Not long after moving to a new city, I met a wonderful man through a dating app. Over the first seven months, getting to know each other was slow and steady. We took time to get to know each other and one another's needs. I understood that it was a relationship that was going to be expressed quietly. He was a man of few words, so love was a kiss on the forehead as I fell asleep on the sofa next to him, or easing a stressful day by offering to help one another lighten the load. It wasn’t a blazing romance with fireworks and sparks. It was the sort of love that hummed with a gentle rhythm that promised warmth, comfort and care for one another. Loving him felt like arriving home after a long journey. For the first time in my life, I felt steadied by love.
The last month, however, this changed. For various reasons (separate work trips and holidays, a period of Covid isolation on return), it felt like we were leading separate lives. After seeing one another again, he did not reciprocate my enthusiasm for being introduced to my friends and family that were visiting. When I tried to talk to him about it, he withdrew and said very little other than he was unaware anything was wrong. I found the whole thing profoundly painful and confusing. We gave one another distance and reunited with a view to finding a resolution. The conversation escalated into an argument where we both agreed in the heat of the moment that our relationship was over.
It happened so abruptly. On one hand, the argument exposed some ‘red flags’: he seemed to lack emotional depth to understand the reasons I was hurt by his behaviour; and, there are clearly misalignments in our communication styles on this occasion. But I’m left baffled by how something that felt so certain and safe crumbled as quickly as that.
We met for a walk afterwards, where we had a much calmer conversation that was rooted in the same respect and kindness we showed one another before, though (again) he was not very forthcoming with his responses. We agreed to re-evaluate our assumptions and parted ways with a shared understanding that it was a shame to tear something that felt so good up like that and to reconsider whether we wanted to meet again. In this time, I decided it was the sort of love that was worth reaching my hand out in trust and (after two weeks of space) invited him to meet me for a drink. He replied that although he knows meeting up felt like progress for me, it didn’t for him. He doesn’t think things can be resolved between us, but has still offered to meet up next week.
I need some gentle words of wisdom and advice. I’d like the opportunity to tell express how much love, respect and affection I still have for him. After the time and distance we’ve taken after the argument, so much went unsaid about how magic it was before that it feels like a disservice to both of us to leave on such a sour note without acknowledging it.
How do I balance the hope I have to salvage this and still meet up with him? Is it wiser to let this go and not meet up again? If so, how do I let go?