Think I might need to end it but can’t bare the thought of splitting custody

[IslandGirl5]

So it’s a long story, one I’m not fully decided on the outcome of yet. But I might be on the way to ending things with DH. But we have a DD just turned 2 years old and I’m 17 weeks pregnant with DD number 2 (hence the no major decisions just yet, need to rationalise and figure some stuff out) but these thoughts have been with me for a small while and keep coming to a head. My main thing whenever I think about what would be best is that whenever I think about ending things and sharing custody of our DD I literally can’t bare to think about having to have days etc without her. We’ve never spent more than 12 hours apart, I’m weaning now she turned 2 but still breastfeeds to sleep unless im out then DH does it. DH is lovely with her but just generally less patient with her and gets frustrated more easily with her on her more difficult days (just being a toddler, no issues or anything) and I just get so heartbroken at leaving her for so long when she won’t really understand. And I’d hate to be without her too.

I guess my main question here is, have others felt the same and what was it like if it ever got to that point? How did the child handle it? Was it just as bad as im imagining? TIA

I waited til they were a bit older and would copea little bit better with being away from me physically, but what do I know. Honestly, if the marriage is bad enough to leave with little kids, the relief will get you through the being away from the kids. Not saying it's not difficult, it is. But then so is feeling trapped in a marriage you're desperate to leave and giving them a miserable home and a shit example of what a relationship is. Not easy either way, but you have to pick your hard. Go for the true one.

If you didn't have another little one on the way I'd say wait until she was weaned, and could understand a bit more about what was happening. Eg around 3-4 years old.

My dd was 3.5 when I got divorced and I think it was a good age as she understood explanations about having two homes and how many sleeps away from mummy when she was with daddy, but didn't read any further into sadness around what divorce is etc.

However, you cannot apply the same rationale for your second and wait around for a further 3-4 years for your second to be at that age, by which point your first child will be 5.5-6 and more sensitive to big changes...if you truly think things can't work then I'd say give her some time to be weaned and then rip the bandage off.

Have you tried marriage counselling?

Its so hard coming to a decision, I'm so sorry

Thank you guys I really appreciate your responses. The comment about picking your hard really struck me, that’s going to stick with me thank you ❤and as for marriage counselling I think it could be an option. He has made a comment in the past when another relationship we knew of was falling apart that he would do whatever it took to try make sure this worked before just giving up etc so I suppose we could see! It’s just so hard because he has so many lovely qualities it’s just right now the bad it making them just seem less if that makes sense. I don’t know it it’s just a rocky phase or not with change ahead etc. waiting it out a bit longer, especially for DD sounds like the best bet, and hopefully this can be worked through overall. It’s always helpful to get external opinions thank you

It sounds like your husband is a decent guy (?) and to a certain extent it's totally normal to have a tough time with a tiny child to raise. Everything is a million times harder when you've had a baby. So actually I wouldn't jump the gun if this is a fairly new issue. For me, I got to the point where I couldn't think of any positives to my exh and he was often unpleasant to me, so it was clear it was beyond repair (I also wasn't blameless!). It's definitely worth exploring counselling if you haven't discussed this with him before. Good luck in navigating the next few months ❤️

Why do you want to end it? What is going wrong?

I personally wouldn't make any big decisions like this whilst pregnant! Aside from the fact life can be tough with toddlers, pregnancy is a whole different ball game. I could have started a fight with anyone whilst pregnant the hormones were insane and I just wasn't rational about much at all. Go easy on yourself! It's probably worth suggesting marriage counselling but I would honestly get the baby here and see how you feel when things have settled.

That said you haven't said what your reasons are for considering it so I might take all that back if there are reasons such as abuse etc.

The decision is ultimately yours and needs carful consideration. What I would say is the earlier you do it the easier children adapt and they also won't remember any of it so once they are old enough to understand more etc shared custody is there normal. My little one is just under 2 I separated from his dad very quickly literally left the house and haven't been back. My little one has adapted so well he is now having supervised contact with his Dad and he's still doing fine a tad clingy but that's it. If you are really unhappy I would do it while they are young xx

He can be very decent! But my main issues with him are lack of help with DD and general selfishness. Today made me snap but I don’t know if it’s just because it was the last straw on a very repetitive situation. I woke up feeling very nauseous and with a funny tummy (Indian takeaway last night!) but I had to pop to work for a couple of hours early morning. I got back and apparently DD had just been fighting everything, crying over nothing etc and he was drained. Fair enough, no issue there I was happy to take her for a bit and get her ready as we had tickets to go out to this festival thing with a big fun fair to get to. Then I had to get myself ready while he mainly just sat on his phone and she was wanting me the whole time, when we were out he just walked around with the pram while I ran after her and only helped when I directly asked him to take over, he complained about feeling unwell and left the fair with a headache complaining about too much noise so it was just me and her. When I got home to make us some tea she spent the whole time screaming and he didn’t once try to help. Then when I tried to address this with him about how he could have stepped up a bit more as we weren’t both feeling great and it wasn’t fair to leave it all to me he just snapped and shouted and stomped around even though DD was sleeping. We’re normally alright with communication but recently this reaction has happened a lot more and I’m getting very over it and I just refuse to carry on the conversation or he storms off in a tantrum and I’m left wondering if it’s all even worth it. Might be over reacting with all the hormones but that behaviour just makes me feel done with it all. This hasn’t been uncommon recently.

I found that during my pregnancies I argued with DH far more than I ever have before or after. I don't know if it was me being hormonal, or him responding to big changes in our lives, but we really clashed, especially in the first and second trimesters (we got on well by the third trimester each time). Unless there is violence or other abuse, personally I would not make such a big decision now - I'd see how I felt a few months after the birth.