Dating a widower

[Jackiesdaughter]

I’ve been divorced for 4 years and have been meeting up with a widower since June. (Knew him and his wife when our children were little) Had a lovely summer of walks in the park and meeting for coffee, breakfast etc. He’s been so caring towards me, texted regularly, holding my hand, few kisses etc. It’s been progressing very slowly which is understandable however things now seem to have stopped abruptly. He’s had a lot going on (family illness, first anniversary of his wife’s death, children starting uni etc) Texted on Friday to ask how he was and last text said he’d be in touch. Feeling devastated as I thought we were getting closer each time we saw each other. Haven’t now spoken to him since August (only via text) I probably need to forget the whole thing and move on don’t I? So hard to do when this is the first time I’d felt like being brave enough to go and meet a man. (Haven’t wanted to try OLD) I now feel bit heartbroken. I won’t be texting him again.

I'm sorry you've experienced this. It's hard to work out what happened. Yes perhaps not messaging and taking time to heal. If he does come back to you his explanation better be honest and believable.

He wasn’t ready to be dating. Less than a year after the death of his wife was far too soon.

You’d be right to move on. Maybe life will bring you back together in future.

Thank you Nancy. It’s been so lovely over the summer but it’s so hard now. Luckily have support around me.

I feel for you. It’s complicated dating a widower. He might just feel that it is all too soon after his wife’s death and he isn’t ready to date after all? I’d step away and see if he comes back to you. I married a widower and it was very very hard at first xxx

Thank you. I miss him. Wish it could all be a little bit more straightforward. He seemed care about me but yes maybe it was too soon.

He may just need space for a few weeks. Grief isn't linear.

I know. Been reading lots about grief recently to try and understand it all. Also have my own experience of it. Life is tough but I’ve been so happy over the summer!

I dated a widower, two years after his wife died. It was a mess as he was a mess and conflicted. He had good intentions but really couldn't do it.

Not everyone is the same, but when the signs are there, heed them.

Stick with it. He will also have emotions about his kids going off to uni. In some ways that symbolizes the end of family life ( in the family home) and that might be something else that is hitting him hard xx send him a nice text telling him you had a lovely summer and if he wants to meet again to get in touch and then leave it and see if he gets in touch x

If you can, stay as a friend for now.
The first anniversary is incredibly tough, seems like yesterday the person died while it feels like forever since you saw them, held them etc… It’s a very emotional time. I remember being churned up and felt like I was back on that ( awful) day all over again.

My friends have been saying the same. They were such a loving close little family too. It must be so hard. The last message I sent was kind and supportive so I’m going to wait and see what happens now. He couldn’t be lovelier if he tried xx

As a widow all I can say is that grief is a long, complicated, tangled journey.

The first anniversary and children going to Uni will both be bringing his wife close to mind and heart. He will almost certainly withdraw into himself.

If you are seriously interested in a long term relationship you will have to accept these periods and be supportive of his sadness.

My experience, 17 years on, is that my DH is always there in my heart and memory, sometimes close, sometimes further away, but I live a full life with plenty of room to love someone else.

Thank you for sharing your experience falling leaves xx

This first year anniversary will have struck him hard and he may not know how to cope specially with ACs off to Uni.
He has most likely also enjoyed your Summer together but come down to earth with a shock when the "date" arrived and withdrew into himself maybe feeling guilty of his new feelings for you.
My DD is 2yrs into dating a widower and it has been hard going for both of them even though she has been separated 9 yrs now the main problem has been his late wife's family and their comments & his own mother who always comments as to how lovely his late wife was,they are entitled to their own thoughts but must think of his life going forward as he is only just 50 and has many years ahead of him.
As stated just send a message saying how much you enjoyed the Summer and take it from there I send all my best wishes to you x

If I were you - and you actually like him - I’d for now forget all expectations of what dating is supposed to be and be a friend to him. Imagine it were your good friend who was struggling with all of the issues in their life - and pushing everybody away.
Would you normally let them be, or gently nudge them with support.

He won’t be ready for a relationship just yet. But you aren’t in a hurry either.
Be a friend.
I’d not wait for him to come out of his shell as depressed/grieving people often just get stuck there. I’d nudge him gently at some point in a friendly way - saying a walk may do him good, etc.

Nice to have had a positive experience op ?

but yeah he is sadly not ready
cut ties , and boost confidence and try again

divorces are tricky but widowed trickier xxx