Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Am I being treated fairly

12 replies

Oakley10 · 26/09/2022 18:42

So my partner was asked by some close friends of hers it would be ok for her to house sit for a week and look after the dogs.

My partner asked me (we don't live together having been dating for a year, I spend plenty of time at her house) if I would like to join her I said at the time that would be nice.

I have never met her friends before so my partner said we have been invited over for dinner to spend the night to show us how their houses works( I believe this was for them to get to know as I was a stranger to them) Anyway myself and partner went over had dinner and plenty to drink. During the night my partner said to me Infront of the couple 'oooh you can work from home can't you so can always stay here and watch over the dogs oh and you have Thursday & Friday too so you could always walk the dogs can't you. At the time all four of us had quite abit to drink and I kinda went along with it.

So the run up to the week of looking after the house and dogs my partner and I had a little fall out, she was saying I don't want a future with her and her two children, I want to be the single guy with the sports car and my own house( my partner is 46 with two kids and I am 42 with no kids and never been married)
So that kinda made me feel tense about spending the week in someone else's house, one other thing is I have about a 20 minute walk to the office and this house my partner is looking after is about 35 minute drive to town. My partner said to me shall we take my car as it does my mpg then her car.

So cut along story short I got myself in abit of panic and bailed out on staying over for that week in my head my reasons were

I am spending a week in someone else's house ,I have only met once and if anything breaks I don't want to fall out with my partner over it.

I will be adding extra time on to me commute to work

I would have to use my diesel because my partners car does crappy mpg (she didn't offer fuel money)

My Thursday and Friday days off work are being scheduled by my partner. (Again we don't live together I have my own house responsibilities)

So a couple of days before the week at the house I said my partner I don't think I'll stay the whole week maybe just a couple of days. A few hours later see said do you want to stay over Wednesday and Thursday night as you don't want to stay the whole week.
Tbh I told my partner I'd rather not stay at all I am getting stressed out by it all.

My partner ended the phone call and hung on me. She said I was looking forward to spending the week together and you let me down.

As it currently stands she has dumped me and is questioning the relationship.

I have said to her maybe we should of had a private conversation about the weeks arrangements prior to staying over and not infront of her friends. So I we could of discussed the arrangements.

So my question is to you guys is am I right to be semi dumped over this

OP posts:

MintJulia · 26/09/2022 18:50

She shouldn't have assumed you wanted to spend your time there, look after someone else's dogs or drive because her car is greedy on fuel. She was thoughtless and a big presumptuous.

Having said that, she may just have been excited to spend a whole week with you and got a bit carried away.

But if you were very keen on your gf, I suspect you wouldn't mind about a few extra minutes commute and a bit of extra diesel.

I think she sounds disappointed & hurt, and you sound a bit relieved to be out of it.

ImpartialMongoose · 26/09/2022 18:57

This is the people pleasey sort of mess I would get into. When you were put on the spot you said yes to everything and then started to stress about it. I can understand why she was disappointed but it isn't a dumpable offense. You are allowed to go back on what you said when you were a bit drunk and put on the spot. But it sounds like it was the last straw for her, that she already felt insecure in your relationship. Is there any reason why she would feel that way?

Quveas · 26/09/2022 19:39

Maybe you should all stop drinking so much? Some growing up all around is called for.

And her friends need reliable people or kennels for their dogs. You can't just palm your responsibility for pets off onto random people with no real commitment

Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 20:28

Leave her be, and work yourself out.

Why did you go along with a bunch of plans you didn't want to do? It doesn't sound like you're on the same page as yourself, let alone with her.

Original poster

Oakley10 · 26/09/2022 20:58

Glad I am not the only one to get themselves in a tricky situation 😂

I don't think i give her any reason to feel insure. Myself and her and two kids and mum and dad all went out for our first family meal the weekend before this event. I spilt the bill with my girlfriend for the entire meal, I didn't know if I should just pay for myself. But I thought the honourable thing to do would be split it. So for her to blow me out is very upsetting. I think this is the first time I have really let her down in the year we have been together. So my gut feeling is she found it really upsetting

OP posts:

Original poster

Oakley10 · 26/09/2022 20:59

Good advice, walking away is not always that easy

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 21:01

So my question is to you guys is am I right to be semi dumped over this

Who do you think is the authority on what is right and wrong?

Original poster

Oakley10 · 27/09/2022 07:00

I don't think it's who is a question on who is right or wrong. I believe the key to a healthy relationship is communication and checking in with your partner every now and then.
Yes I feel rotten for changing my plans, however at the time I felt very bogged down by it all.

OP posts:

AiryFairyLights · 27/09/2022 07:07

Oakley10 · 27/09/2022 07:00

I think somehow there has been a massive breakdown in communication and you both need to sit down with a cuppa and talk everything through.
Best of luck @Oakley10

frazzledasarock · 27/09/2022 07:14

There’s clearly been a massive difference in expectation about your relationship.

you also sound a little bit scared about committing to the relationship and a ready made family.

i can actually see your point regarding suddenly being expected to take care of the dogs because you WFH a couple of days, using your car only when you normally walk to work without being offered money for fuel, being criticised about enjoying having your own house.

sounds like there’s a big imbalance between both you and your ex in terms of income too.

move on. You both aren’t compatible.

icelollycraving · 27/09/2022 07:25

I think you and her were going to be playing at living together with a couple of dogs.
She is probably humiliated that a week after you finally meet her kids, parents and friends, you’ve bailed. That must hurt.
If you were into her, a bit of extra commuting and petrol would not even be on your radar, unless money was extremely tight. The splitting of the bill seems fine, whatever works but is money one of your concerns? If she’s finished it, it’s a bit of a moot point.

Mindymomo · 27/09/2022 07:31

I would be pretty pissed off also. First you seemed happy to stay and commute, then you say, you’re happy to do 2 days, then you say you’d rather not stay at all. I think this has been an eye opener for her, someone who puts a few £ of petrol and 30 minutes of extra travel, over spending nice quality time together, it would be a goodbye from me also.

Flip