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Original poster

Partner lying about snus (smoking)

25 replies

Loulou939393 · 27/09/2022 15:25

Hi, my boyfriend of 11yrs (we have 2 children) has been lying to me over and over again about using snus (nicotine pouches). He point blank denies it and says I'm crazy for not trusting him and gets very defensive. Now a few times he's admitted it and said that he is sorry and will stop etc. This has happened maybe 5 times now. I will point out its the lying I am upset about, not the actual snus (although it is discusting).

About 6 months ago I caught him out again and he owned up and said he was lying and he's so sorry he keeps lying and he wants to quit, I told him very clearly that its the lies I can not handle and don't deserve. I told him I want to support him to quit BUT JUST DONT LIE EVER AGAIN. he said he wouldn't.

Now 2 days ago I found more snus... he denied it and said it was definitely very old and why can't I trust him??!! ... the production date on this packet was 3 weeks ago. I told him that and then he still lied. Eventually he owned up to lying AGAIN.

Am I crazy to forgive and move on AGAIN?

I feel the trust is shattered now and I just feel completely let down and deflated. Honestly just sad how it's all gone.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Energycrisisworrier · 27/09/2022 15:29

I'm sorry. Leave, he won't change. The 2nd time he lied and you accepted it, all you did was tell him that your boundaries are weak and easily manipulated.
Now he knows he can keep doing it and you'll keep making excuses and forgiving him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/09/2022 15:30

Am I crazy to forgive and move on AGAIN?

Yes.

This man has lied to you repeatedly and unashamedly. You've given him chance after chance to come clean. He's accused you of being delusional and insecure. If you stick around for more of this you are going to end up with actual mental health issues caused by his gaslighting behaviour.

purplecorkheart · 27/09/2022 15:31

I do not really know what snus is but how does it impact you? Surely as an adult it is up to him whether he uses or not.

Original poster
Loulou939393 · 27/09/2022 15:34

It is like chewing tobacco if you know what that is?

Yes I agree and I don't want to be controlling at all. It's the lying that is upsetting, repeatedly, despite me being supportive and telling him just to not lie and be deceitful

OP posts:
Dery · 27/09/2022 15:36

I’d never heard of snus before this post so I’ve learnt something new. He shouldn’t lie of course and perhaps it’s a stupid but is there a reason why you’re determined he shouldn’t use them? It sounds a bit controlling on your part.

Dery · 27/09/2022 15:36

… a stupid question…

Original poster
Loulou939393 · 27/09/2022 15:41

Dery · 27/09/2022 15:36

I’d never heard of snus before this post so I’ve learnt something new. He shouldn’t lie of course and perhaps it’s a stupid but is there a reason why you’re determined he shouldn’t use them? It sounds a bit controlling on your part.

I've never demanded it, he's always says he wants to quit so I've said I want to help him, just stop lying to me.

OP posts:
elferian · 27/09/2022 15:47

is he lying about other things? He could be lying to himself as much to you - genuinely does not think he is addicted. Or afraid that if he admits it then it will normalize the habit making it harder to stop.

Pineappleskies · 27/09/2022 15:55

Leave him to make his own life choices and he won't feel pressured.

It's really a stupid disagreement.

It's his body and his choice and you're banging on about trust issues when it isn't your business anymore than you should have to confess to a sneaky bag of crisps or sugar in your tea.

Accept him for who he is. Chewing tobacco is hardly paedophilia now is it.

Leaving a good husband and father because he chews tobacco is being perhaps over optimistic about the perfection of humanity.

Try and relax over it a little. When you do, his choices may well change anyway.

purplecorkheart · 27/09/2022 16:26

Taking Snus out of the relationship and the lying associated with it for a minute, how is otherwise?

Original poster
Loulou939393 · 27/09/2022 17:00

We have a good relationship, I love him and he's a great dad to our boys. But we have no sex life at all

OP posts:
ReadtheReviews · 27/09/2022 17:26

Anyone else need glasses and thought op's partner had a smoking anus? (Not helpful).

IodineQueen · 27/09/2022 17:34

Snus is nothing like chewing tobacco (which I do think is disgusting). It’s just a pouch you put under your lip when you have a craving. I don’t understand what it is about using snus that is bothering you so much. Quitting is really difficult and it sounds like he’s trying his best. To be honest you sound really controlling and if I were him I’d run for the hills.

Galarunner · 27/09/2022 17:38

Snus are a tobacco free nicotine replacement product. They are pretty harmless from the research I have done. My teenage son is unfortunately a smoker and wants to stop and has requested them to help him quit. I'm undecided but they certainly aren't tobacco.

IodineQueen · 27/09/2022 17:41

@Galarunner ’proper’ snus that is popular in Sweden contains tobacco but you can also get tobacco-less snus which is what is mostly available here, technically they’re known as white pouches I think.

MiseryWIthAStent · 27/09/2022 17:44

ReadtheReviews · 27/09/2022 17:26

Anyone else need glasses and thought op's partner had a smoking anus? (Not helpful).

Me

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 27/09/2022 17:44

ReadtheReviews · 27/09/2022 17:26

Anyone else need glasses and thought op's partner had a smoking anus? (Not helpful).

Me. My brain is filth.

altmember · 27/09/2022 17:50

He's an addict, and like all addicts, they lie to try and cover up their addiction. However, surely using nicotine pouches is preferable to smoking or vaping, isn't that the whole idea of them? What's your actual problem with him using them? If you eased up on that a bit, perhaps he wouldn't feel like he needs to hide it?

Opentooffers · 27/09/2022 17:58

You can't just say the words 'I'll support you' and expect someone to stop a long held addiction. I think you're being a tad extreme about this, perhaps using it as a deflection from the main issue - a sexless relationship. There are more important issues here than snus - which doesn't affect you in any way. He probably feels compelled to lie given your extreme reaction to it. If you'd been more relaxed about it, he might of been more open about it. If he fears you might leave him over it, that could well be why he hides it.

caringcarer · 27/09/2022 18:06

If it contains nicotine he is probably addicted. I could not live with a smoker, vaper or anyone who chews this snus. I would be leaving over the addiction and the lying would just confirm to me I had made the correct choice. He is picking this snus above you and children and then lying to your face.

oobeedoobee · 27/09/2022 18:30

Op the snus 'issue' is really only an issue for you I'm afraid.

Your partner is NOT smoking, he's using a nicotine replacement ffs ! And there's nothing at all 'disgusting' about that FFS !

You're trying to control how he stops bloody smoking ! Like it's got zero to do with YOU what method HE chooses ! He's trying his best to quit a terrible addiction, and you're having a go at him because he's using a nicotine replacement ! Can you not see how stupid that is ??

It seems that your 'support' comes with conditions attached from what you've written, and he's aware of it, therefore he lies because he knows you've got an issue with what he's using to help him stop smoking.

Get off your 'high horse' and leave him to choose whatever method works best for HIM to stop smoking. Then maybe actually GIVE him support, without the stupid 'conditions' ???

elferian · 28/09/2022 12:33

ReadtheReviews · 27/09/2022 17:26

Anyone else need glasses and thought op's partner had a smoking anus? (Not helpful).

I hope you did not misread the post about him picking the snus

stickynoter · 28/09/2022 15:36

I thought snus was going to be a harmful drug etc

I agree the lying is bad but it given it's an addiction he has it might not be possible for him to completely stop immediately and if not, the lying may stem from him being scared of your reaction

Maybe agree if he can be honest you'll cut him some slack and not get so angry (as long as he's not lying)

Anothernick · 28/09/2022 18:29

You are not having sex and you seem obsessive about his occasional use of nicotine. Despite what you say I don't think this is really a good relationship. As others have said, nicotine is highly addictive and most people cannot just switch off from it, it takes time and willpower. And for most people sex is essential - that is one of the main purposes of a relationship, if you are not having sex you are merely close f

Anothernick · 28/09/2022 18:30

....... Friends

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