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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with elderly mother

26 replies

helpmethisiscrazy · 27/09/2022 12:39

So my father died a couple of years ago and I offered my mother to buy a bigger place come and live with me.
She moved in a month ago and I'm finding it difficult managing her expectations and moods. Things will go well and all fine for a few days and then she will have an outburst or tantrum about something. For background, we have always had a strained relationship (my sister also finds her difficult, so it isn't just me. However sister and I have very differwnt personalities so deal with things differently). Her latest outburst today is that she doesn't want my partner to live here. He doesn't live with here! He never has lived with me. He stays here a few days then goes home for a few days. This has always been the routine. She claims he has been here since she arrived (a month ago) and hasn't left. This is totally inaccurate. I have noticed she will have a narrative in her head that doesn't exist, then causes issue because she wants the narrative that does actually exist to be put in place. It makes no sense. My issue is that even when my partner is here he is usually at the top of the house in my area (think very large bedroom and own bathroom). If she does see him it's max 20 mins if we are eating. For example yesterday we were out all day and she didnt see him beyong a hello and goodbye. He is the loveliest most polite person and so supportive of me. Always aks her if she needs anything if he is popping out and always thinking of eay to make things nicer/easier for her etc. Always inviting her to come with (I wouldn't lol). She has made me feel so bad and so upset. I think it's unreasonable to dictate how often I see my partner and when he can and can't stay! For context I'm more than old enough - well out of my 30's. I also feel like - I can't slow my relationship down because of her, and what happens in a year or two when we may want to live together?!!We can't sell up and she lives on her own - she's already mid 80's! I'm even more annoyed because I planned a lovely day for just her and 1 on Weds and I feel like she has spoiled it. If she had just shut up this morning and waited she would have seen he was leaving anyway - he was only here for 4 nights. In fact he was supposed to leave a couple of days ago but we had some work to do which took longer than expected. I have also noticed that when she is with my partner and I and we are happy she doesn't seem happy for us. She looks irritated. It's very upsetting. It's like she doesn't want me to be happy. As we were going back and forth today she said "I've never been good enough for you" I felt like that was such a weird comment given the discussion we were having. What has my partnet staying here got to do with her being good enough. At the moment she is on the phone chatting to her friend happy and laughing. In the meantime she has totally ruined my day. I'm seething! Need a hand hold and some practical advice!

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 27/09/2022 12:43

She wants you all to herself and doesn't want to vie for your attention. You need to be firm with her that it is your house too and you are entitled to have your partner to stay. Does she maybe think that he needs to contribute financially in some way?

HappyHamsters · 27/09/2022 12:46

Is it your house or do you and mum both own it. If she doesn't own any of it then she could move out into a smaller flat, maybe a retirement village type place, plenty of people her age so that.

Original poster
helpmethisiscrazy · 27/09/2022 12:49

Thanks that's what I thought as well. He does contribute when he is here (buys food etc and if she requests something he pays for it). So it isn't that. I have been very firm and told her that she doesn't get to dictate when I see my partner - that isn't up to her. It's unfortunate because I had a lovely day planned for her later this week and I now do not even want to be around her.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 27/09/2022 12:49

Hi op they v difficult at that age thats why we dont bring her away.. you need start put boundaries in. Does the sister take her. Just be careful your own relationship doesnt suffer

Original poster
helpmethisiscrazy · 27/09/2022 12:55

Thanks sp much for everyone who replied. It is my house but she has helped me with a lot financially. That said I still don't think that means she can dictate when and how often I see my partner. She told me to go stay at his - this is totally impractical for various reasons. My sister does take her but she travels a lot for work and loves a good few hours away.
It is good to be reminded that they are difficult at this age.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 27/09/2022 12:59

ApolloandDaphne · 27/09/2022 12:43

She wants you all to herself and doesn't want to vie for your attention. You need to be firm with her that it is your house too and you are entitled to have your partner to stay. Does she maybe think that he needs to contribute financially in some way?

This
as she's only been there a month, I would suggest it's not working maybe?

i have to talk to mum like a child sometimes to get her to behave. Yesterday I had to shout at her - I really had to, someone else's safety was at stake and it was the only way she'd listen.

generally we get on well but could not live together.

HappyHamsters · 27/09/2022 12:59

No she doesnt get to dictate when you see your partner, its your house even if she has helped you financially then she shouldnt hold that against you.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/09/2022 13:03

My DH is 81 and she stayed with me for 5 weeks earlier this year when she fractured her wrist. It nearly broke me! She just likes things a particular way and found it hard to comprehend that we do things differently.

Heronwatcher · 27/09/2022 13:05

This doesn’t sound like it’s working. I think you need to sit down and have a chat about boundaries and make it clear that your partner is a member of the household but if she doesn’t like it you’d be happy to help her move home (or move somewhere else close by). But honestly if you have a strained relationship anyway I think it’s unlikely that this is going to work out- nice that you’ve tried but better to face facts and live separately.

MingeofDeath · 27/09/2022 13:06

If you have always had a strained relationship with her then why did agree to live with her. Did you not consider that there might be difficulties. Don't want to sound as if I am blaming you or anything.

Heronwatcher · 27/09/2022 13:07

If you agree to live separately though you might need to come to an agreement about the money- you may need to sell the bigger house and buy two smaller ones? Or formally divide the house into 2 flats.

AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 27/09/2022 13:10

I think it's pretty clear that this isn't working. it's been one month and there's already massive tension, upset and hurt feelings. You're just not going to be able to live harmoniously imo so you have to decide whether you are willing to live with her and suck up her behaviour, or start taking steps to move out.

You can always set boundaries and leave it up to her.

complains about your partner
"Mum, however you feel about him, he's my partner and I have every right to have him here whenever I want. But I completely understand if you'd rather we start making arrangements to live separately so you have full control over everyone's comings and goings. Let me know when you've decided what you want to do"

Make it very clear that if you live together then this is how it's going to be, don't capitulate or give her the impression that she can have any say over this. As you say, your future with your partner is going to be really curtailed, how can you even consider moving in together while you're living with your mother? Even the nicest person isn't going to be keen on that.

There's a reason most grown ups don't live with their parents. Some households make it work and have mutual respect and for many people that just isn't going to happen and you need to work with the parent you've got, not the one you wish they'd be.

Minimalme · 27/09/2022 13:18

I'm sorry op but I would never advise anyone to live with their parent. Particularly when the relationship is already strained.

I think you got carried away with the idea of being able to help your Mum and own a bigger place.

Conceptually it's great. In reality, it's a fucking nightmare.

Either sell up and buy two smaller places or divide the house into two.

Don't waste the next 10 years of your life being control by your Mother.

Original poster
helpmethisiscrazy · 27/09/2022 13:22

I have had words with her and she has apologised.
Although the relationship is a little strained overall it is not awful. Culturally I wouldn't and couldn't let her live on her own. I think I'll see how it goes and if things don't improve after a decent period of adjustment the I'll think about selling.

I didn't really get carried away at the thought of a bigger house as where I lived was a perfectly good size anyway.

Thanks everyone some good advice and support here.

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 27/09/2022 13:28

See how it goes, encourage her to have her own social life, invite her friends over,if she has other people to socialise with then she may stop relying on you for company so much.

2bazookas · 27/09/2022 14:01

It is your house, but it's now her only home. I think you're somehow not fully taking on board that when you suggested you buy a larger place to live TOGETHER, that would mean less privacy and less autonomy for both of you.

Clearly she is missing her previous solo autonomy and independence and trying to reassert it. She's an 80 yr old woman who (fairly reasonably) does not welcome living under the same roof with a man she doesn't know. Perhaps, because you're not married and don't live together all the time, and because she's old, she just didn't grasp how much time he'd be spending there? That she'd be regularly seeing him at meal times; in her kitchen, etc?

You, are unwilling to give up any of your own previous autonomy and independence (having DP to stay whenever you like.) So you can understand exactly her own discomfort.

It there any way to reconfigure the house so that she has her own bedroom, a private sitting room, with TV, dining kitchen, strictly private manfree bathroom, and their paths never need to cross?

Dery · 27/09/2022 15:23

@2bazookas makes very good points. You bought a house in which you and your mother could live together. It was a very kind suggestion of yours but it is her home, too, and you’re acting as if she should have no say over her home environment. That doesn’t work. Making a man-free space for her sounds great if it can be managed.

londonlass71 · 27/09/2022 15:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
helpmethisiscrazy · 27/09/2022 15:30

Dery · 27/09/2022 15:23

@2bazookas makes very good points. You bought a house in which you and your mother could live together. It was a very kind suggestion of yours but it is her home, too, and you’re acting as if she should have no say over her home environment. That doesn’t work. Making a man-free space for her sounds great if it can be managed.

She has plenty of say. I just don't think she gets a say in the pace of my relationship and how much I should or shouldn't see my partner. She has plenty of space everyone has their own floor plus floors spare and plenty of living space. Its not cramped at all. Short of seeing him in passing and some meal times he is out of the way. To be honest we are often out. He is a massive help and very kind and thoughtful to her she is being massively unreasonable at the moment.

OP posts:
CrazyTimes732 · 27/09/2022 18:57

Did you discuss with your DM before buying together, that your partner or friends would be staying over regularly ?

Stillfunny · 27/09/2022 19:06

It is early days really. I took an elderly relative to live with me. She had previously lived alone and found the transition difficult. And as an elder , thought she had the right to comment on the sort of thing you describe. Had to remind her that we are both adults and equal roommates . And was also territorial and would have preferred having my full attention. There will be a lot more of these incidents ahead . I am only now learning to ignore the passive aggressive comments . But you are doing a good thing and it can get easier.

Original poster
helpmethisiscrazy · 27/09/2022 19:29

Stillfunny · 27/09/2022 19:06

It is early days really. I took an elderly relative to live with me. She had previously lived alone and found the transition difficult. And as an elder , thought she had the right to comment on the sort of thing you describe. Had to remind her that we are both adults and equal roommates . And was also territorial and would have preferred having my full attention. There will be a lot more of these incidents ahead . I am only now learning to ignore the passive aggressive comments . But you are doing a good thing and it can get easier.

Thank you so much this was such a helpful comment. I agree its early days - I think there will be adjustment but it will work out. Thank you for saying I am doing a good thing. Despite the ups and downs and the tension I definitely feel I did the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmethisiscrazy · 27/09/2022 19:33

CrazyTimes732 · 27/09/2022 18:57

Did you discuss with your DM before buying together, that your partner or friends would be staying over regularly ?

No not really because it has never been an issue. We discussed people coming to visit and stay in general but to be honest I didn't feel the need to as I'm well into my 40s. DP is super helpful and supportive we are both very lucky he is around. She just wants my full attention and to pander to her. She will get over it.

OP posts:
Justanoldermum · 27/09/2022 19:48

It will get better OP. These things always require an adjustment and it can take up to about a year to fully adjust. I don't think you say how long you've been living with her?
I don't think you need to change anything with DP. You're an adult and if that's a non negotiable for you then that's ok. You're allowed non negotiable.

Stillfunny · 28/09/2022 00:21

I get other relatives telling me that I should be selfish and put her into the Care system. But I say that I can't do this just because she is annoying me ! She has just returned from a week of Respite care as I was on holiday. Definitely knows how well off she is here and is full of gratitude . For now anyway.
Your DP sounds lovely and kind . A keeper! Good luck.