Boyfriend's ex: a question

[gemsandmilk]

I'm seeing someone, we've both got kids. Unlike me he enjoys a very good relationship with his ex. They share custody, live nearby, and do things together with the children, and know quite a bit about each other's lives.

I suppose I am finding it hard to work out how to cope with the role she occupies, and thinking about whether there's space in the setup for it to work longer term.

My ex and I are not close (he's very difficult), so it is difficult for me to compare, but I remember I was close with my exes before him (though I didn't have kids with them). I viewed them as close friends I'd like to keep.

Most of the time, 99% of it, I am proud of my new guy and his relationship with his ex. I know it marks him out to be lovely. And I know her too, and the situation is very above board and transparent. But 1% I find myself wondering what to expect from the future and whether we could ever really be close in the way that I need.

To be clear I am not trying to change it in any way. I think I have either a doubt, or a sensitivity to, the fact that while most of the time it is the children's needs that unite them and keep them in a family unit, also she keeps him very emotionally close too, and doesn't quite ever let him separate. Not sure. Any thoughts welcome.

I should say I do really love him and trust him. It's just I'm trying to work out what sort of space there will be for me.

There's co-parenting well together and there's too much involvement, doing things together as a family, how often?
It's nice to be on good terms but I wouldn't want to get involved if they are too close knit together, if you're moving on to a new relationship, you let go of emotional ties of an ex, or might start to feel like 3 of you in a relationship.

I guess this is what I'm trying to work out. Which of these it is.

I suppose I thought someone on here might comment 'I'm really close to my ex and it's fine'

It's obviously great that they share custody and live close by, and it's nice that they get on well and co-parent well.

When you say they do things together with the children, I guess I'm thinking...
Go to their DC's school things together (parents evening, concert, sports day etc) - fine.
Spend time together with the DC on their birthdays or Xmas - fine.
Text/phone regularly about their DC - fine.
Family days out together - hmmm not so fine.
Holidays - definitely not fine.

I'm in this situation, he's clear why the marriage ended 2 years ago, she has a new partner and yet finds it emotionally difficult if we were affectionate in front of her. She's very much in contact with him when we are together.

I need to know there's space for him to support me, as well as feeling he owes her support as the mother of his children and friend of 15 years 🙄

I'm trying to approach this as someone who is secure in my own worth

What is it that you want from him that she stops him being able to provide?

How old are the children? For very young children I'd say it's much more important to be able to get on and do things as a family than for e.g. older teens.

My now ex and his ex are uncomfortably close. No children, I never met her, he wouldn't even answer the phone to her in front of me, refused to tell anything about this person who had been in his life for several decades and wouldn't tell me if or when they were meeting (which I discovered was fairly frequently).

For me, a transparent relationship with an ex in which he's open and honest with you about, I'd have no issues.

It's always about the intention. I have an Ex who was not over his ex. It wrecked my head and he just wasn't willing to cut ties with her..they had no children. He still communicated with her like he cared deeply and wanted her safe. He confirmed her when she got jealous of me. Infact he attacked me when I expresses genuine frustrations at feeling in the shadow of the ex. I eventually found the texts that confirmed his head was in the past and I deserved a hell of a lot more than 2nd place. Shevdumped him due to cheating.

In your case with kids involved as long as you are included, respected and told the "crack" at all times. As long as you are in the know and there's clearly no emotional ties then I doubt it's much to fear. I took my children out with my ex this weekend so they can have a childhood. My best mate also was out with her ex this weekend with their kids. It's a common theme.

Ultimately though you need to feel happy and not be in a relationship if you feel those doubts creeping in.

@Lonelylonelylonely

Sounds like my ex. Broke up in april when I coukdnt take no more of his bluddy relationship with his ex..it was a massive insult to our future

@Cakeycrumbz I was just thinking the same. Mine broke up with me last week when I discovered he'd lied to me about who he was with and had been having a secret dinner with her. Like yours he got angry if I expressed any kind of frustration at the situation, including when he called me by her name when we were out with friends.

Yeah we argued over her all the time. I'm 6 months out and almost ok now. But it's been tough. So sorry its early days for you. How are you? Its not easy. But it makes no sense to settle for some half arsed effort.

@Cakeycrumbz not great to be honest. Still feeling very hurt and confused by the whole thing. I gave that man 2 years of my life, but there's a lot of stuff I don't think I'll ever have answers to.

I am very close friends with my ex who I have my first daughter with who’s twelve. We were together for 8 years. He has a partner and young son. I get on well with his partner also. It’s purely platonic and we wouldn’t spend time together but we do speak often and I would class him as a close friend, we have a really good co parenting relationship. I also have a partner.

My other daughters dad is an absolute nightmare though

@Cakeycrumbz

Same time frame as me too. Almostv2 years. Feel I've been used. He was always comparing us and messaging her for support. I ended up in therapy as he was horrible to me. But I'm determined now to find my happiness.

Why did him.and his ex split?

@Cakeycrumbz I'll pm you so as not to derail the OP's thread.

Ah no go ahead! It's all interesting