Husband gaming on our family holiday - feel like I could cry

[TeenyQueen]

Just that really, DH had been playing this online game on his phone for about 2,5 years now and plays it every day. He's got a very esteemed professional job and is hard working etc. He plays this game every day whenever he can but he will help with the children and does house work etc.

BUT, we're on our first family holiday with a baby and a toddler and H I'd on his phone the whole frigging time! Breakfast, waiting for the lift, playing by the pool, lunch, you get the picture! He will help me with the children if I ask but I am so so sick of it! Fair enough we're on holiday and he wants to relax, but he looks like some nerdy teenager rather than a respectable father of two, I'm almost ready to go home and we only just arrived!

Yes I've spoken to him about it and I'm going to ask him to leave his phone in the apartment during dinner tonight. He says he's not addicted...

Sorry for all the exclamation marks.

I could have written this. My husband is the same. Tbh I'm sick of it but he refuses to do anything about it.
If he wakes in the night the first thing he does is check his game.
You have my sympathies x

Sorry I cant help as I am probably your husband in this scenario, I do understand how time consuming these games can be so you really do have my sympathy.

@ZeroFuchsGiven do you game when your children are around (if you have children)? I'm not even that bothered about myself, it's the fact that he can't interact with the children if his face is constantly in his phone. What kind of example does that give to his children?

Its a bit different for me as all my children are older, 25,20,16 and 14 but even then no I dont just ignore them or my huband but I know I spend far too much time on the game than what I should, like setting my alarm for events through the night etc.

What game is it btw?

You need to divide things up so you both get free time to relax.

Its no good you doing everything and him “ helping you “ when asked. You need to give him sole charge of the two children while you go off and do something alone. Eg a swim, get a massage, go to a local cafe with a book.

You need to actually go away, don’t try to swim while he plays with the kids in the shallow end or read a book on the bedroom Balcony while he puts the kids down to sleep. If you do that he will constantly ask you to help him, send the toddler to get you or say that the baby only wants you.

That way you can both have 3-4 hours off each day . If he wants to spent his time on his phone, thats up to him.

I know that doesn’t solve the rest of the time when you are both sharing parenting duties. But at least you will feel less stressed if you have some time to yourself.

We're both huge gamers but we set aside screen free time each day. In fact on holiday is one of the few times we don't really game at all. I don't think our phones ever leave our backpacks during the day.

That would drive me nuts. How the hell can an online game be more important to him than his family? and on your first family holiday!

Ok, so he likes his game and he can indulge in that in his spare time. On holiday with his wife, baby and toddler is not his spare time! his priorities are really not ok here, I really feel for you.

Quite honestly having your head in your phone for the duration of a holiday with a partner is shit enough, but when you add in kids, its just plain selfish.

What is the actual point of him coming on the holiday if he is just going to game the whole time? I'd ask him exactly why is this game more important to him than his family, and can't he see how stupid he looks sitting by the pool ignoring his kids and wife?

It actually reminds me of a scenario I saw in August when I was away with my dp and dc. There was a young couple, i'd say very early 20's in the same hotel, and he was glued to his phone every time we saw them. Even at dinner, he would sit there on it and she would be looking bored as hell, occasionally trying to strike up conversation. I felt so bad for her. I just remember thinking what the actual fuck is wrong with him? He has a completely gorgeous woman sat across from him, and he hasn't so much as glanced at her once in the last 20 minutes because hes fixed to his phone.

I'd just straight up tell him 'no gaming, we are on a family holiday'. He accepts on or he can fuck off home.

I game, I can sometimes be addicted to games...but my responsibilities come first. And no way would I game on holiday and be such a bad example to my kids.

Throw his phone in the bloody pool!! This would drive me insane.

My ex was massively into pokemon go. Would be on the game whenever we went out.

I tolerated going for walks where the specific arrangement was for him to play pokemon go, but I found it hard when we were doing something different and he was STILL playing pokemon. I felt like I was making accommodations for his game by going on pokemon walks, but he couldn't compromise when we went out to the pub / day out etc. It was relentless. He arranged our other plans around the game. He was late to my best friends wedding reception because he was playing a community day on pokemon.

It became a massive turn off . I think it contributed to the end of our relationship.

I don't think your DH will change, unless he has a serious kick up the bum . He is in denial about being addicted.

Is it actually affecting you and the children - e.g. he's ignoring you or refusing to go out because he wants to play - or are you just ashamed of what other people think when they see him?

I had to quit the one I played cold turkey one day. I realised I was addicted and at risk of spending money on it, something I just don’t do. It was weird and I’m still drawn back but I’ve not played in two years. I’m very glad I could recognise I was getting too into it.

maybe your husband needs to acknowledge his addiction 😕

I have to watch myself to stop myself doing this. If I didn’t have DH or DC I’d probably waste my life on these pointless things, as it is I do it too much but I do try to save it until after DC have gone to bed at least and would never do it while at a meal or something.

I would say that when I start playing games I never intend to spend as long as I do. You justify it to yourself by saying it’ll only be five minutes and then suddenly an hour’s gone… many games are purposely designed to keep you playing in this way - so I don’t think he’s necessarily a horrible person who intentionally prioritises his game over you or the kids. He just needs to think about what he’s doing.

That said, I do think gaming can get a bad rep and you’re post suggests you’re embarrassed because you don’t respect his hobby and wonder what other people will think rather than just because it’s impacting you. If you called me a “nerdy teenager” because of playing games it’d make me dig my heels in and carry on and think you didn’t “get it” rather than making me want to listen to or help you.

You need to be clear (if you haven’t been already) how much it upsets you. And point him at something explaining the impact on children of parents always being on their phones rather than paying attention (whether they are gaming or something else).

Are you married to my DH? He does it without thinking really. Anytime he has more than about 2 seconds free, he'll get his phone out and start playing. I mainly ignore it but it does drive me mad at times especially when he's supposed to be supervising DS and he's not paying him any attention.

Dump him! It’s only going to get worse as the kids get older. Find a man that’s more engaged in the present.

I’d leave him with the dcs on his own whilst you go and do what you want (incl relaxing near the pool or whatever).
if he is taking time iff for himself leaving you looking after the dcs on your win, then it’s only fair he does the same for you, right?

This might be enough to make him realise he needs to change his behaviour.

I think we are going to see the effects of parents like this in the future. Kids will just remember parents staring at phones.
I'd tell him straight OP. Pack it in and engage in the family holiday or bog off home!

God, he sounds extremely boring. How sad to ignore your children on a holiday in favour of a game! I'd tell him it needs to stop, you're on holiday and want him present and helping with the I. Presumably he's the same at home?

Just curious but would you be as annoyed if he was spending similar time browsing Reddit or Mumsnet?

@Lpc3 if he was spending every spare (and not so spare) minute on his phone aimlessly browsing a website yes I'd be extremely annoyed. There is a difference though between gaming and just browsing, because DH becomes completely immersed in a live game and it's very difficult for him to suddenly put his phone down. If you're simply browsing there's nothing stopping you from taking your eyes off the phone. We've had incidents in the past where I've asked him to change the baby's nappy for example and 10 min later he still hasn't done it because he's gaming.

But, after I really lost it with him yesterday he has stepped up and stopped gaming around the children and at meal times. I don't mind what he does when we're relaxing without the children, but when they're around their needs come first. He was making a big effort with this today and I feel happier about it.

DH plays a mobile game. I just take the piss that it’s shit as a mobile game. I’m a clan leader and get to boss about 50 men as am in charge of disciplinary issues on a hardcore console/pc game. He only pops on for 30 mins a day and by agreement when we are away. What your DH is doing is unacceptable and I say that as a lifelong gamer.

There was one attempt at gaming at the table many years ago, it didn’t go down well.

Hi OP - that’s a promising update. Also - MN has taught me many things including that parents don’t “help” with their own children. They either parent or they don’t. I think if you stop thinking of it in terms of him helping you and insist he thinks of it as either parenting or not parenting that will also shape up his thinking.