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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother has gone NC with me

12 replies

WetLettuce2 · 26/09/2022 09:09

I have ongoing issues with my DM - she’s quite controlling and can be verbally abusive (was physical when I lived at home). We get on ok most of the time, although have had periods of no contact in the past 2 years after rows (which by & large come from nowhere). Being NC with her makes me physically ill and I don’t like the effect it has on my DC so I now won’t argue at all and keep things low key and pleasant between us, with some contact and that has been better although I can see it annoys her.

I called at her house last week. Everything was very pleasant and we went out for a lovely walk. It ended well, no drama, nothing. She hasn’t picked up any of my calls since. I’ve messaged her asking her why and can see she’s read it but hasn’t answered. I can see her on line but still no response in over a week. I saw her from a distance in town Saturday- she looked fine.
I genuinely don’t know what I’ve done, or what to do now ! Any advice welcome ☹️

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 26/09/2022 09:11

I wouldn't do anything at all. I wouldn't contact her again and I would leave it up to her. I wouldn't look at her social media or check when she was last on WhatsApp or anything like that. That's exactly what she wants you to do. Just carry on living a lovely life and taking no notice of her. She's doing the equivalent of a toddler tantrum. She won't have any reason other than she suddenly decided to make you suffer.

dementedpixie · 26/09/2022 09:13

Stop contacting her. She is manipulating you and you are giving her attention for it

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2022 09:16

Your mother is the kind of person who simply can't allow things to be normal or other people to be happy. She has to cause drama and trouble at other people's expense.

I'd be leaving her well enough alone if I were you, permanently. How much of this shit are you willing to take?

ugifletzet · 26/09/2022 09:22

Have you had any therapy over this? It's not NC that's making you physically ill, it's that you're frantic to please and placate an abusive parent and you don't know how to live without putting her at the centre of your life. I was similar with an abusive partner, and trauma therapy was liberating for me. You have to consider what message you're sending to the DC as well - at the moment you're inadvertently teaching them that the best response to cruel behaviour is to be a doormat.

CPL593H · 26/09/2022 09:26

After nearly half a century of drama my mother went NC with me for the last time, at a particularly awful point in my life (serious diagnosis for my husband, who later died) There had been no row, I repeatedly tried to contact her, she just stopped communicating. She lived 100s of miles away, nothing going on had the slightest impact on her and to this day I don't know what her reason was. She died around a decade later, estranged from all 3 of her children. By that point, it barely affected me.

If you can get past the lingering guilt that somehow all this is on you and not her, your life will get better. Your children shouldn't be exposed to it either. For now, I would just leave her to it and think hard about whether having her in your life is really the best thing for you.

Dery · 26/09/2022 09:26

What everyone else said. Your mum is being ridiculous. This is about her not you and is not how an emotionally healthy person behaves. Don’t feed her drama - ignore her.

BudgetBlast · 26/09/2022 09:33

ugifletzet · 26/09/2022 09:22

Have you had any therapy over this? It's not NC that's making you physically ill, it's that you're frantic to please and placate an abusive parent and you don't know how to live without putting her at the centre of your life. I was similar with an abusive partner, and trauma therapy was liberating for me. You have to consider what message you're sending to the DC as well - at the moment you're inadvertently teaching them that the best response to cruel behaviour is to be a doormat.

Yes this. This is a common enough dynamic. There is another thread where they are referring to it as the “main character” in a family but it is really just a narcissist family system. Dr Ramani on you tube is an expert, or the crappy childhood fairy and Patrick Teahan. They all really help to understand what you are experiencing which then ultimately helps you to deal with it.

justasking111 · 26/09/2022 09:36

Enjoy the peace. Block her on your phone, get therapy there's a lovely thread running on here as
Come join in you're not alone

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4637853-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers-support-for-their-victims-thread-2?page=4&reply=120279358

sanityisamyth · 26/09/2022 09:38

Just ignore her! Delete her SM from your accounts and block her number. Take back the control.

Original poster
WetLettuce2 · 26/09/2022 09:42

Thank you for the replies - it’s so isolating as I would never discuss it IRL with anyone, and never did as a child.
I will look up the other thread x

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 26/09/2022 17:39

For your own sanity just ignore her. You tried and she is head wrecking you x

Literallyhay2022 · 26/09/2022 21:33

My moms like this, I can contact her and she just ignores me, never rings, barely texts and just in general can’t be arsed.. I can’t keep going on like this I’ve affecting my mental health and it’s getting me down. Time to move on I think i know the problem is her not me, she’s even worst since my dad pass away.. as now she don’t drive well won’t drive I should say..

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