Family who don’t bother to message or check on you

[Misparkle]

I’m really sick of one sided expectations. I’ve noticed it a lot recently and I’m a bit confused about what these people actually expect!

Some examples:

My family always used to moan that they miss me, don’t see me much when we meet up. I’ve been trying to make effort and I always message them first to ask how they are, to suggest meeting up or popping over for coffee. They are busy which is fair enough I work full time too but am free on weekends. BUT… then I hear nothing back. My inbox is literally me messaging everyone and making effort but I never receive that first text message or phone call to reach out. Then when we do meet up usually at family events they say how much they never see me and we should meet up for dinner, drinks, coffee. Never happens. Is it some kind of game? Even just a text message would be so lovely. I just want to know does this happen to other people? Next time they complain I will say the phone works both ways.

Next time they complain I will say the phone works both ways.

Yes, do this

Them: “aww we miss you, not seen you for ages”

You: ”you know where I am, we’re often free at weekends so let me know when you next want to get together”

or

You: “thanks, you too” and just leave it at that.

Yup. My birth family are crap, I got over it years ago, though they don’t moan about not seeing me - that would be annoying! Just stop reaching out.

Let them come to you

Your family take you for granted in this respect. You have every right to feel disappointed that they don't reciprocate your efforts.

What would happen if you you mentioned how you felt? Would they ignore it or step up? How about when they tell you how nice it would be to meet up, if you responded with 'sounds lovely. I'm free most weekends and I'll leave it to you to organise'? Have you tried that response?

FWIW - I had similar with mine. When I stopped making an effort, we only met up usually at Easter and Christmas (arranged and hosted by me). Then they would moan that it was me not making an effort!!!?!! Unfortunately, then when I had a major setback in my life, they really couldn't be bothered even then to ask me how I was. So I've decided to just let it go and accept that they are just paying lip service and don't really mean when they say ask about meeting etc. I think some people like to say these things to make them feel good but not actually want to really act on it.

I can really sympathise with this OP. I see things on facebook where my brother and sisters in Bristol have done this and that together and I never get a lookin. After 20 years of trying I'm fed up reaching out to them now. Shame our children have grown up not knowing their cousins. The only thing you can do is immerse yourself and concentrate on your immediate family. I hear people saying "well it's their loss" but it's yours just as much! That's why it continues to hurt.

I am apparently responsible for contacting every member of my family except one of my brothers, who will occasionally contact me. My mum makes a virtue of this by saying "I know you're busy, I don't want to bother you" etc, but I've heard her with her friends all agreeing their children never call them. They all 100% rely on their children to call them!

Thank you for sharing your stories x

Op with respect why are you carrying on doing all of the running?
Why?

What they are doing is gas lighting pure and simple.

They make no effort with you whatsoever, but say I miss you and love you etc it is disingenuous. If they really missed you, they would organise a date and come and see you.
It is fake.
I often find those types of messages are supposed to replace real love, attention and time, and I don't appreciate them at all.

Stop messaging everyone. Stop now and let them start making an effort. If they don't then you know where you stand op. I would invest in friends and other family members that are committed to a real and loving friendship/relationship.
I would stop making the effort immediately.

Siblings don’t bother with me unless they want money. They are 10 years younger than me so I know they are immature and hopefully will learn in time

cousins aunts/uncles are the worst. I’ve not got one single message from them first, only happy birthday on Facebook or congratulations when I got engaged etc.

my mother is something else entirely and I’m very LC with her.

just sick of it… I’ve got so much to give… I would be a great friend and I really would do anything for the people I care about. Just a shame when you don’t even get a text message every now and again. My husbands family video chat him every other day… they live in different countries and they still make the effort to check on eachother. They ask about me more than my own family do.

i genuinely feel so isolated I barely have a relationship with my siblings. It’s so awkward and I try my best but things have been difficult. My father is in prison and is pure evil, our grandparents are all dead. I’ve got no children of my own because I’m so afraid to have any due to how my parents have treated me. I know that sounds odd… but it messes with your head. When you have been abused and abandoned some people are afraid to have children of their own. This is bad because I will always feel lonely in a way. I have my husband luckily… probably the only person I have who genuinely cares about me.

I'm glad I found this it's the same for me I'm always there for them when they need me I'm always the first to contact sometimes I don't get replies it's always me that asks to see them I get told they are busy but they aren't busy to meet up with each other I'm not included and though I'm always there for them when they need me they aren't for me even on social media they ignore me and talk with one another I'm all through trying I was used as a scapegoat by them to ... They accused me of causing all family problems and I can honestly say that I didn't my elder sister told my kids I caused all family splits but I didn't . She is a drunk and heavy drug user who left her kids ...I have closed down social media deleted all there phone numbers I'm all through trying I'm sure if any of them are in need of something they will contact me ...that's when I will hear from them again...and when they do i. Might do what they do and just ignore them or say I can't help or I'm too busy.

Definitely say that about a phone working both ways. I once explained to someone that the distance from my house to hers was the same as from hers to mine (I was always expected to go to her).

I’ve no idea why people say these things but never follow up on it. It’s as if they are being gracious by suggesting that at some point you might be spared some of their time when they don’t have more important things to do. Why not just say, “It’s lovely to see you again.” and leave it at that? That’s nice and it’s honest. At least the other person won’t anticipate meeting up with them at any time soon.

I hear people saying "well it's their loss" but it's yours just as much! That's why it continues to hurt.

I totally get this!

I find if you call people out nothing changes.

Mine often say ‘You haven’t visited’.
It’s ALWAYS me that goes to them, they’ve never been to my new house since I got the keys and I still live very local to them (5 min by car/bus). If I don’t go there I don’t see them at all.

I had surgery and one made empty comments about coming to see me - they drove miles away to see another family member instead so that hurt. Since then I have cut back my effort.

In my experience women like you make lovely parents. You go out of your way to give DC the childhood you never had.
The rest you have to decide if it's worth it. I love my siblings but I'm definitely the organiser and the one who does the contacting. At least then I do it on my terms.

I think its like that with most people now. Family, Friends. It seems people just cant be bothered these days tbh. People stay in their own little family circles and forget about you. I have No siblings, parents passed on. Have not seen whats left of family for years. All my cousins all had siblings and each other and stay in their own circles. Since I am odd one out I got pushed out. Plus they are all 20 yrs plus older then me so the age gap too. I would have liked a better family, but it is what it is and unfortunately, we cant change it. There are times I feel alone and know that if hubby go before me that No one will really care or be there for me. But aint nothing much I can do about it. Some of us get the sh** end of the stick I guess. I always really hated being an only child. You are left to get on with it alone with No brothers or sisters around. Mine dont say they miss me. I am invisible to them, the ones that are left that is. Very self centered...

I don’t think anyone is saying that the two things aren’t true, but hurt is a feeling, it won’t actually harm us and the problem is that when we carry on going back, fawning and trying to get their attention it just leaves us stuck and feeling resentful.

match their energy is a cliched but useful phrase.i am trying to do this with my mum who makes no effort at all it’s really hard - but suppose positively she also doesnt say I never see you or try and lay a guilt trap, she just doesn’t care!