing I can really do.

I'm not entirely sure the best phrases are being employed here 😱

Addicted2LoveIsland · 28/09/2022 15:04

Just leave it. Forget it and move on. Avoid asuch as you can.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2022 15:10

A colleague has been flirting hard with me for 6 months (including him sending some pretty graphic dick pics).

Grim on his behalf and on yours if you didn't object. Your boundaries are in need of a serious overhaul. He's a colleague, for goodness sake.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 28/09/2022 15:16

GreenManalishi · 28/09/2022 12:41

(Alternatively, you could set up an anonymous email address and email your department with photos of his dick and go out with a bang and never have to see him again!)

The first part of this is good advice.

Derbee · 28/09/2022 15:23

Wow, who’d have thought a colleague that sends you dick pics wasn’t actually a decent man?

I’m reeling

GoogleUser · 01/10/2022 04:45

The moment a work colleague sent me a flirty message I would've instantly replied with a professionally worded message, reminding him that we are work colleagues and that is all. If it persisted and he sent me a d#@k pic... then HR would've been informed immediately!
No matter how cute you find a work colleague, you're paid to work, not flirt.
You didn't know he had a girlfriend when he was messaging you, but you do now, so just block and ignore him. He's a cheating deadbeat. If he persists, then quietly let his girlfriend know, but keep it professional at work.

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