How to stop dh turning into pompous twit

[birdsong]

Really I've been thinking about this for a while and the thread started by nobody has motivated me. I have also changed name -permanently now. I am sahm and dh has very successful career. When we met he was a postman and had no qualifications (no disrespect atall to postmen). I had just completed my degree and really encouraged him ti study and so he did. 14 years down the line we have 4 children and he is very successful etc etc. But I feel he is losing the values he used to have - and only sems to be interested in making money for our life . He doesn;t care about what is going on in the world,environment , horror stories of neglect etc. He hates me giving to charities, doesn;t care if he offends people. I'm really scared I do not like the person he is turning into. I always thought he was like wolfie out of citizen smith "power to the people" but he is just tuening into a pompous business man who thinks he is extremely important and is quite often patronising and dismissive of me amd my views on things. Sorry but I am really upset.

Have you told him any of this, birdsong - that you feel he has become pompous and patronising and isn't the person he used to be?

Tell him this and flatter the person he was when you met Most men are so vain they respond to a bit of flattery!He probably feels really proud of what he has achieved but might also feel the pressure now that he is so successful.If you both still love each other it will come right with a bit of talking

I know that dh has felt more pressure to 'provide for his family' since having children. DO you think he worries about this? When I met my DH we both did the same job but he acknowledges that my support has allowed him to have a more successful career now. However, the more he earns the more pressure is created to continue to provide the same lifestyle. We were discussing this in pub at weekend and the other dads felt the same.

Obviously I don't know your circumstances but perhaps this is something that bothers him? Does he run his own business?

I think alot of men get like this when they have a family to support. You sometimes feel that as long as you make loads of money, everything will be OK and that's how men tend to think (generalisation, I know).

You must say something to him. DW is constantly bringing me down to earth and it's good for me and our relationship. You must talk about these things openly or it just gets worse.

my dp is like this, although he has always been like this, he is possibly the most narrowminded man i have ever met and it causes major disagreements between us.
a few examples- i donate five pound per month to the nspcc, when they sent me a letter asking if i would like to up it to eight ponds he said " why dont you stop donating now - you have done it for 4 years, think about what we could of done with that money" !!!!!!!! i told him to eff off of course.

i want to be a midwife and to give me a better chance of getting on a uni course as the competetion is fierce, i have offered to do volunteer work for surestart, (helping underprivelidged families on the council estate where i was brought up). he suggested that instead of offering my time for free to people who cant be bothered to make thier own lives better, why dont i just go back to work an extra day and make extra money.!!!

it is a part of him that i have to say i absolutly hate, i feel really strongly about these things as you sound you do- i had a tough childhood and it depresses me to think some children have to have the same childhood i ahd in this day and age. dp went to a private school as his parents had split up and he was getting in with the wrong crowd at his comprehensive school and his dad put him into private ed.
i often remind him how different his views may have been if he didnt have the fortunate help of his dad.

there is no advice im afraid , just want you to know i know exactly how you feel- my only saving grace is that i feel what goes around comes around and imagine him a lonely old pensioner sat in afreezing cold flat waiting for the age concern lady to pay a weekly visit.

Sorry I disappeared earlier - I was happily tapping away on computer when at 10:30 my mum ringed to remind me she and 2 relatives would be over at 11:00. I was surrrounded by weekend chaos and monday morning mess and had 30 mins to zoom around and tidy up- amazing what you can do when you have to!!
My dh does not have his own business but works in financial services for big retail co.with lots of other pompous tw**s and I'm sure its rubbing off on him.He is not from well off background and its almost an insecurity in him I think to behave like that around rich and educated people. I have said all this too him and he says he is happy with person he is !

Sorry I disappeared earlier - I was happily tapping away on computer when at 10:30 my mum ringed to remind me she and 2 relatives would be over at 11:00. I was surrrounded by weekend chaos and monday morning mess and had 30 mins to zoom around and tidy up- amazing what you can do when you have to!!
My dh does not have his own business but works in financial services for big retail co.with lots of other pompous tw**s and I'm sure its rubbing off on him.He is not from well off background and its almost an insecurity in him I think to behave like that around rich and educated people. I have said all this too him and he says he is happy with person he is !

tell him your going out for a walka fter xmas dinnre - find the number of your local homeless shelter take him in and tell them you have come to volunteer to give out xmas dinner

First of all, well done to DH for turning his life around like this and you should be proud for being the driving force behind it as it is your achievement in part.

Secondly, tell him how much you miss his sensitive side of him and remind him of the old days telling him how wonderful he was and how much he has achieved and how much you appreciate all he does (presumably you do appreciate what he does). Then tell him you want your children to grow up valuing the same things he did when he was growing up because without those values they cannot get to where he is now when they become adults too. Just flater him and make him see how he was and how important is for the children to copy his previous outlook on life becuase you think he is the best role model in the world. Andd if you can fit in a family visit to a homless shelter or children's homeor even a and RSPCA type of place, he will realise what life throws at people and why it is so important we help others. I'm sure he still got that side in him if he was like that when younger, it just doesn't go away, he might shut it but you can open it again for him. Tell him you want the children to be caring just like him and he is capable of being caring.
The charity giving issue it's probably down to the fact that he works so hard for his money and at the end of the day why should he give to others, can't they go out to work themselves?! Give him an hypotetical example of if any of you falls very, very ill (I mean life threatening, rare disease, all his money could not pay for the treatments and he'll have to rely on others kindness eventually). Give and you shall receive.

Also, giving up your time for others is just as, if not more, important than giving money to a charity. So perhaps you can all join in a local project run by your council and help out in some way. he'd probably enjoy it (i.e. building work, decorating, cleaning a park etc)

One more thing, then I'll go: there's nothing wrong with him being proud of what he is. is a question of perception. Must go now. Will check back later.