Please help me with strategies to deal with negative conversationalist

[LazyDoll]

This possibly belongs in Stately Homes territory as I am having increasing difficulty dealing with by (D)M and her negative conversation streams.

We do not have the best relationship and haven’t for many years and I am becoming less and less tolerant of her negativity and although I have minimised contact over time there are unavoidable meet ups and I really need help on how to field conversation away from people I don’t knows ailments and general life misery.

I consider myself a kind and caring individual but I have a busy life, multiple children, a job and many interests and chose to see the world in an entirely different light to my M.

Her conversation brings me down, sucks the joy from the day and leaves me anxious and stressed. How do I change this so one conversation doesn’t overshadow my entire day? She doesn’t pick up on social clues of changing subject/brief answers/general disinterest!

I wish I had the answer and am following for the replies. I'm in the same situation with MIL. Your last paragraph is her to an absolute t. They're killjoys and leave me feeling like a grey cloud is over me and its so hard to shake off.
Hopefully someone has some advice soon....

Ah hi CeeBeeGee I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing similar issues but it’s nice to have someone (other than my sibling!) who understands 🙂

If you haven't already ,tell them they are always negative and it is off-putting. Sometimes people are just stuck in negativity out of habit but can stop. They may be like this because they feel miserable and cannot pinpoint/express why. Try sympathising -"Oh,dear, that is sad/awful". Add that it is depressing you and you need a cup of tea or something else to cheer yourself up. FInally,don't speak to them on your own. Easier to bear and keep in proportion if someone else is there. If phoning,put on loudspeaker and get on with intricate part of knitting or browsing Mumsnet.

Actually really helpful thank you. I love the sympathising but then reinforcing how it’s bringing me down.

If it was literally anyone else in my life I’d probably be able to deflect and steer away or even confront head on. If I do this with my M then all hell would break loose and I’d be the Worst Person In The World Ever for being so Rude and Inconsiderate.

I never speak to her on the phone. Learnt that lesson long ago! We also very rarely spend any time slo E with each other for the same reasons. I like to have back up/a wing person present at all times.

And now I’ve thought of it the latest incident my husband was working in another room and my kids were occupied elsewhere so there was no buffer/distraction which probably magnified it this time.

I have a dm like this and have become quite adept at briskly changing the subject. So il say "oh dear" and then just start talking about something else - I have a few subjects up my sleeve beforehand ready to bring up! Keep it bright and breezy. Or for instance if she talks about such and such dying il say something like "oh, it's sad but she was 88 and everyone has to die of something don't they?" And then change the subject!

Of course if she's really terrible you would be well within your rights to stop seeing her, no one has the right to make someone else feel miserable - and if you don't feel able to have an honest conversation with her it suggests she has a certain level of control over you even though you are an adult. Maybe rethink what you are getting out of the relationship?

Twaw you are right I think I need to woman up and just tell her straight. If she was a friend I’d have backed off long ago!

I work with someone like this. I find it very difficult and that’s in an environment that is easy to get away from her by having another meeting to go to etc.

Techniques - back up person is helpful and we have a code phrase that means “get me out of here!” Perhaps you could get your DH to come in after 10 minutes to ask for help with something. Or have a time you have to leave by that they remind you of repeatedly so you know there’s an end in sight!

We play misery bingo, or bet how many times the person will mention a particular thing/word etc

They are like a Dementor from Harry Potter. In the books they have chocolate to recover, and they counteract it with happy warm thoughts. Maybe reward yourself after seeing her in some way, and have some good memories or places you can remember in your mind when she’s talking to help you endure her company.

One person in our team who has the balls to do this basically says a positive point in reply to every negative one this colleague brings up. It’s risky but just highlights how bad the problem is as it gets more exaggerated as the conversation goes on. I would not recommend it myself. It’s a bit too full on for me.

My mum and dad are both like this, but with them it's mean spirited gossip and snide remarks about everyone and everything. Everyone on TV is made fun of, called fat, look at the size of her arse impressions of them if they are a bit camp - that sort of thing. If you say anything they go mad - "we're allowed opinions!". People in real life (even friends and family) get the same treatment, as soon as they think they are out of earshot - sometimes they aren't and it's even worse, toe curlingly embarrassing. With me they just criticise me to my face and if I object I'm too sensitive, it was just a joke. Which is always fun.

I don't know if they got worse with age or I just got old enough to see it for what it was and decided enough was enough. Bit of both most likely. I'd had it up to my eyeballs and I dont want it round my kids. I've been grey rocking for well over a year now. I don't react to anything they say whatsoever and I just change the subject or end the call. I cut contact down massively and don't really see them in person more than twice a year. They get only pertinent information from me, nothing about my day to day life. Simply because they would use it to criticise or try to exert control. They went absolutely nuts about me stepping back for a while but I stood my ground. I felt (feel?) guilty as hell but honestly my life is so much less stressful and negative without them. They are not happy now but they mostly keep it to themselves. What are you supposed to do with people like that? If they weren't my parents I'd never speak to them again. I completely feel your pain. I will tell you that I was terrified to step back but have been pleasantly surprised to learn 2 things. 1) the sky did not fall in when I didn't do what my parents wanted. I was scared to take the step but they did get used to it bc they had no choice, and 2) I really don't have to do what they want to do, and they can't make me. They have no power over me unless I let them. Madness that it took me til 37yrs old to figure that out but there you go.

Eatingjumper thanks for taking the time to write that it has also really resonates with me. My Dad just sits back and lets it all go over him. I guess years of living with my M have meant that’s how he deals with her. Very passive. Won’t speak against her ever. However awful she gets. The negative comments and judgements are totally her too. Very Daily Mail in her attitudes and expects everyone else to be the same. My sibling and I feel like every convo is an argument waiting to happen as obviously we rarely agree with that’s being discussed so it’s all very awkward.

Your strategies towards them are similar to how I cope too. Not heard the term grey rocking but that’s completely what I try to do too. Unfortunately mine rock up uninvited once a week as pass min home whilst pursuing one of their hobbies so it’s very hard to not see them. Do yours live locally to you? Do you have DCs?

RainbowShine

this is also really helpful and I like the misery bingo which I will save for special occasions like birthdays or Christmas. I may link it to drinking a cheeky gulp of gin as that may also ease the pain.

My mum can be a lot of fun but sadly we see that less and less now. I do like the counteraction also. Maybe ‘yes isn’t that awful about Jane’s cough. Aren’t we lucky to be healthy and do the things we enjoy. Btw how WAS ping pong last night’ or whatever….😂

I'm a natural eeyore. Its me. However I am aware of my negatively so I have one of my DD gives me a look when she feels im getting too much for others and I try and be jollier for that time. But its hard work and does drain me.

Its a personality trait, like extrovert and introvert. Talk to her, explain it drains you and come up with a code word for her to be jollier for that visit.

Was she always one to suck the joy out of a room or has it developed? I think it’s possible for some people to get stuck in a cycle of misery and they sometimes need to reboot their thinking a bit. Your course of action probably depends on whether she has always been like this or not.
Its emotionally draining to be around people like this so I feel for you OP.

Definitely got worse as she’s got older. She has a very full retired life. Is healthy and fit and active. Several grandchildren. So much to be happy about. Yet she dwells on any negatives. So odd. So draining. So not what I want myself or my kids to be around.

Yes, it's totally Daily Mail. Where I think parents should be teaching their kids tolerance, kindness, to be nice to others, my parents actually think the opposite is the way to be. My toddler is better behaved. I have 2 kids and I think it was having it around them that sparked action in me. We had an argument one day over them ringing me to talk shit about a single mum that they know of (I don't even know her), and when I objected it was all "well we're bloody paying for her!" and it was in front of my 3yr old son. I decided then and there that I'd had enough. It wasnt a big argument but it was the straw that broke the camels back. They never listen when I tell them to stop, or try to argue the point, so I've stopped trying. We've had a few conversations where I've explained to them why we are now LC and they don't take any of it in. They don't accept that they are this way, and Constantly say that they've apologised and so I should be over it. They haven't apologised, they can't even tell me what they apparently apologised for, and they refuse to repeat this famed apology. Like I said, my toddler can handle conflict better than they can. I don't live locally, which helps massively. However I still had to put my foot down and refuse visits to their face, which was very hard. I felt physically sick about it and as though the world would end. That's the conditioning that they've done since I was little. If you don't start somewhere nothing will change. If they always come past after one of their hobbies can you be "out" at that time for a while? Or lock the door and just don't answer. I'm serious. If they have a key, change the locks. If you want something to change but you don't want to just come out and tell them you want the relationship to change then you will have to train them out of it. Don't be in, don't answer the door. They can't make you. It's probably preferable to speak to them and say that you are taking a step back for a while because of A, B, C reasons, and that you do not want them to come round uninvited. You will contact them when you feel it is appropriate. They will be upset and probably kick off, but like I said in my op, the sky won't fall in. There is actually nothing they can do about it because you are not the child in this dynamic anymore. In the end I did it because I had to step up for my kids and not just passively allow this around them. In fact, I was sort of using them as a shield against my parents - here, speak to my children so I don't have to speak to you - which was absolutely terrible of me.

I disagree with a lot of the posts on here, I would just zone it out and work on yourself e.g. why does this get you down? I have someone in my life I refer to as a dementor as in they suck the joy out of the world but I have a strong patronus and it is fine to be around them.

I think it is healthier to learn to be less affected. We laugh about it with the children and say how glad we are not to be that way.

Trying to change other people is just a pointless power battle, IMO. The only options are minimising contact or zoning it out.

I had parents like this: critical, negative about everything to the point of paranoia, sucked the joy out of a room and expected everyone to be as miserable as they were. My mother also loved to gossip (even making up stories) and criticised everyone else, including her entire family.

Anyone who complained about the behaviour was called ''too sensitive'' or ''crazy''.

It really was unbearable to be around people like that and also they never change.

My actions were to move away from them as an adult and had low and then no contact to protect myself.

I feel for you...

EatingJumper I totally empathise with everything you’re saying. So much of what you say I can enormously relate too.

lannis I wish I could do this and I guess I’ve been trying to for about 30 years with no/limited success so I’m open to any and all suggestions at this point.

RedQueen definitely something I’ve deliberated!!! Maybe when the kids aren’t in critical stages of their education this will be the end game!!!

I would be open and let her know straightforwardly @LazyDoll . No need to be rude, just say you don't want to hear about things like that because you find it depressing. Keep saying it every time and eventually she'll hopefully STFU about it.

You could also write her an email/text and say you don't want to hear that stuff. People sometimes take things in writing more seriously.

My mum and I went on a trip and found we find different media fun/triggering, we both said so and then chose something that was a compromise and ok for both of us.