Am I just never going to get over my ex

[notagainman]

Bloody hell. I'm so frustrated.

Split up with a guy years back. It was one of those anxious (me), avoidant (him) situations that cost me years of therapy.

We stayed 'friends' after, basically which consisted of me mooning of over him to no avail...and eventually us sleeping together while I continued to pine for more. He always held steadfast that he never wanted to get back together.

Eventually he had the good sense to realise it was unhealthy and we didn't speak for about 18 months. I met someone else, we both got in with our lives.

After my last relationship ended, during those first really miserable post-break-up days, I dropped him a line. No excuses. I was vulnerable and sad.

We reconnected and our weird friends-with-benefits thing picked-up where it left off. The only good thing was that all my feelings for him were gone. I felt so proud that, despite the physical side of our relationship, we'd finally got to a place where we could be friends without me having feelings for him. I've often lauded it as a great 'success' story.

This wasn't me burying my head in the sand either, I was genuinely able to see him, spend time with him and even be physical with him, and not give it/him a second thought otherwise. The last time I saw him was literally a few days ago and I sat there and thought 'wow, who'd have thought it, 4 years on and here I am with no romantic feelings for you whatsoever'.

Except it was my nan's birthday at the weekend and he was in the same pub we were eating in, and came over and sat with us and spent the afternoon with us all. And every bloody feeling I had for him came back. It was like someone turned the clock back 4 years.

I cannot believe, four years on, I'm back here realising I have feelings for him. A matter of days ago I had looked at him and wondered what I'd ever seen in him!

I almost feel ashamed of myself.

Not really even sure why I'm posting other than to get it off my chest.

I have a similar experience. I am totally in love with my ex from years ago… except I’m not really.

We broke up years ago, but maintained a very “special” friendship consisting of us meeting up quite often for hours/days at a time, FaceTiming, sending long messages, talking at length about the breakup and mooning over it, him repeatedly telling me he regretted our breakup, him telling me he hadn’t move on etc etc

we never slept together in the years after our breakup, but we both obviously wanted to.

I think for me, I always felt “in love” with him when I felt lonely. Not in the literal sense, but more so like whenever I received bad news (health problems) or work was stressful or I lost someone close to me I just wanted to talk to him. Because it felt familiar, because it felt like he’d take care of me.

feelings “flooding back” suggest you might be similar OP.

(I replied once but it didn't seem to work!)

I was saying....

This is spot on. Any chance you know what the answer is??

For me, the only thing that ever helped was cutting all contact. It was really difficult and I really didn’t want to do it. But, I realised that I was mostly just living in the past - thinking about how great it would be if we could just get back together. We never did, and after years of on/off contact I just thought this can’t go on.

Perhaps very cowardly of me, I just blocked him after a short period of not talking. it was horrendous at first and I regretted the decision everyday, not so much now.

I realised he was a crutch, and that I just leant on him whenever I was sad, because hey he was being nice and it felt like my own little escapism with no responsibility or accountability. But it was still so lonely.

what I suggest is give it a few days. See how you feel at the weekend. If you still feel how you do now, have a conversation with him. Just say what you think of your situation with him - that it’s confusing or you have feelings or whatever. Because then it’s out in the open and it may force some finality of the whole thing. Perhaps he feels the same, perhaps not. Talking to him is your best bet.

or be a coward like me and block!

Spot on Zoozoop. I also went for the blocking option but not due to being a coward. Due to finding out that despite feeling we were best friends and emotionally intimate he had moved in with someone and was due a baby. It really hurt that he hadn't mentioned it once in all the times we met. I blocked him for a year then found all his messages (didn't realise samsung phones just store them). He was begging to be friends saying he missed me etc. It was so so hard but l said no we couldn't be friends. I knew l loved him and it would only bring me pain. I still sometimes miss him but the no contact has put it in the past where it will stay.
I think we sometimes trick ourselves into thinking we don't have strong feelings but if something happens the emotions can jump up and bite you like they have in your case. Be careful, protect your heart.

I'm 6 months single after a 20 month relationship with a man I truly loved with all my heart. He turned out to be a horrible pig really. But I still grieve and my heart still hurts and aches that a person I loved so deeply has gone. It's painful and sometimes like you I think when will these feelings die!

Absolutely we can trick ourselves into thinking we don’t have strong feelings for someone - it’s self preservation! Just as it’s self preservation to keep contact with someone with whom it’s easy to get on with.

If I was in the same position again, I wouldn’t accept the scraps I was being offered.

i read this somewhere: Sometimes they dont even love you, they just know you're a good person and they would hate to see you loving another the way you loved them