Need some advice

[Needsomeadvice2022]

Please be kind - first time sharing this all and I need some advice as it's eating me up inside.

Background: I am married with 2 boys (primary age). Been with DH for 15 years, married 12. Largely a very happy marriage and I love him dearly - although last 6 months have been tough as he's been mega stressed with work and being a bit mean at times.

So, 7 years ago I had an emotional affair with an ex-work colleague. It was mostly just flirting, messages etc and lasted on/off about 18 months when I decided to leave the job as my MH was in a bad way. I found myself a counsellor and set about trying to deal with lots of unresolved childhood trauma (was sexually abused as a child by a family member and my alcoholic dad left us after many affairs too).

I have seen said ex-colleague a few times since then and whilst things have reverted back in to old chat - he's in a sexless/loveless marriage etc - nothing more has ever happened.

A few months ago there was another work reunion that was an overnight. I went along not planning to drink too much but fell back in to old ways and ended up quite pissed and had a couple of lines of coke (this is NOT my norm btw). Was chatting with ex colleague a fair bit but all fine, he walked me back to my hotel and all platonic, although I was joking that if/when my husband dumps me he's my back up. And then - god knows why - I messaged him when I was going to bed. He face-timed me and we ended up having some flirty chats and I flashed my boobs. He was asking for more but I refused and said goodbye.

I woke up the next day and my first thought was "holy fuck, what have I DONE!". Which I messaged to him. He called and just said not to worry, to delete calls etc off my phone and just forget about it and go back to my lovely family. He is a fairly sensible bloke tbh and I do know that he wouldn't want to rock the boat.

However, I am struggling to reconcile all of this. I am so utterly appalled with myself and obsessing so much about how gross I am. I have ADHD but don't feel it's right to just blame that. I haven't touched any booze since that incident and it's definitely served to make me realise that I don't want to drink - not only do I take drugs (which I really wouldn't normally do) but it makes me do stuff I hate myself for.

I don't even fancy this guy, which kind of makes things worse I think. I just enjoy his attention.

I guess my question is what to do? I have contemplated telling DH but just hate the thought of hurting him, esp for someone that I don't even want. I am also shit scared that he'd want to end our marriage.

The only advice I can offer is to take a deep breath and tell your husband what's been going on. He deserves to know. Ask for his forgiveness, be honest when expressing your deep regret and give him all the time he needs. It won't be easy, but it's what has to be done, in my opinion.

I wouldn't rush to tell your DH tbh.

Deal with you and your issues.

I don't think I would say anything. Who will feel better as a result of knowing? Let it go. Concentrate on coming to terms with what has happened in your past. Take care

You won't achieve anything by telling your DH on my opinion. Like you said, you don't even fancy this guy, and you have a lot of trauma. The fact that you left that workplace due to MH says a lot. I think you can be a bit more forgiving if yourself.

Just keep working on yourself as you're doing, it's a long and slow process. The thing with the guy was a symptom, not a cause.

I think there's a lot to unpack here OP and agree that you need to work on yourself hopefully with the continued support of a councillor. There's reasons to tell your DH and reasons not to I guess. You need to think about what is best for you? If you don't tell him can you move on, make sure it doesn't happen again and draw a line under it? Or will you feel too guilty and self sabotage? When I first got with my partner we had only been together 6 months and were long distance and I made a stupid drunken mistake and kissed someone else. I regretted it instantly and called and told him the next day. I knew I risked losing him but I couldn't continue on a lie. The fact you have described it as an emotional affair makes me think you should tell him but that's just my opinion. It sounds like you are searching for something though that your husband isn't giving you so you may need to have a very open and honest conversation. Good luck OP.