has anyone succesfully got dh to take more responsibility for dc's - after some tips

[AutumnMists]

My dh is away a lot, I work 4 days,take dcs to school every day, collect them 3 days and my mother does the other 2.

She has just been diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing chemo so i cannot be sure she can do it much longer; I cannot do it and carry on working the hours I do but can't afford to reduce my hours.

I am also feeling resentful that dh gets to go off gallivanting around the world at the drop of a hat, has a fantastic job he loves whilst i have taken a pay / responsibility cut to be able to work part time and sometimes get really frustrated by my job, plus i have all of the responsibility of the dcs

I have recently been diagnosed with deperession and my counsellor feels that this resentment and feeling trapped is a significant contributor so i have to deal with it - just not sure how (short of divorce which i really would prefer not to do) so would apreciate any tips

it really is worth a talk - i can fully symjpathise as this very problem has come our way recently.

i think what your dh must understand is that you have two jobs - you are a full time mum and you work 4 days a week too.

he has one job at this moment and by virtue f being a parent he needs to share the parenting role

say something like you recognise that he works longer hours and your not asking for a 50:50 split - but he needs to have some intervention here or else your going to dissolve under the weight and pressure of it all.

i think then there needs to be a seperate discussion regarding your resentment.

it seems from an outside persective that you need a life

just one thing a week thats yours alone make a pact with your dh that you will try to be less resentful of his job where he can meet wonderful people and see wonderful things - if he will do his fucking damndest to ENABLE you to have xxx time during the week to do xxxxx (whatever you chose)

are you able to find a good local child minder that will help with school pick ups and things,i have a great one,ds loves her to pieces and she really takes the pressure of with school (well pre-shool) pick ups and stuff..... cant be much help on the husband front as am single mum and failed utterly in the convincing the dad to take responsibility front. Good luck though and hope your mum gets through her treatment ok!

My dh travels. He's very helpful with dd but the fact is that if a parent travels you cannot rely on them for regular childcare and must have some other option. Is it realistic to ask him to stop travelling?

I will use a childminder when dd starts school and hope to be able to do 2 days myself. It is difficult to arrange and I'm anxious about my career prospects.

autumn - some of that sounds like ex and i many years ago. i used to work away most of the time and would swap jobs/location as often as i felt like it - or when i was offered more money. the thing is i did travel the country, earnt more than i could spend, and altho i had to be at work still had a lot of freedom. meanwhile my ex was, well, living like a single parent. had money, security etc but i left her to fend for herself and did feel jealous of my independence and freedom. i had no idea how much it got to her until long after she left. she was given meds for depression which i knew nothing about - we lived seperate lives most of the time and she simply couldnt talk to me. which is where i'm supposed to be heading - TALK to him, tell him everything. MAKE him understand how you feel. my ex couldnt - her therapist told her to write to me as she couldnt talk - she couldnt even do that - we let things go too far and couldnt do anything about it. it was 2 years after we split before she could tell me anything about it - too late sadly.

please talk to him - thats all you need to do, hope it works out.

Thanks all, I will have a go at talking to him but he never really listens, just hears what he wants

I think even if I did ask him to stop travelling it would not work - he loves his job and would make himself miserable in any other. I did try once and he got a job with what he assured me was less travelling but it did not feel like it and he was miserable so grumpy and it really was not worth it

He knows I am depressed but not how bad - when I try to tell him he does not beleive it, thinks i am winding him up!

Custardo - I have tried to get a life but every time I do I have to put it on hold because I cannot go out because dh is not here to look after the dcs

His job is important to him but him doing his bit to look after your children is understandably important to YOU. If he values your relationship some compromise would not go amiss.

Please talk to him. I'm not saying you should nag, but neither should you let the issue drop.

Could you afford a childminder?

autumn - can only stress the need to explain to him how you feel. and if you have the attitude that he's not going to listen before you even start then what do you expect?
my ex thought the same - thought i was too independent and capable to realise that she might not always be. one time she let slip was when a bill went unpaid - daft as it sounds. i asked why - the bank was only a couple of hundred yards from home - said she hadnt dared go. huh? i thought - is only down the road. obviously a warning i didnt spot and she didnt elaborate on.
so talk to him - dont nag - dont assume he wont eventually get it just because he doesnt now - i did, but not till it was too late.

Thanks all - I had a chat with dh and he did not relaise it had got so bad. he was and the first thing he said was that he would go away less often

Hope to think up strategies of how to deal with them in the mornings as that is the worst as i am definitly NOT a morning person!

Also plan to get more organised for meal times etc and do menus so I do not have to think when I have just got home from work and picked them up and they are tired and hungry, just put pre-prepared (cooking fest at weekends ) food in microwave - be interesting to see if it works!!!!

cool - well done autumn