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Original poster

What contact is normal when you start seeing someone ?

24 replies

Barkyboats · 27/09/2022 18:50

Very, very early days with someone I’ve met. We’ve met face to face twice now. We get on very well, think they fancy me and when we do speak over the phone / FaceTime / texts it’s always really nice and we usually end up talking for hours.

I have a question for the more experienced daters out there! He will sometimes go 2-3 days without speaking with me. Is this a bad omen or completely normal for two people who live different lives and have only just started seeing one another ?

OP posts:
gogohmm · 27/09/2022 19:02

We spoke most days, but to be honest he was a bit besotted... he still calls me if on business trips even though we live together. I'm more old school because my previous relationship was 27 years so dated before texting when phone calls were expensive etc, I didn't expect daily calls

Original poster
Barkyboats · 27/09/2022 19:17

@gogohmm so would say it’s a bad omen then ?

OP posts:
cookiecreammmpie · 27/09/2022 19:31

We spoke every day in the early days. We did move fast, we had sex first date, I was pregnant after 8 weeks and living together after 9 months. We knew straight away we wanted to be together and weren't seeing other people. But even at a more normal pace, I don't think it's healthy that you're going 3 days without talking, unless it is just casual for now and you're both OK with that.

KiraKiraHikaru · 27/09/2022 19:34

I don’t think 3 days is a good sign sorry. When my husband and I first started talking it was messaging throughout the day all day and long FaceTimes till the early hours every night. We were so desperate to be together.

forgotoldusername · 27/09/2022 19:40

I am on my second OLD relationship (first lasted one year, I have been with this second man for nearly 10 months now). We talked every single day with Man 1 and every single day with man 2. We meet 2-3x a week (1x if either of us is too busy). I think it would be impossible to go a full day without speaking to each other. If we're really busy it's a quick 10-15 minutes whatsapp exchange but we always always say goodnight. So for me it wouldn't bode well

Original poster
Barkyboats · 27/09/2022 19:54

Thanks everyone. Ah well, I did think he was too good to be true !

OP posts:
Spoonfulofvodka · 27/09/2022 19:59

Have you got another date lined up?

Diverseopinions · 27/09/2022 20:06

The concern might be that he is seeing other people and so has to compartmentalise.

It has been said on Mumsnet that modern dating etiquette suggests that, in the early times, you don't question people too much about any other attachments they might have. I can't remember when it becomes more acceptable to ask whether they are only seeing you. Three months, possibly? Of course, t would be up to the individual to ask, it it were important to them, but, I suppose, you couldn't be sure that they'd tell you the truth.

I have had one relationship years ago in which, I later found out, the person, was seeing others. It had that compartmentalised feeling of full on attention when they were me, but unaccountable gaps of a few days when they didn't message. It would have been natural to make a comment by text on something we'd been discussing When I got used to the pattern, I also found that they would tend to forget things we'd been talking about or that had produced a similar response in each of us - like a lot had happened in between.

Not saying that this is the case, but just giving my experience and perspective.

Darbs76 · 27/09/2022 20:10

Are you waiting for him to message you in those 2-3 days? Maybe he doesn’t want to crowd you? I wouldn’t say it’s definitely bad. See how things go

ny20005 · 27/09/2022 20:49

I suppose it depends on where you both are in life. Both having kids & jobs might explain it to a degree but modern times of everyone being glued to devices - how difficult is it to send a few messages ? Don't think it's a good sign I'm afraid

Original poster
Barkyboats · 27/09/2022 21:50

Thanks everyone !

Yes have planned when we’re best seeing each other.

What you’re saying about him potentially seeing other people makes sense ! In a weird way I don’t begrudge him for that given how early days this is. I would love to be able to see more than one person at once but I just don’t have the energy 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Barkyboats · 27/09/2022 21:50

That should say NEXT seeing each other

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/09/2022 21:56

Some people text every hour. Some once a fortnight. Everybody has their own 'normal'.

Do you like the way he's communicating with you? Does it suit you? If so, it's a good omen. If not, it's a bad omen. There's no 'right' amount to contact someone.

WorrieaboutFIL · 27/09/2022 21:59

Seems fine to me, the main thing is he planning/ initiating calls and meetups,? Or is he leaving you wondering when you'll hear from him next?

Oopsiedaisyy · 27/09/2022 22:01

We have always messaged daily, and through the day off and on, but that was what works for us both, he might be old school and not see the point.

Celia24 · 27/09/2022 22:01

I've had this a couple of times OP.

The first time the guy clearly wasn't that bothered and it showed from the 2-3 days thing. The second time round I spoke to the guy and he contacted me every day from then onwards with no issued, it just hadn't been his natural style and he'd been single a long time.

Original poster
Barkyboats · 27/09/2022 22:08

I’m okay with it when I think about it….it’s very early days and when we speak it’s for so long that I don’t necessarily feel the need to speak with him.

He does instigate things yes.

If things progressed and we were “exclusive” then I would want to chat more probably. Just to touch base more than anything !

I think from posts on here, it’s just a waiting game, could be a red flag could just overthinking.

OP posts:
Olivemitteridge · 28/09/2022 10:06

Think it depends a bit on where you’re both at in life. As a PP said, if you’re both older, got kids, jobs and busy lives, going without contact for a couple of days seems pretty reasonable I think. Personally I can’t bear it if someone is constantly contacting me and expecting a response as I’m pretty busy. Doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of interest at all imho.

Can you ask him about it?

Also the whole having to go with the modern etiquette of OLD ie not asking for. 3 months if they’re shagging others seems ridiculous. Wtf? If you’re unhappy with that scenario, you don’t have to put up with that. Lots of men would be uncomfortable with that too!

Original poster
Barkyboats · 28/09/2022 13:16

@Olivemitteridge thank you !

When I next see him he’s staying with me for a weekend so will hopefully have a discussion about it all. Will feel more comfortable if face to face.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 28/09/2022 13:31

I am in my 50s so way back when, I would have thought nothing of not speaking to someone for a few days. Since we all got mobile phones though, well I have only dated two people before meeting my husband and contact was always a couple of times daily, but could be texts, didn’t have to be phone calls.

EBearhug · 28/09/2022 13:52

I think a lot depends on individuals- I rarely phone anyone, but I text.

I know when I'm keen on someone, because they're the one I want to tell things like I saw an interesting butterfly in the garden, that I wouldn't mention to most people, or share a news story or... just be in touch, even if you can't be together. But then balance it with knowing they've got to deal with the kids after school and other stuff, so can't swamp them with messages (plus I also have to work and do other things.)

Who initiates contact? Is it always the same one or more evenly balanced? I'm guessing if you're asking the question, you're not totally happy with the frequency of contact, but 20 years ago, before mobile phones were ubiquitous, it would have been more normal not to have daily contact. So I think different people have different needs and finding the balance between enough contact for both of you and neither feeling smothered is something only you can work out between you.

maddy68 · 28/09/2022 13:53

I think three days is normal in the early days ?

Watchkeys · 28/09/2022 14:14

maddy68 · 28/09/2022 13:53

I think three days is normal in the early days ?

Is this a joke? Everybody's different.

Mandofan · 28/09/2022 15:56

Three days isn’t normal to me. I’m seeing someone new and we text every day and have a short phone call most nights. I would think they weren’t interested if contact was every few days

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