My parents have booked their spring holiday for my due date for no3 - need practical advice and sensitive ways of talking it through.

[bobsmum]

I'm due with dc3 on 25th April. My parents will be out of the country until the 22nd April.

This was booked in the last few weeks.

I'm now worried about childcare arrangements and what do to with dh, if I go into labour while they're still away.

I'm booked into a city hospital close to my parents' home 1.5 hours away from my home.

We don't rely on my parents much for babysitting etc - compared to most grandparents I hear of they get off very lightly, but then they both still work full time so I wouldn't expect it of them tbh.

But as they knew about number 3 since last autumn, I hoped they would try to be around to help at least with ds and dd, if not to come and visit.

Last time with dd, I went to hospital at midnight but dh was sent away until I progressed further. As we live so far from the hospital, he went back to my parents 15 mins away and came back in when called.

Ds was 2 weeks early and dd was 4 days late, so I can't really predict if they'll be back in time.

My parents usually go on 5/6 holidays abroad every year. Although this holiday will fall on their wedding anniversary, they're not going away for an anniversary celebration IYSWIM - it's not a big one this year.

I can't ask them to cancel, because I'll sound really selfish and needy, but this time I do actually need them to be around.

What can I do or say? Or should I just grit my teeth and have other arrangements in place. And what can they be??

BTW you dont have to stay in 5 nights after a section ( unless you or the baby are ill). I had a emergency section at about 5pm and came home the next night at 7pm. Mainly because i hate hospitals but also because of childcare problems with 2 others at home

Thanks everyone - I"m getting a lot sorted in my head now.

Kristina - hopefully I won't have another section again - , dd was a VBAC and although the consultant is typically negative about another VBAC (I'm still high risk ) I'm hopeful. I was in 4 nights and 5 days after ds though - maybe that's not standard? If I felt up to it though - I would be pressing to come home sooner this time round. It's a different hospital this time anyway, so I guess different policies apply.

Purple - unfortunately having had a section, I would have to really make myself a nuisance if I wanted a homebirth. And although dd was a vBAC, she was still in distress - meconium in waters - paediatricians on standby etc. So I'd be happier in a hospital. And it wouldn't really be fair on dh to expect him to be birth partner and supervising ds and dd. Don't think they'd be allowed in a delivery suite anyway - would they?

I'll go and see my parents tomorrow and let them know that we'll need their house while they're away, but in the meantime I'll start dropping heavy hints to my local friends. The other issue is that most, if not all of the people I would like to ask are all expecting their third or 4th baby within weeks of me!!

When my brother #2 was born, my brother #1 and I went to stay with friends of my parents who had DCs a similar age to us overnight. In fact eating Shreddies in their kitchen is abou the only bit I remember of the whole experience. So I agree with pps -- local mums with children are probably your best option.

if they're expecting too, then, on the one hand it's difficult to ask - but on the other hand you can offer to reciprocate (with your current two and newborn... maybe you'll have to "volunteer" your dh to reciprocate on your behalf)

just wanted to add that my ds1 has as and though he was only nearly 3 yrs when the twins were born i tried to ensure nothing in his routine changed. however, the separation from me[week in total as 5 weeks prem but ok] and the reliance on dh had a major impact on our relationship. how would i do it again if i could - i would have kept him going to school if he was in one and absolutely kept him in his own home - and i would also have told dh that ds1 was the priority - the baby had me after all. sorry to sound miserable but i hate how it turned out when i had my twins - relied far too much on grandparents to without realising they couldn't cope with ds1 having a major wig out!
i hope it works out for you - i really think school routine is a godsend in this situation. i had to make a huge fuss to be allowed home when i was, but crying and demanding to see the consultant to sign me off did work.
good luck and i hope you had a good chat with parents.

That's a good point about needing someone who can "deal" with ds. A mum friend would be better placed than some of the older ladies from church, who although would be more than willing, might not be up to the task - especially overnight.

And yes, I think if baby arrives after the school holidays that would be better! Schools go back here after the spring holiday on the 21st April. My parents will be back in the country on the 22nd.

Of course my overriding priority is to get to the Baby Show on the 26th still in one piece so I can grab some bargains

I'll just cross my legs and hope for the best!

thanks everyone - I appreciate you listening to my moans

I don't know the hospital policy on discharge after a section as i wasn't expecting one IYSWIM. I'm sure if i had asked in advance they woudl have said no.I just told them i was going home the next night - I gave them plenty warning so they could get the paed to see the baby etcetc. they rolled their eyes a bit & i got the usual speech but they didn't ask me to sign myself out.

i only mention this as i suspect its the same health authority

i agree with everyone else about keeping school / nursery routines for older children if poss

Ah mine did this with ds3- well booked it within a few days and I went over, but it was a fair bet.

My sister did the boys care in the end but I felt awful as was night time and she was heavily pg herself.

I didn't ask them to cancel eithr- couldn't do it. But still getting comments about how sad they were when ds3 arrived and they missed it

FWIW I would just say sympathies- did rather hurt my feelings a bit.

Ok - me again - problem no2

We asked my MIL to come and stay with us for the weekend before the schools go back (19th/20th April) - just in case baby's a few days early. But she says she has to collect my dn from school every day. Why that means she can't come for the weekend I'm not sure, but basically both sides of the family can't/won't help us out with no3.

Are they bored with grandchildren? Is this just what happens with births after 2 children?
With the first 2 both sides were tripping over each other to be around, offer help and come and stay. Suddenly it's all changed!

Has anyone else found this?

ive read the thread but i am not sure why you are not having baby in a hospital near to you? is the one near your parents the nearest?

if you are nearer home it all gets a lot simpler - you can ask friends to have the kids for play dates when you are in hospital/dp can visit in the evening etc - without having to rely on relations

That's the nearest hospital!

I'm mid way between Glasgow and Stirling about and hour and a half away from both. All the other closer maternity units (there was one 20 mins away) have closed in the last few years.

Will be looking for willing victims friends to help out instead for sure. Had a big cry last night about the whole thing, but I know I'll never let on to RL family how much this has hurt.

ahhh bobsmum- Have a hug.Im not on to no 3 yet. But am heavily pg with no 2 so emotionally I can relate to how all this is causing you a lot of unnecessary stress right now.
I think you need to nurture yourself.
That means, for the time being, maybe leaving your family to it and focusing on people that are there for you and willing to give you the help and support you need.

Thanks smithfield

The next fly-in-the-ointment is that dh has just been given a contract job to work in Edinburgh (2 hr commute away from here) so of course me being already hyper panicky and hormonal have just gone into overdrive. Just feeling a bit on my own and needing a moan. I expect I'll be back on here a lot over the next 10 weeks or so.

Hello again! If this was me I would investigate the worse case scenario in order to put my mind at rest that if the worse happened we still had a plan.
So could you call an ambulance/taxi/friend to drive you and dh take kids to school/bring them at an appropriate hour? Grim I know, but if needs must.
I would look after anyones kids/drive them to school/bring them to hospital. Could you divide and conquer the problem - children to different people - 1 look after ds1 in your house/take him to school, 1 bring dd to their house where dh can collect her from later? I would have my elderly neighbour for the middle of the night and ask my friends to come over by 6.30 to wake the kids up!I had weekend standby friends and week ones and best for night time ones - I like to prepare for every eventuality!Could friends share the children - one friend take ds1 over to anothers who can drive him to school?

As to are they like this with 3rd children, i had 2 and 3 at the same time so no, but my 2 best mates with 3 say most definately yes - which is awful, but what can you do? Sort it out this week and then get on with your life!

You're right - I need to actually sit down with pen and paper and start pinning people down to agreeing to help out. That way I'm giving them a couple of month's notice which should hopefully be enough?

I've got one neighbour who could take ds. There's a school bus to and from school so getting him there and back isn't a problem as long as he's with someone.

DD is only 2, so will need to be with someone she knows well - but as long as she's got her toy sheep she'll be fine sleeping anywhere I think (hope).

Need to pick people with big cars with room for extra car seats! Or only one child! And no school run to do at their end - otherwise they'll need to pass dd onto someone else.

Thinking out loud really. But I'm calming down now.

I'll see the m/w tomorrow and mention that I'm a bit pushed for help for the birth.

Much as I love love love living in the middle of nowhere (see profile ) I think it's remoteness is biting me on the bum on this issue!

Ambulance might need to be a helicopter Now that would be good!

await your birth notice with interest

I can't remember from talking to you before Christmas which hospital you're booked into, but if it's the one very, very near me then your dh is welcome to do some pacing/eat/watch a bit of telly round at ours if he needs a place to go.

In an emergency the whole family would be welcome except it's very small so would be a bit of a squeeze .

I think though that you're the other side of town - still, do let me know if another city contact would be of use.

Chin up!

Hi bookthief

I'm at the Princess Royal so not that close to you, but a heck of a lot closer than where I am atm. Thank you so much for the offer! I'll keep you posted! yOu might end up with a pacing dh yet!

Wow you really are rural bobsmum What a gorgeous place to live... we live on a small island and I was helicoptered to hosp with my fourth!

just read that back! Not to get you worried or anything... - All went fine!

Maybe I should go for no4 to guarantee that helicopter ride

oh i see - gosh you would have thought that in the circumstances the family would have been far more helpful - i understand now

i can only assume that your parents think you are going to be completely fine, on time etc - can your dp put a bit of gentle pressure on his mother about that weekend? organise a lift for her or whatever it takes to get her to you?

Newgirl you're psychic - my MIL phoned yesterday evening!! She's been able to fix it to come for the week before

So she'll be here over the weekend that my parents aren't around.

She lives in Merseyside and shouldn't really be driving all the way to Stirlingshire (it's too painful - she's registered disabled). But she's going to come up anyway! What a star!

My SIL has been told that MIL can't take dn to and from school and that she needs to find other arrangements for 5 days. SIL says she has had to take the week off work because MIL will be away.

I'm sure that's a bit OTT , and I'll never hear the end of it from her (sil), but at this moment in time I'm past caring!

So I have family childcare and a wee bit of help round the house (I have SPD) until the day my parents are back.

Just need to have a few folks on standby for daytime, but that's so much less of an ask than 2 dcs and a dh pitching up overnight!

Dh said last night he was secretly hoping that baby might turn up while my parents are away, just to prove a point. MIL would be delighted to be star grandparent - especially as she's normally so far away.

Things are slowly coming together - thank you everyone for listening

that all sounds much better hooray!

sil is being a bit ott - surely she will ask friends to help out - it is definitely NOT your problem

now relax and get knitting wee scottish booties!