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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t know what to do.

12 replies

PurpleBex35 · 25/09/2022 23:52

im After some advice on a situation that’s currently getting me down. This is my 1st post and after some honest but kind guidance as I’m struggling to work things out in my head. I’ve been dating this guy for nearly 3 years and it’s come with a lot of ups and downs he has serious mental health problems and other things going on He’s very very sensitive and takes things to the extreme and Even tho I’ve been supportive and been helping him get the help he needs I’m still always the bad guy.
a few months he lost his job his life has been spiralling out of control lately and he opened up that he had an alcohol and gambling problem. I knew something wasn’t right as he was always itching to get home and never had any money I raised my concerns but he made me think it was all in my head and there was nothing going on. I even tho I was upset he had been lying to me I supported him and stood by him roll on 7 weeks later and he’s lost the new job he has for drinking on shift after promising me that he wasn’t drinking any more even swearing on mine and my daughters life that he had stopped and was getting help. It’s now 3 weeks since he lost the job and I’ve been finding it difficult im upset and haven’t been dealing with it to well but he refuses to allow me to be upset with him he’s told me that I need to get over myself and move on and has now not spoken to me for 2days because I’ve been upset and mad at him. I’ve given him so much love and support over the years and to see him being so cruel to me is hurting.
i feel he’s in the wrong for lying but I’m the one in the dog house and I’m being punished. He hasn’t responded to my lovely message I sent him 2days ago and I just don’t get what’s going on. I need some advice.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 25/09/2022 23:55

My advice is: dump this train wreck of a man. Let him ghost you if that’s what he wants. End it and move on. It’s an absolutely tragic waste of your time, love, and resources.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/09/2022 23:55

He doesn't want your help. Save your love, support and lovely messages for a healthy, reciprocal relationship rather than a project. 💐

petpig · 26/09/2022 00:00

I would let go at this point. I appreciate it's not easily done but you and your daughter owe this man nothing and it sounds like he doesn't have any capacity for love or a normal relationship as he's consumed by his addictions

onemorerose · 26/09/2022 00:03

I know it’s hard after so long together but don’t make any more contact with him, he has handed you a get out on a plate, take it!
From what you have posted he sounds like too much hard work, why would you put yourself and your child through this, it sounds like she’s not his daughter. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak if you let him back into your life.

wishesandkisses · 26/09/2022 00:23

It sounds like hes buying his head in the sand.. its much easier to point the finger in another direction in the mirror. You sound such a lovely caring person and he is using that to his advantage to let you believe you're wrong. Know your worth girl. There is probably a wonderful side to him but it sounds like the bad side probably has a bigger hold of him now and he's not bothered to change it.

Go find someone whose worth your time, who knows how lucky they are to have you. It will be hard at first but in a year you'll look back and think thank god that I cut loose before he took all my self esteem and more.

You're worth more x

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2022 00:39

You should have dumped him years ago, and you should be thinking about this toxic disaster that you are allowing to be in your child's life.

It is a no-brainer to get rid of this abusive, horrible man. Think of the example you are setting for your daughter. You want her to make the same choices in a partner that you have? She will if you don't get her away from this mess.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/09/2022 00:44

Let him go before he drags you down even more. You could never trust him as he is too big a liar. All gamblers and alcoholics are. He needs professional help but he needs to do it by himself and not use use as an emotional crutch. You cannot fix him.

Ofcourseshecan · 26/09/2022 00:50

I agree with everyone else here. Save yourself and your daughter by leaving him.

LadyLolaRuben · 26/09/2022 00:58

Let him go, he's an addict. He can only change if he wants to. He doesn't want to see a problem with his drinking. If he sees you crying over his addiction, he'll feel there's a problem that he can't admit to. So he doesn't want to see you upset or it'll remind him. Get out OP this is the tip of the iceberg

whythou111 · 26/09/2022 00:58

PurpleBex35 · 25/09/2022 23:52

im After some advice on a situation that’s currently getting me down. This is my 1st post and after some honest but kind guidance as I’m struggling to work things out in my head. I’ve been dating this guy for nearly 3 years and it’s come with a lot of ups and downs he has serious mental health problems and other things going on He’s very very sensitive and takes things to the extreme and Even tho I’ve been supportive and been helping him get the help he needs I’m still always the bad guy.
a few months he lost his job his life has been spiralling out of control lately and he opened up that he had an alcohol and gambling problem. I knew something wasn’t right as he was always itching to get home and never had any money I raised my concerns but he made me think it was all in my head and there was nothing going on. I even tho I was upset he had been lying to me I supported him and stood by him roll on 7 weeks later and he’s lost the new job he has for drinking on shift after promising me that he wasn’t drinking any more even swearing on mine and my daughters life that he had stopped and was getting help. It’s now 3 weeks since he lost the job and I’ve been finding it difficult im upset and haven’t been dealing with it to well but he refuses to allow me to be upset with him he’s told me that I need to get over myself and move on and has now not spoken to me for 2days because I’ve been upset and mad at him. I’ve given him so much love and support over the years and to see him being so cruel to me is hurting.
i feel he’s in the wrong for lying but I’m the one in the dog house and I’m being punished. He hasn’t responded to my lovely message I sent him 2days ago and I just don’t get what’s going on. I need some advice.

@PurpleBex35
“he has serious mental health problems and other things going on”

OP, if I had a pound for every time a woman posts about her partner’s bad mental health on here and then goes on to describe emotional and/or sexual and/or physical abuse on here, I would be so rich. I haven’t even been on here that long. I know lots of people with mental health problems, mainly women, some of them have difficulty in relationships but none of them are abusive. Bad mental health is an excuse I’m afraid.

This is a bad man, his problems are not yours, you must leave him to protect yourself. No one can protect you apart from yourself, people will tell you whatever they think you can handle hearing so you have to trust yourself. However if you don’t leave him now he will ruin your happiness. I’m sorry, it’s not fair, it’s not your fault, you’re not the first woman this has happened to and you won’t be the last- but this is happening, you have to leave 💐

onemorerose · 26/09/2022 00:58

Agree that you cannot fix him! Don’t try to, you have tried hard enough already, he wants to go. Let him.

Pineappleskies · 26/09/2022 08:22

He is bringing chaos into your life.

Life should be peaceful.

Read up on BPD (him) and co-dependency (you).

Thank your lucky stars he's currently leaving you alone and use this time to build the sort of home, hobbies, relations, health habits etc that you want for yourself without his chaos.

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