He is ghosting me

[UN17280]

Long story short, I recently left (with children) my husband, marriage had a long painful history of domestic violence, drug abuse (him-was hidden for years, still feel like a fool that I didn't realise) infidelity and day to day emotional abuse...I left because during a recent psychotic episode I actually thought he might kill me and was behaving extremely irrationally in public (pretending to me contacting colleagues etc trying to suss out an affair that I have never had) anyway my point is now I'm safely away with the children he is basically totally ignoring me, saying I have lost my chance with him and we have nothing to talk about, which I guess is better than the continual insults but why has this hurt me so much? It's like all I can think about...kids speak with him multiple times a day (long distance between us but was agreed by him that we would relocate so I took the chance) but he just refuses to engage with me as if I am the one who has lost my family and any chance of a future together.
I know inside this is all wrong and he is manipulating just really struggling at the moment feeling like I've lost everything when in reality I know I've got myself and children out of an extremely unhealthy life

Congratulations for getting away. What you're describing sounds like a trauma bond. It's an addiction to the relationship caused by the roller coaster you've been on.

I really suggest you try and get some kind of counselling, preferably trauma based to try and work through this.

He is the one who destroyed the family not you. Please keep reminding yourself of this.

i would also add that him contacting your children multiple times a day is not good for anyone. It sounds very intrusive .

If they are teens they will probably soon tire of his constant calls and won’t pick up.

if they are younger I would insist on some boundaries and a schedule for calls. Say 6pm every other night or every night. Make it for a time that works for you and the kids ie. Not during bedtime or supper time.

It will also help you not to feel that he is omnipresent in your home.

As a PP said, you’re deeply traumatised and may well need therapy to recover. It’s great that you’ve got away and that he’s let you go long distance. That makes you safer.

Ghosting you may be the only way he can deal with letting you go. And better and safer for you to have him ghosting you than pressuring you to take him back.

But it’s natural to grieve for the relationship you hoped to have. It’s natural to have very complicated feelings about your situation which include pain and grief alongside relief at getting away. You just need time to work through those feelings.