I cannot show my dp affection

[BrinaT]

Does anyone else struggle with this?

I love my dp and care about him but I really struggle to show it.

I've never told him I love him.
Never cuddle him or show any other type of affection towards him.

I once complimented his new haircut but that's as far as it goes.

I don't know how he's put up with it for so long. We've been together 12 years!

Reading this back, I sound really mean. I'm not. I just cannot show him affection.

I think this requires discussion with a therapist. The obvious first question is what were your parents like with you and with each other? Also what were you like with ex boyfriends? What is your DH like towards you?

I think there are over ways to show your partner you care than just being all over them.all the time. Personally I hate being mauled about. Id much rather have someone who I dunno, washed up while I put the washing away as opposed to leaving it all for me, than being groped while trying to clear up in the name of " showing affection"

How do you actually feel about him though? Is he a physical person or is he more restrained like you ?

I'm the same, I love him but can't show him affection. I do the basic amount, I am quite horrible tbh , I just can't show affection,

I was the same with my ex . I believe I showed him in everything I did how much I cared . He suffered with depression and after a therapist told him he needed cuddles he became obsessed. I found it really hard to do as he was often horrible to me . I kept his life going though and supported him when he couldn’t work. I have no problem telling my children I love them and showing affection . I think my ex made a show of saying he loved me but didn’t do the little things that would have made a difference.

What does he think?

This is actually not a problem if he's ok with it. If he's someone who needs hugs and physical intimacy (I'm not talking about sex with that) and he's not getting it at all, then it will be painful for him. If he's got no need for affection then you have no problem!

Do you have children? It may be something to explore before you do have kids as can imagine this could be quite damaging for them - unless you are sure it would be different?

My wife is the same and in her case it is largely upbringing. She is Estonian and it's part if the culture... so much so that there was an 'in joke' during covid that the Estonians were upset at being told they had to maintain a two metre distance because that's closer than they are used to.

Speaking from the receiving end, not going to lie, it isn't easy... I miss hugs and kisses, she says she loves me, but this is just how it's always been.

If he's been with you all this time, he's probably used to it so I wouldn't worry. All I can say for those that are 'new' to less-than-affectionate relationships is that it is easier to handle fewer affectionate moments but it really hurts being turned down when we initiate it... and no, not saying you should ever do anything you don't feel comfortable doing!!!

I am not an affectionate person at all and rarely hug people....parents were the same. Just doesn't come naturally to me and l
find the whole thing awkward.
Different with dd though.
But l show my love in other ways.
You are not alone op.

How would he know that you loved him then?

This is me. I hate it, really I am just not that person. If I look back to my childhood it stems from there, my DM particularly never really cuddled me or held my hand so, I sort of freeze if people try to cuddle me. I just find it such a strange emotion. I think it's too late to change.

I made sure I cuddled my DC and told them I love them but, I can see my dd is not a fan of being cuddled, don't know if it's my fault or because she is a teen. I do feel very guilty though. My son however is the opposite, happy to cuddle. I always tell them and my DH I love them I just can't do more.

What about at the very start of the relationship? The 'can't keep your hands off each other' stage? Did you experience that but it's tailed off? I think a therapist might help unless you're both ok without cuddles.

How did you get to 12 years without telling him you love him? You must have said it at least once?

What were things like when you first got together? Again, you must have shown some affection as you moved past the dating stage?

I think relationships need affection and I don’t consider it “groping” as a pp put it. It doesn’t have to be about sex. It’s holding hands in bed, kisses on the forehead when you leave the room, “love you have a good day”, and making them a packed lunch to be left in the fridge.

I think you need to ask your DP what he wants/needs and then make a conscious effort to do just one of those things eg. He might say he would like to hold hands watching the tele and you give it a go. It won’t been natural at first and you will have to make a conscious to do it but like all habits, they get easier over time!

It's entirely dependant on how he reacts to this lack of affection. Maybe he's not bothered and equally undemonstrative?