How do you repair after a huge row ?

[eurodam]

I've had many experiences.
My exh will not speak to me nor me him for a day or two and then it was over and done with, never dealt with.
I have a habit of not dealing with my feelings about things, expecting the other to read my mind, making assumptions and then losing my cool when expectations aren't met.
Current partner goes into a hole and won't talk until he sees through the fog which drives me crazy. I like things sorted there and then.
Any tips that would help to repair on a more mature constructive way for both of us ?
Thanks for reading.

Sit down, no distractions and talk

We can't give you tips on better communication, when he's the one who refuses to talk.

You have to either be ok to wait, or he has to talk sooner. Or both get closer to a middle ground.

Will he talk to you about improving conflict resolution style? If not, you're wasting your time.

He is open to change but it is so ingrained. It seems insurmountable.

Honestly, I think the difference in communication approach is the least of you're worries. If you're having that many huge rows that this is something you need to address, rather than something that happens every few years, then you should be re-evaluating the relationship overall.

Your

Sorry, what's ingrained? His behaviour or yours?

I think it's ingrained in him.

But your behaviour isn't ingrained in you? So you could give him the time he needs and decide not to be driven crazy by it?

It looks like you're trying to blame him for a dynamic you're both creating. Get rid of blame. You're different. Neither of you is right or wrong. If you insist on seeing it as 'He's messing up our recovery from arguments', and his behaviour is ingrained, then the two of you are incompatible. If you can see it as 'We communicate differently, how do we find a way that works for us both?', you may have a chance to resolve it.

This may be relevant:

www.theschooloflife.com/article/the-challenges-of-anxious-avoidant-relationships/

Thanks@Watchkeys

In the early days of our marriage, my husband would clam up and not discuss stuff after an argument. He would ignore me. I know his mum used silence as a weapon against his dad on occasion when he was growing up.

So I said to him one time "if you think I'm going to go through my married life with you blanking me every time we argue, you've got another time coming. You need to communicate with me because this is unhealthy. So, you better get talking about what the problem is."

It worked and he's never done it again. I wiykd just say to him that it's not healthy and if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he can't ignore you because you won't stand for it.

How many big rows are you having that this is even an issue? If they're regular then I don't think it's a healthy relationship to be in I'm afraid.

We've had two in two and a half years.

So you're saying he likes a bit of time after a row before he's ready to talk, but then he does talk, and this has happened twice in 2.5 years?

Why is it bothering you so much?

Because I've no idea how to handle it. He literally shuts down and disappears for a few days.
I hate shouting and drama but the need is in me to sort things whereas his need is to disappear and I feel ignored and rejected .

Yes, but twice in an otherwise happy relationship? Surely you can accept that comparatively tiny sliver of time, given that you know he'll come to you and talk eventually?

Whose need is more important to you, yours or his? And if he told you he could never change, would you leave him?

I'm confused if this has only happened for a couple of days every year as to why this is at the forefront of your mind and a major concern? It's not ideal, sure, but there must be more issues for you to have this on your mind?

Is it that in reality you're incompatible / unhealthy in day to day communication as well as during arguments?

I find it absolutely frustrating , soul destroying and really really disrespectful because essentially he is ignoring me until HE decides he's ready to engage

Right, so you think he's disrespectful to you. That's a whole different matter. Have you told him that?

You both have issues regarding communication you need to deal with. I suggest couples counselling to get to the bottom of it and find solutions

Why do you consider his silence to be about YOU and YOUR self esteem?

Why isn't it about his need to process the argument?

What can you do to respect him and his coping strategies?

I sometimes find it to be a form of punishment .
Couples counselling sounds like a good
Idea

OP it’s certainly worth explaining to him how you feel and see if he does it next time or not. However, from my experience the change is temporary, and the time for him to “process” the argument lasts longer as time goes on.
I agree that it’s frustrating and makes you feel very undervalued and disrespected. The longer you’re together the worse it makes you feel. So if you talk it through with him and he still does it again, then it may be best to walk away rather than have years of it