Leaving partner over porn

[Mummyrere]

Just needing some reassurance and advice!

about 6 months ago I found out my partner was looking and paying cam girls for private shows and chatting to them. He was also searching for specific girls that he knew in real life and watching there porn. I went absolutely mad and it nearly destroyed our relationship. We had a very young baby and it made me very insecure especially since he would hardly ever have sex with me. i decided to try carrying on with the relationship although it’s been so tough, he’s been trying to make it up to me and promising he never would do it again and it was an old habit etc etc.

not only that, he always had so many Instagram girl friends and was constantly searching different girls and old girlfriends.

this morning my insecurities got the better of me and I decided to check his phone. He had obviously forgot to delete his history but I saw once again he was on the same websites and searching this specific girl who was actually an ex girlfriend. he started crying and begging me again.

this time I am so angry and I am so done. I stayed because we had a new baby and I desperately wanted him to grow up in a two parent child. Now my child is 10 months and the more I think about it I actually don’t want him living in a lie of a relationship and feeling this is normal. I feel like I absolutely hate my partner for doing this and ruining something we have. He has also been a shit dad if I’m honest and never enjoys spending time with our baby and is so inconsiderate to him (when I leave him with him he forgets to feed him, or give him water, leaves him wet, leaves him to cry etc) I actually get so paranoid leaving him with him that he’s not taking care of him.

unfortunately he’s the one who brings in the money. I have no money as couldn’t afford to go back to work as the childcare worked out more than I would be paid. I’ve looked into a council house but I’m not eligible for one because I’m not homeless. We are currently renting. The only thing I could do is go to my mums which she lives in a tiny council house full of shit because he’s a border and I don’t know if that would do me any good with getting my own place. I just don’t know where to go or where to turn. I don’t want to stay with him just for the ease of money..

any thoughts?

It's his child too, make him pay the childcare - you've absorbed all the costs for the first ten months so his turn now. Get yourself settled properly at work, then see where you go from there.

Either go back to work and make him absorb half the cost of childcare. Or get him to pay you the childcare fee. £68 a day for childcare x 5 days = £340 a week. Start saving to leave.

He has also been a shit dad if I’m honest and never enjoys spending time with our baby and is so inconsiderate to him (when I leave him with him he forgets to feed him, or give him water, leaves him wet, leaves him to cry etc) I actually get so paranoid leaving him with him that he’s not taking care of him.

He neglects your child.

The cam girl stuff is gross and I would leave someone for that too, but the neglect of your child's need is genuinely disgusting and should be the absolute final straw for you.

Imagine being hungry, thirsty, soaked through and upset and someone completely ignoring you. That's what he does to your tiny baby who cannot help himself.

He's a disgrace. A pathetic excuse for a partner and father.

You have to leave him. The next stage will be difficult of course as you adjust to life as a single parent, but at least he's the type to fade into the background and let you get on with it rather than damaging his son long term.

Sorry OP, there's no going back from how he's behaved on all fronts.

You'll be so much happier in the long term without him. You do everything yourself anyway

Good for you.

By the way what he does to the baby is called neglect, and would warrant social service intervention...I know you don't leave baby with Dad but this is how serious your partner's behaviour is...it's not inconsiderate, it's life threatening child neglect.

Go to your mums. It won't be for long. Apply for child support, with that and benefits you may be in a position to rent a studio flat privately before too long.

Leave him, apply for universal credit, go to the council say you two have no were to live,explain everything it might be tough at first but will be better than living the life you are now. X

@wellhelloitsme

*The cam girl stuff is gross and I would leave someone for that too, but the neglect of your child's need is genuinely disgusting and should be the absolute final straw for you.

Imagine being hungry, thirsty, soaked through and upset and someone completely ignoring you. That's what he does to your tiny baby who cannot help himself.*

This.

If you get universal credit, you can work some hours without it affecting it ... And you'll get 85 per cent of childcare (up to a cap) paid while you're working.

He'll have to pay child maintenance. About 12 per cent of salary - depending on how many over nights he takes him.

You might want to make sure it's none by reporting his neglect of him while in his sole care to date.

The citizens advice or Women's aid can go through what you'll get but roughly;

Universal credit, rent/housing part and regular part
Council tax relief
Subsidised childcare for any hours you work (unless you work enough to wipe out your UC)
Child maintenance
Child benefit
(When at school - free meals and uniform help)

He’s a thrill seeking serial cheat, and clearly p**y takes precedence over his own offspring. AKA a thirsty, useless wasteman.

One step at at a time OP or it will seem completely insurmountable…

Do you have any family or friends you could stay with temporarily while you get your benefits sorted, Lemondrop has provided a list above of your entitlements. Once you’re set up you can look for work etc.

I don’t understand for the life of me why these arseholes produce children they don’t want to raise. 🤬🪳

Leaving him is the best possible thing you can do for yourself and your child. He will never ever change his ways, it will distroy you, and every ounce of self esteem and confidence you have! People get through this and you will too! Stay strong 💐

I feel sick to my stomach. You deserve better than this. And being on your own is SO much better. Being a single Mum is great you will find strength you never knew you had!

Focus on you and your baby, you've got the hellish newborn bit out the way it's going to get easier.

I'm in a little council flat with my son, yes my income is low at the moment but it's not for long. I get on so much better with his Dad now I don't have to put up with him living with me and we still do things as a family sometimes.

I wish I could put posters on buses to say in massive letters YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED- YOU DONT HAVE TO STAY IN AN AWFUL RELATIONSHIP.

As for your soon to be ex, he IS cheating and so is his low life mate. His mate is almost certainly breaking the law tbh I'd be tempted to report him to the police.

Please reach out to safe people you trust for any support you can get and remember this site is full of great advice. Ignore any idiots, don't engage. Your brain space and thoughts are too precious to waste time with anything that isn't positive and constructive.

Focus on your love for your baby and you will find a way forward.

Just quietly start making your arrangements to move on then as soon as you are ready, either leave or kick him out.

Sorry I've got 2 threads mixed up I think I was mixing this thread up with the other one where the partners friend sent the awful images, ignore anything that isn't relevant