'Stately Homes' people - could you look at this please? (long, sorry)

[54isanopendoor]

I have started my own thread rather than posting in SH in general (hope ok?)
Because it's quite complicated & I want to get my head around it as a 'topic'.
(I've posted in legal thread too but this is the emotional side & it's HUGE to me)

So - My Mother was very damaged. She left her husband & my elder brother to have an affair for a year (ish? ended when the man died in an RTA). Apparantly, I was the result. But I was not told this & was brought up as a child of the family. I only learned this aged 16 when applying for my Birth Cert (Only, on her deathbed, she told me 'the affair man was awful & I am not even sure if you're his or Dads')

She died this spring. Brother barely cared for her (I knew she was ill way before him & wrote to him to alert him. I live 350m away he lives 10m away)
He didn't keep in touch with me about her frankly pitiful death. He didn't even let me know when she & Dad were in the same hospital at one point (Dad now out)

But the 'family ostracisim' has become even more apparant since she died.
Before she died she gave me & Ds (17) some paperwork. Family history, bank accounts she'd started for kids (a couple of hundred £ in each, she wasn't rich), some pics of my 'maybe' Dad's grave, my 1st bday cards & a letter which said she expected that the house would go to my brother (Dad won't make a will) but she wants him to 'treat me properly' after Dad dies & give me 25 %of the house as I will need it for my kids (I have 2 disabled kids & my husband walked out)
It's typed, she signed it: 'Mum'. It has no legal value but 'morally' it should stand.

I know it won't though, as my Brother has really underlined his true colours.
So has Dad. Despite visiting Mum many times (a long way & hard with disabled kids), then attending for the funeral (turns out it was an unattended cremation & I wasn't even invited to the family get together!), then dropping off Bday/FDay cards & small gift etc) there has been NO 'how are you/kids' from anyone since.

Since she died in May my Brother closed kids accounts but didn't send the money (eventually I contacted the bank & they advised that 4 m. was too long to not hand over kids money & reissued cheques to kids direct so that's sorted).
He wouldnt' give me a copy of the death cert till 2wk ago (I asked as I needed to know primary cause of death as GP has ref me for genetic assessment) He asked if Mum's birth cert was in the paperwork (family history stuff). It wasn't so I traced it & sent him the link to order online. No reply. I had another email asking if I had Mum & Dads wedding cert, & 'any other financial paperwork - we've seareched the house & nothing else has left - he wants it back'. I emailed Dad. No reply. I called yesterday. No reply. (I will send all emails to both now).

There was a;lso a Qu about Mum's ashes. (SIL & neice are having jewellery made, I was told that 'Dad cant face opening the urn yet'). I get an email from Brother 'as you keep asking I have pressured Dad & will send in next month'. I reply to him & Dad: 'NO pressure, Dad you must do as you wish when you wish'.

Last night I get an email from Brother. 'Mum's things': My wife has sent Mum's ashes & the cheques. I enclose an SAE for you to return Mum's things to Dad'
WTAF??

I know Mum's Letter won't 'stand' my Brother has underlined his true colours.
So has Dad. Despite visiting Mum many times (a long way & hard with disabled kids etc), & repeatedly before her death, then attending for the funeral (turns out it was an unattended cremation & I wasn't invited to the family get together!), dropping off Bday/FDay cards gift) there's been NO 'how are you' from anyone.

I am finding it hard to believe that I am a decent person in the face of such a wall of evidence that seemingly I am not worth treating as a human being ??

I don't know what I am 'asking' if anything, but I am really struggling with this.

Big hugs OP. I don't have any advice on any legal aspects but I just wanted to say I am sorry your family have treated this way. Do you feel they are punishing you for being associated (through no fault of your own) with your mother's "indiscretion"? What a cruel and pointless thing for them to do.

Have you ever had any counseling to help you deal with this? Does your employer offer any free counseling (check with HR)?

I'm so sorry. Sometimes families can be shit but you deserve much better.

Hi @CousinKrispy
thanks for wading through all that.
I don't know.
Yes I had Counselling in my 20's (there was also CSA in the family...)
It was very helpful & I had 'moved on'. But her death & their subsequent behaviour has stirred it all up again. I don't understand why they would be SO nasty? I have no legal claim (that I can see) so why be so bloody vicious?

very practically, who's name is on YOUR birth certificate in the apsce for father?

If it is your Dad, and he doesn't make a will, then probate with share it between you and your brother.
He will not have a choice. Your dad/brother would need to prove that you are NOT your father's daughter in order to cut you out.
If someone dies intestate (without a will) it is divided between legal heirs, and if you are on the birth certificate then you are a legal heir.

Sorry this is happening to you.
xx

Sorry for the family you have, such as they are.
The fact you weren't invited to your own mum;s funeral and family get together sadly tells you what your family think of you. Honestly, step back and see if you can get more counselling to help you deal with this.
Stop emailing them or calling them. Theres nothing to be gained from trying to force a relationship. Sadly I think you have to let them go. You're giving them cards etc, do they ever send you cards?
Just because they're family doesn't mean they'll be nice to you. Its hard but you have to look after yourself now, be strong for your kids. They're your family now.
I'm sorry OP, families are absolutely shite sometimes.
PP is correct though, if your Dad is on your BC, then you will inherit if he doesn't leave a will. Best not to tell them that though.

@steppemum
@thenotsoeviltwin

the name on my birth cert is the affair man. so aged 16, as Miss H from birth, I had to adjust to the fact that Dad, Mr H, was possibly not my Father.
On her deathbed Mother said she might be mistaken (only to me though)
I can go down the DNA route possibly, but Dad could STILL choose to make a will & disinerit me if he wanted to even if I am his 'blood' I guess.
So, legally, I am stuffed.

They KNOW that, so why be so needlessly horrible?
WHY? WHY? WHY?

(the cards & small gift were as Father's Day & Dad's Bday were the same wkend as the 'funeral'. I guess I was making a point that I would still be decent to him)

I know, it's mystifying why they choose to be so nasty to you. I guess their own emotional maturity is about that of toddlers or gnats and they just want to have a scapegoat to blame instead of dealing with things in a mature way. I'm so sorry you have to suffer as a consequence.

I think it's not unusual for these things to be stirred up by a death in the family.

Cruse is good for bereavement support www.cruse.org.uk/ and I'm sure they're knowledgable about screwed-up families like this :-( you're not alone, sadly.

take care of yourself OP

If genetic medical things are a concern please do get a proper dna test before your dad dies or you will never be able to conclusively prove it. Also it might make him feel differently about you because right now you represent her betrayal and selfishness.

It sounds like your mum has caused a lot of this by putting some random bloke on your birth cert; she has stuck a knife in with your (probably) dad and driven a wedge between you and your family to stir up drama and to hurt her husband. As a married woman she should have put her husband down if she wasn’t sure.

People have a lot of big and often strange-seeming feelings when someone dies and your whole family are grieving as well as you.

@PeekabooAtTheZoo
"as a married woman she should have put her husband down if she wasn't sure".
Yes, I have never thought of it that way but YES. I think it was wish fulfillment on her part? Certainly both men turned up at the hospital (nursing home then) & there was nearly a fist fight apparantly. I wonder if she enjoyed the drama?
Affair man must have believed it as he signed my Birth Cert as Father.
I was speaking to his sister recently & told her of Mother's 'not sure' deathbed remarks & sister suggseted a DNA test 'to put your mind at rest' so maybe she would help me.

But it is really about the Utter Othering of me. It was always thus really but now it is impossible to ignore. Yes, my Mother set all this up. I dont' know if I even want to accept the ashes when / if they do turn up (I expect I'll be away anyway)

@54isanopendoor you have a number of threads on this and that is your right.

I say this from a place of concern, you are stuck going round and round the same issues. There are multiple issues your true parentage, the impact this has on antsy inheritance, the inaccurate and contradictory info from your mum, your relationships with your mum, Dad and brother all whilst you are grieving.

Until you face the biggest issue and resolve it you are going to keep going round and round and as this appears to be impacting your mental health it will continue to see you spiral downwards unless you make a change.

Only you can do something about this, as a first step please consider getting some counselling. Posters on MN, including me, can provide support, our own experiences and advice, but this is not always appropriate you need professional help and advice.

You need to know whether or not your Dad is your biological parent, not because of the inheritance but for your own sake. You will always regret not finding out when you had the chance either via DNA from your Dad or potential relatives.

I've read your many threads on this.
And I'm sorry.
An awful situation for you.
But...
This was never going to end any other way. You know this, I think, on some level.
Just because you are a decent person it does not mean that everyone else is.
Concentrate on your own family.
Move on.
You deserve to be happy.
Your mum could have made her wishes legally binding. She didn't.
I think that tells you all you need to know.

@Princessglittery
Yes, I've had threads before when Mother became ill / died/ legal. But this was specifically about the emotional ramifications. Which are evolving. The latest email from brother was last night. The ashes were due to be delivered today.

@Chevyimpala67 'only ever going to end this way'
I dont' see why that is inevitable? It was possible that they would be distant but decent. They have chosen not to be but that is an evolving situation. I only recently found the letter from my Mother. She wasnt' well enough to travel for some months before she passed & there was no 'family lawyer'. She & Dad both left school at 14, worked in manual jobs, & would no more 'make a will' than fly to the moon tbh. That is why I don't think Dad will (though Brother might try to make him I suspect). Perhaps I am naieve but I have been shocked by them yes.

I can ask Aunt if she will do a DNA test with me.
Though, apart from any future inheritance (& Dad could choose to specifically cut me out anyway) I don't see what difference it would make. They clearly do not view me as family, or even a decent human being, or they could not behave this way.

As I say, it is hard to believe that I am (decent) with such hatred from my own family. Unless you have experienced it it is hard to describe how painful it is.
I thought Stately Homes was the place to discuss that so maybe I shouldn't have started my own thread but it felt a bit complex to 'drop in' to the main thread.

Your mother made a terrible mess of her life and didn't clean it up properly. That's where your understandable anger loss and resentment belongs, I'm afraid. Not with her lover, her husband, or your brother.

Your dilemma is not really about money, property, wills. It's about knowing your own true blood identity and sense of who and where you came from.

You do now have chance to settle forever, whether "Dad" is your father, via Sibling DNA testing with your sister ( establishing if you are full or half siblings). That's the most important broken link in your lifestory and you can piece it back together.

I don't think your mind will ever settle until you know the truth about your father.

oops. just realised you're talking about dad's sister not your own.

I would get your DNA done for your own piece of mind.

Then I would leave them to it. You need to get counselling help and just concentrate on yourself and your children. Sad but ultimately better in the long run if you let this go.

@2bazookas
no its not really about money / property / wills
(or only partly about them - important as they show my family's attitude to me)

I can see that getting a DNA test might be useful, but, I AM a child of that family. We all lived together until I (was told to leave) aged 18. My parents. My brother. Me. We were a family. We were treated as a family. We acted as a family. You don't have to have the same DNA to be a family. There are many kinds of family, not always related (ie adoption) But: FAMILY.

Why my Mother didn't just put me up for adoption & be honest about it I'll never know ('the shame of the neighbours knowing' I expect) She never 'wanted' me.
I used to fantasise about it when I was younger (common, I expect). My 'real' family would come and rescue me. Only it was my real family, & they didn't.
Given that we have still been (pretending to be ? some sort of) 'family' until this summer, it has been a shock for the final veneer to wear through I suppose.

I have two children. Both have Autism. It can be challenging. My exH left us.
We don't have much money. School / College / 'the world' can be difficult (ASD)
But at least my kids BOTH know they are loved. Always. Where-ever I am they will always have a roof. And Unconditional love. That's what a Mother should be.
Oh, and they know they can tell me when I get things wrong (& I do, often!).
That matters too. There is nothing they could do to alter thier place in my heart.

Well, I got brave & just spoke to my (probable natural Father's) sister (now 70's)
She's happy to do a DNA test to put my mind at rest but she says I am the spit of my Dad, she has no doubts. I think I will get the test done to be sure.

@54isanopendoor I’m glad you took that brave first step, I hope the DNA test results will give you some peace.