Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Slow burner?

18 replies

Brightstar29 · 25/09/2022 21:09

Is it better to have a slow burner rather than intensity and passion at the start?

Met this guy in April, friends at first but always liked each other. Started dating properly about 6 weeks ago. He has been separated coming up to 3 years from 14 year relationship, divorce finalised last year. He was with his ex from 17 so I’m the first person he’s dated properly since, neither of us have dc yet.

It’s not as intense as previous guys I’ve dated but in hindsight they were walking red flags and messed me about. We were in bed talking the other night and he said that he really likes me but it might take him a while to get to the “love” point, he states he feels he has a bit of a mental block at the moment due to how hurt he was at the end of his marriage although states he’s over her and there’s nothing to suggest he isn’t. He was the one that brought this topic up.

We both said that we have feelings for each other and see it going somewhere. I made it clear to him that I wouldn’t expect any “I love yous” until maybe around 6 months or so in but I know you can’t put a time on it really.

Thing is I think I’ve also got a bit of a mental block too due to abandonment issues from previous dating and relationships, so part of me won’t let myself get to the “love” point for a while anyway until I feel more secure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Brightstar29 · 25/09/2022 22:56

Anyone?

OP posts:

stickynoter · 25/09/2022 22:59

I would say it's pretty "normal" to not get to the love point til around 6 months tbh. I wouldn't expect it to be true love any earlier than that. However, from what he said I'd be worried if it's too soon for him to be in a relationship

SunshineLoving · 25/09/2022 23:00

I wouldn't say a slow burner or immediate I love yous are better. It's just what feels right.

Don't overthink it. You like him so keep seeing him and see what happens. If things aren't getting a little more serious after six months or so, I would be a bit skeptical. But for now, just enjoy it.

Original poster

Brightstar29 · 26/09/2022 08:31

I’ve never once thought he wasn’t ready, but I don’t know now? He seems very sure of what he wants future wise and has been clear he’s looking for something serious. States that he’s glad he’s had time on his own after his ex. I’m not seeing him now for another week as I’m away from Thursday-Sunday but would normally see him 1-2 times a week with staying over at least one night.So maybe not a good conversation to have over text?

OP posts:

Ofcourseshecan · 26/09/2022 08:40

Brightstar29 · 26/09/2022 08:31

I’d always prefer to have a serious conversation in person. Too easy to misunderstand by text. Too easy to miss nuances, or not pick up the warmth behind the words.

Ofcourseshecan · 26/09/2022 08:42

And I think this relationship sounds worth continuing. I hope it all continues well.

Watchthesunrise · 26/09/2022 08:46

said that he really likes me but it might take him a while to get to the “love” point, he states he feels he has a bit of a mental block

This just says He's Not That Into You to me.

If a guy is really into you he never tells you he's not ready. Seriously. Tell him you've thought about it and you'd prefer a man who wants you, all of it, and mental blocks aren't that appealing.

Undecidedandtorn · 26/09/2022 08:46

Do you think your over thinking this? He sounds lovely and he's being honest with you and sounds like you are on the same page anyway.

forgotoldusername · 26/09/2022 08:50

If a guy said to me "I'm not ready for ...(insert chosen word here - love, relationship, commitment etc etc ) I would silently whisper "with you" (trick I learnt from female dating strategy) and I would smile and say "this doesn't work for me, I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours". Some came back after a few weeks but my door closes on those words (and no I never had sex with these not-ready men). Biggest red flag out there for me

zonky · 26/09/2022 08:53

To me he sounds like someone who can't be without a relationship. I'd imagine it would take more time to get over such a long relationship. Has he ever spent any significant time single?

You can't put a timeline on when you'll feel something for someone, but it does sound he is keen to progress it.

KosherDill · 26/09/2022 09:02

Brightstar29 · 26/09/2022 08:31

Why have the conversation at all?

Just enjoy the moment. Stop trying to decipher the future.

stickynoter · 26/09/2022 09:04

Sorry if this sounds rude OP but this sounds like a bit of a strange conversation. The way I'm reading it is you've said you'll let him off with it for the time being but are expecting him to declare his love at a certain point and letting him know roughly when?!

When you say you both said you have feelings for each other and see it going somewhere, to me that's quite intense after 6 weeks of dating (IMO).

I'm guessing and i could be wrong so please let me know. But did you initiate the conversation about you having feelings for him and seeing a future, he semi-agreed and said he has a blocker around "I love you" but might get over it in time....you then said don't will worry there's no rush til the 6 month mark

If this is how it went I think this was his way of letting you down gently in terms of love/future but he's quite happy to have you around as a gf but not too serious

Original poster

Brightstar29 · 26/09/2022 09:04

@zonky he’s been single coming up to 3 years, so a bit of time but not a significant amount of time in the grad scheme of things.

As I’ve said we have both said we have feelings and see it going somewhere. I’m maybe overthinking it a bit but now I’m worried he’s not ready because of some of the posts on here. He’s 34 and wants a family eventually, he said he’s never wanted to be the type to play the field. I’m anxious now because I e fallen for someone hard in the past who has then turned round and said he wasn’t ready x

OP posts:

Ahbisto · 26/09/2022 09:09

I find it odd you’re talking about love and giving him expectations on the timeline of when he needs to declare it.

Original poster

Brightstar29 · 26/09/2022 09:15

@stickynoter he was the one who said initially that he really likes me but might take a while to get to the love point because of what he went through with his ex. That part of the conversation did take me a back a bit as I didn’t really think it needed saying about the love thing as that takes time anyway. Then following that I said I had feelings and saw it going somewhere eventually and he stated he does too.

OP posts:

xfan · 26/09/2022 11:07

I think you're desperate to know that he will commit: is it because you're worried on missing out on motherhood? It can cloud judgement a lot. He may or may not change his mind about children, impossible to have a guarantee at the moment.

crimsonlake · 26/09/2022 11:19

Tbh this all sounds very intense for a 6 week relationship and for a start you cannot put a timeline on falling in love. Possibly you are the one ready for a relationship if you are over analysing to this extent?
I agree...why have the conversation at all? Just enjoy the moment, no relationship comes without risks or with guarantees.

Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 11:30

6 weeks? You're way too invested way too soon. That's why you got burned before, too. Too worried about commitment and 'Where this is going'

How do you enjoy single life? Did you feel fulfilled and full of self respect? Were you doing things you felt passionate about? What did single life look like for you?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread