Still in a marriage which ended 4 years ago and depressed.

[Butterie]

I decided in September 2018 that I hated him. We had a 4 month old baby and a 3 year old at the time and I came to see that I was nothing more than a resource to him. He wasn't treating me as a person who mattered. I was weak, exhausted and totally uncared for by anyone, but especially him.

At the time, I couldn't leave him as I had nowhere to go and I wasn't happy to share my very young children with him- I didn't trust him to meet their needs adequately when I wasn't there and I knew that he would fight me for 50/50.

So I stayed and planned to leave him as soon as youngest DC started school.

She started school this month after 4 years of living as housemates. I dropped all expectations of him in terms of a relationship 4 years ago and treated him as a colleague- the way I realised, he treated me. I drew up charts of his jobs and my jobs because he wasn't taking advantage of me anymore and made sure I got time off, even if I just lay in the bath for half a day. I showed him that i was important too, even if he failed to realise it. But in the process of rebelling for equality and freedom, I fell completely out of love with him. Ive told him several times that I plan to leave him in 2022. He panicked and suggested we went to relationship counselling but it wasn't successful and it became clear that his special interests, his job etc were more important to him and that he very much struggles to empathise with me at all.

Yes, I do suspect ASD and so did a psychotherapist he saw shortly afterwards, but this is a side issue as the impact on me remains the same. He remains undiagnosed. I have support with this for myself.

My youngest child is devastated at starting school and struggling with lots of emotions, so now doesn't feel a good time to separate. But also, he decided he hates his job and took a massive demotion and is telling me now that we can't split because we can't afford to run two separate houses. I work part-time in a job I love and have asked for full-time hours to support me and the children but they don't have anything. I literally can't find anything in my field of work for 2 consistent days a week to top up my hours. I don't know if I can support us financially on part-time hours, very little maintenance from him and a bit of government support. Particularly in the current climate as he keeps reminding me "you can't separate during a cost of living crisis." 😣

So after 4 years of waiting, planning, working things out. I don't think I can do it. I think I'm stuck. And a big part of it also is that I'm used to this, after 4 years I've become numb to this transactional, pragmatic, housemate set up that we have. Yet I know it's unhealthy! And I crave physical and emotional intimacy so much. I've found ways of coping through friends, meet ups, gym and yoga and it's like I'm used to it. But if I'm honest, I'm totally depressed. I can't believe that this is my life. He is content as housemates and refuses to move out, I have no family here so nowhere to go.

Is this it? Am I stuck now?

But also, even if I CAN get out, I'm not sure I have the motivation to leave. I just feel numb and I'm pretty sure I'm depressed.

What should I do?

You need to tackle your depression first. Your post is almost a persuasive text about the reasons you CAN'T leave right now. Speak to a GP about your depression, and get that under control asap. Then leave, if that's really what you still want. I don't think anyone can tell you what the right thing to do is, but if you still want to leave, you are going to have to find that within yourself. But make sure your head is in a good place first. Good luck x

Thanks.
I've been in counselling since I came to this decision 4 years ago and at one time when I've felt low she has mentioned "situational depression" as she believes this is caused more by the situation I'm in than anything clinical. I guess if that's true then the only way to make it go away would be to leave him but then it becomes a viscous cycle.

You should do an online benefits check to find out how much UC you would be entitled to to top up your income. UC can pay towards rent so find out a typical price for a 2 bed place in your area and put that into the calculator. This will give you a financial baseline to work with.

At the same time get on your council housing list, talk to your housing office about what (if any) options might be available to you if you leave. Some councils have schemes to provide a bond in relation to private rental deposit etc

if your husband won’t engage re child maintenance just make a claim online with CMS

You definitely can make this move. Why allow him to dictate whether you can or cannot?

Although make sure any calculator is up to date given changes planned

What about exploring other avenues to top up your income? Could you freelance? Could you do something in a different industry?

It sounds dreadful OP, so sorry you are going through this. I think for your own mental health you need to get out, regardless of the financial consequences. I wonder whether your STBEx deliberately wanted to trap you by changing his job? Please don't let him. You don't want to be trapped forever and this situation is no good for you, or him, or the children. Good luck

Of course you'll be depressed after putting up with things for so long.
I think you've just got to prepare and leave. Change jobs to a full time one.
And stop warning him or telling him you're leaving. He'll just try to sabotage it.

I feel like I'm sleep walking into this OP

I recognise the acceptance of the housemate marriage OP. For various reasons, I've been in one for 5 years. I went through a very tough time last winter, and his dependability and steadiness was such a comfort I'm seeing our relationship in a different light. Nothing has changed, but instead of thinking about how to manage leaving, I'm just getting on with it. Not the same as your situation, but I just wanted to say I know what you mean. Possibly, if the time isn't right to leave now, it will be OK to stay a bit longer and see if things evolve.

There's no way I would leave my job @madasawethen it really is the one part of my life that I love. After years of hating jobs I just couldn't give it up as I hear from so many people who hate their work. I feel like it's the one thing I got right.

I do think that part of changing his job was that too @Igmum

Stop listening to him telling you that you can’t split now.
I think he changed his job to trap you. File for divorce on line and move on.

Have you been saving in the last 4 years to give yourself a nest egg to start again?

Just ensure you're not catastrophising, especially your child at school, they might struggle to adjust due to longer hours but they will cope.

Work out a budget, going from one household to two is always difficult but you can rebuild finances. It just takes acceptance that you'll have a lower standard of living. Take a stock check on finances, look at pensions and see if that means you can have more equity.

There are always way to separate so take some steps and gradually the picture becomes clearer.

I am 62 and have been living like this for 10 years. Stupidly I agreed to leave London for the South Coast 5 years ago to give it one last throw of the dice. Big mistake. I am homesick and miss my longterm friends. I can't afford to go back now. I don't hate it here but I dislike him intensely.

The point of my self pitying post is to urge you to leave him asap. The longer you stay the more entrenched the depression becomes. I have been seriously ill. You are young enough to find a new life for yourself and your children. You will find a way financially. Xxxx

Thank you all. I'm so sorry @Suburbanqueen that you're so unhappy i just want to say that you have time to be happy too... don't give up.

It's just so hard as I've gone from living this way as a coping mechanism to it being my normal! He's actually not a bad housemate- he does his chores now and takes on a fair share of the childcare I just feel absolutely nothing for him romantically at all and I am ready and craving for a loving, intimate relationship again. I can't have that with him though. He told me once that he sees sex as a private independent act- basically he prefers masturbation over sex.

I've given up on trying to train him to be in an intimate relationship. It's not something he'll ever really want or be able to do. I don't know why he pursued me in the first place.

But 4 years of having him as a housemate has taught me to appreciate his superficial conversation. He's fairly steady and will chat about boring, everyday stuff. He's become like a brother to me and I'll be sad when we part ways in some respects but I know this can't go on, it's not healthy.

Im 36.

OP - you’re not alone. I live as housemates with my DH too.